Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 07/01/2023 16:29

Full disclosure - my parents hosted my then BF (now DH) and I for six months after we put in an offer to buy until completion. We saved £8k in that time which basically furnished our first flat, and I’m incredibly grateful. If they’d said bf couldn’t have come with me, I’d have had to do a short term let (landlord was selling up) and it would have been a shit 6 months in expensive accommodation followed by a shit 6 months while we saved for furniture

why would having a shit time in expensive accommodation and whilst saving for furniture be the OP's problem to solve? It's fairly normal to have to save up for items as you go along - at 52 and veteran of more house moves than I can remember I can't remember a time when I was able to move in, change all the carpets, decoration, curtains, buy sofas, bedding etc. etc to be exactly what I wanted it to be. I am 10 years in the current house and still need to decorate a couple of rooms. it's great it happened for you but it's not obligatory that any parent facilitates that. It's part of growing up, and taking responsibility of home ownership surely?

Xenia · 07/01/2023 16:30

My twins are back after university but still trainees so we have an agreement they can stay here. I have made it clear to the one with a girl friend that I am afraid I won't have her (lovely though she is ) moving in in full or by stealth or just during the week but coming here every 2 weeks on a visit is fine. We all draw our own lines which for me is not having someone other than my child living here.

We also have a end date for final moving out but they both think they will be out sooner than that anyway.

LlynTegid · 07/01/2023 16:33

I'm supportive of your proposal made at 7.57.

Jenasaurus · 07/01/2023 16:34

Im your situation I would probably agree as it will help them save up for their first home. My eldest was at home until 29 and then bought a beautiful house with his girlfriend. My middle son left home for Uni at 18 and then rented with his girlfriend (now wife) who he met at Uni and they have just bought a 3 bedroom Semi at 27, but he has a very high paid job so was easier for them to afford to rent and save for a deposit at the same time. My eldest has a moderate wage and it would have all gone on rent if he hadn't lived rent free at home and to be honest he was a godsend and supported me in lots of ways (did the grocery shopping, cooking etc and his girlfriend was like a daughter to me so easy to live with after I had just come out of a DV situation. My youngest is studying to be a teacher, she is a mature student at the age of 27 and her BF has lived with us for 2 years since his DM sadly passed away, They are looking to buy a place in March this year when my DD will have a wage rather than being a student. I think each situation is different and also dependent on the personalities involved, in my case it was lovely to have people around me rather than being lonely and on my own so it worked for me too.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/01/2023 16:35

I'm very glad it went well for you @Rafting2022 , obviously your DS was taking a more serious approach to saving then it seemed! I understand your worries completely, you've spend 27 years being there for your DC, and now you'd like to have your own life back. Nothing wrong with that, I see far too many DP's whose DC still think Mum's time and money should be freely available no matter why, Motherhood may well be a lifetime committment but it doesn't mean you're obliged to say Yes to every request.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 07/01/2023 16:38

Kind of immature of a 27 yo wanting to move back in with a parent in this particular situation. Idk I wouldn’t want to do it. I enjoyed my privacy at 27 with my partner. Then again we do a lot of dirty talk, enjoy parading around our home naked and spanking each other. We would have had to dial that back significantly and that would have been hard. 😂 We had no choice when DD was born but I think that’s obviously different.

As for the girl she would essentially be living with future mother in law. I know not all of them are evil villains but that would make me very uncomfortable. I think this might be all your son’s idea and she’s just going along with it. lol. You might actually be giving her an out without realizing it. haha!

boatahoy · 07/01/2023 16:38

Tbh I think I would say yes to them moving in. In the bigger picture the time they spend living with you is a drop in the ocean. At the end of the day all we've got is family and friends and we all need a little help sometimes. It won't be forever as they'll be keen to get their own place and move out and they'll always remember how you helped them out.

whynotwhatknot · 07/01/2023 16:45

im glad its worked out but i wonder why they bothe4res with renting inthe first place it hasnt even been a year and they want to go back home

Liorae · 07/01/2023 16:49

they'll always remember how you helped them out.
Maybe. Maybe not. Eaten