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Original poster

Rude not to invite someone we haven't met to our wedding?

158 replies

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:47

We've sent out save the dates.

DP sent to his cousin, and received a reply along the lines of 'Me and Gabby would love to come!' (not her real name).

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events eg. funerals. Weddings are expensive and we had not budgeted for the addition of partners we do not know.

Is it OK to tell him Gabby isn't invited? Or do we have to suck it up and invite strangers(!)

If ok to not invite Gabby, and if so, how do we tell the cousin?

Some other cousins may have partners there, which may make things trickier.

OP posts:
ehb102 · 14/01/2023 22:59

If they are married, engaged to be married or living as married YABU.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 14/01/2023 23:00

JenniferBarkley · 14/01/2023 22:46

Why do we want to know everyone at our wedding? because it's our wedding!

It's also a family occasion that you're hosting, I would find it very strange to be invited to any family event without DH (or vice versa).

I agree
Op needs to stop being so weird and just invite Gabby

My cousins daughter who did this has consequently caused rifts with family members over it - life is too short stop being so precious

Copperoliverbear · 14/01/2023 23:49

Wedding invites should be plus one ask for rsvp and then order food accordingly.
In my book everyone is entitled to bring a companion x

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/01/2023 23:53

Recent family wedding did this to me - didn't invite my partner of over 5 years. I didn't go, and it made me feel quite sad, still does when I think about it.
Yes I am perfectly capable of attending functions alone but they are much more enjoyable (to me) WITH my partner. This wedding would have involved a weekend away due to distance and on Valentines weekend, therefore I didn't go.
His family would never have done that to him & me.

He's expecting Gabby to be invited. If you want him there you should invite her also. If you're not bothered about him coming then tell him now that she's not invited, rather than him receive an invite nearer the time excluding her.

ArmyofMunn · 15/01/2023 01:44

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/01/2023 23:53

Recent family wedding did this to me - didn't invite my partner of over 5 years. I didn't go, and it made me feel quite sad, still does when I think about it.
Yes I am perfectly capable of attending functions alone but they are much more enjoyable (to me) WITH my partner. This wedding would have involved a weekend away due to distance and on Valentines weekend, therefore I didn't go.
His family would never have done that to him & me.

He's expecting Gabby to be invited. If you want him there you should invite her also. If you're not bothered about him coming then tell him now that she's not invited, rather than him receive an invite nearer the time excluding her.

This. Surely it would be better if he came with his DP?

StephanieSuperpowers · 15/01/2023 08:05

Why do we want to know everyone at our wedding? because it's our wedding!

Well, that's not really a reason since you won't even have the chance to speak to everyone you do know on the day. Being observed by someone who probably wishes you well and your cousin having a better time with someone you haven't met shouldn't really be a negative on the day. Ir rather, I don't see how it would make things worse for you. If you want people to enjoy the day, probably think about them.

If their enjoyment of the day isn't important to you, probably don't bother inviting them. He's not trying to gouge you out of a dinner, you know.

EspeciallyDetermined · 15/01/2023 08:15

The more I think about this the more I'm annoyed on behalf of the cousin and Gabby. How are you supposed to get to know your DP's family if you aren't invited to family events. Weddings aren't just about the bride and groom surrounding themselves with the people they know best, they are an occasion for bringing families and friends together.

Whataretheodds · 15/01/2023 08:17

How new is the new relationship?
Your error was sending a save the date to someone you werent fussed about attendin and whose companion you actively don't want there.

How do the cousins' partners who are invited know they are invited? Have they had their own Save The Dates?

Artemi · 15/01/2023 12:57

We had a tiny wedding because I am very shy.

There were two partners I was nervous about- the fiance of my husbands childhood friend (because I hadn't met either of them) and the boyfriend of another of DHs friends (because he's a twat)

In the end invited both of them. Twatface and friend had (unfortunatly!) just moved in together before the invites were sent so I felt like it was correct etiquette to invite him, but luckily in the end he couldn't make it anyway so win-win. (and also to be fair, "Twatface" has grown up a lot and is more tolerable, and still in the picture so I'm glad I didn't cause a rift by not inviting him)
DHs childhood friend and now-wife I knew I obviously had to invite. They were both an absolute delight and we are much closer to them now. Really so pleased I was able to meet them that day.

What I am trying to say is that I really do understand that awkward feeling of "urgh I really don't want this person there" but I do think that:
A) It is proper etiquette to invite live-in partners
B) That etiquette exists for a reason - weddings are to celebrate love and community and are the perfect place to meet new partners.

If you're close enough to someone to invite them to your intimate wedding, then you are close enough that you should be interested in meeting their partner.

People saying "I don't want to spend £100 feeding someone I don't know" - then don't have an expensive wedding that you can't afford. If you can't afford to invite live-in partners and spouses, you can't afford that kind of wedding. (Not money shaming - we had sandwiches and punch in the garden)

I agree that "plus ones" aren't necessary for all guests (it might be nice to if you have the space and budget and people are travelling, but certainly not required) however a spouse or unmarried life-partner is different to a new boyfriend of 3 months

Artemi · 15/01/2023 13:25

Oh and in addition, I think it's especially valid for family members to have their partners there as they are part of the family now too.

Less vital for people such as old school friends and work colleagues -particularly if they are invited as a "group" this is probably one situation where it's ok to not invite partners.

"Can people not be apart from their partner for one evening"
Well yes of course they can, but attending a family wedding as a couple is much more enjoyable and fun. Certainly people CAN attend alone, but for me it would be more of an obligation attendance, particularly when leaving DH at home in order to celebrate the importance of someone else's relationship?

brainstories568 · 15/01/2023 15:53

SwedishEdith · 14/01/2023 14:16

Did your friends know you were married and still not invite your husband? That is really weird.

Show quote history

Yes, they'd met him as we got together whilst we were at uni (LDR though) and this was about 6 years later, so we'd been married for about 18 months. However, they all had small-ish weddings and a small budget so just invited their "main" uni friends and didn't invite many spouses/SO which was fair enough as it would have been double the expense for everyone (them and us) had they also invited my husband (and everyone else's) for no real reason. I guess this is my point - all weddings are different and as long as the expectations of who is/isn't invited are set from the beginning then I don't see what's wrong with just inviting one half of a couple.

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 17:24

Copperoliverbear · 14/01/2023 23:49

Wedding invites should be plus one ask for rsvp and then order food accordingly.
In my book everyone is entitled to bring a companion x

I can presume that people who think everyone they invite to their wedding should be able to bring an unknown person with them must both come from small families and also not have many friends of their own.

It is a long time since I got married (but enjoy conversations with the younger generation in our family, who are planning their own weddings and also of an age where they seem to be invited to quite a few weddings). They have all been to weddings without their current partners and consider it quite normal.
None of them would not invite a close family member or close friend that they wanted at their wedding, in order to be able to accommodate other people that they hadn't met. That idea is just weird.
Except the very very rich, or someone holding a "bring a plate" wedding in a field, surely every B&G are restricted by numbers, and there will be very few who can think "Oh, having these extra 10 - 15 people will be fine, even though we don't know them" Hmm

Yarrawonga · 15/01/2023 17:47

I can presume that people who think everyone they invite to their wedding should be able to bring an unknown person with them must both come from small families and also not have many friends of their own

We both come from big families and invited friends an work colleagues. However, we adopted a non-formal approach to our wedding which made it affordable for the numbers we invited and able to cope with unexpected guests.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 15/01/2023 18:11

Very rude not to invite someones partner as their plus one. I have made it clear since the last wedding I got an invite to that if DP is not on the invite then do not bother sending them as I won't be going.

LlynTegid · 15/01/2023 18:14

I would assume a wedding invite was not just for me, but for me and someone else. Unless told otherwise, which I think would have to be for a very good reason. For example, if I was friends with someone about to leave a bad (or worse) relationship.

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 19:42

I have made it clear since the last wedding I got an invite to that if DP is not on the invite then do not bother sending them as I won't be going.

Which is fine.
As is said so often on here - it is an invitation and not a summons.
Your choice frees up a space at the wedding for someone who actually wants to celebrate with the bride and groom.
Your choice is 100% valid.

As is theirs.

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 19:45

I would assume a wedding invite was not just for me, but for me and someone else.

I would assume that any invitation I got to any event, was for the person, or people it was addressed to, and not to 'me and anyone I fancied bringing along'. That is the point of addressing things with people's names. If it were to me and dp/ dh / bf / any pal who was free that day, then it would say so.

giveadogabeer · 15/01/2023 19:48

Unless the text said

hi specific name, you are invited to our wedding blah blah

then it was it was to vague and not their fault they’ve assumed a plus one

pizzaHeart · 15/01/2023 19:52

I think some people are missing the point that it’s save the date not the actual invite.
His answer means that he expects you to invite him and Gabby. Now it’s up to you how to proceed. You may end up not inviting even him depending on the circumstances. It’s just Save the date not the invite.
i think you should work out rules and stick to them like all cousins have plus one or none of cousins have plus one. Or only married relatives have plus one. It’s up to you. But he made his expectations clear.

Outfor150 · 15/01/2023 20:01

LlynTegid · 15/01/2023 18:14

I would assume a wedding invite was not just for me, but for me and someone else. Unless told otherwise, which I think would have to be for a very good reason. For example, if I was friends with someone about to leave a bad (or worse) relationship.

Why would you think that? That’s completely bizarre.

mondaytosunday · 15/01/2023 20:14

What's with the plus one assumption? If married or in committed relationship, then I assume if I know one half of the person well enough to invite them I'd know their other half too. But simply girlfriend or boyfriend is not enough.
I had 120 people at my wedding - if I'd done plus one then at least a quarter would be strangers. I want the people I know and love there, no one else.

BellyDancer124 · 15/01/2023 20:38

Your wedding your rules of course but I think it's so strange not to extend to plus ones. Your expecting that person to give up a whole day, considerable costs incurred, a gift etc. It isn't cheap to attend a wedding but it's somewhat justifiable when you're with your partner and can make a day/night of it, perhaps staying in a hotel etc. This has only happened to DH and I once and we laughed about it and thought the bride and groom where a bit silly. Neither of us went.

Again, each to their own and do what works for you, you've mentioned it's a money thing so that can't be helped.

Username6194 · 15/01/2023 20:47

I think you've got to invite her. You messed up a bit with a WhatsApp invite which wasn't clear.

Paper invites are crystal clear on who is invited.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 15/01/2023 21:03

mondaytosunday · 15/01/2023 20:14

What's with the plus one assumption? If married or in committed relationship, then I assume if I know one half of the person well enough to invite them I'd know their other half too. But simply girlfriend or boyfriend is not enough.
I had 120 people at my wedding - if I'd done plus one then at least a quarter would be strangers. I want the people I know and love there, no one else.

What is the difference between committed relationship and 'simply' girlfriend or boyfriend? My partner and I are not living together but some years together. We are committed but he is still 'just' my boyfriend as we are not married. Does not make the commitment less.

JenniferBarkley · 15/01/2023 21:11

If I got a text from a cousin with the date of their wedding, it wouldn't even occur to me that DH wasn't invited tbh. I don't think the cousin has done anything wrong here.

A formal invitation with just my name, yes. Doubt I'd go but that's not the issue here.

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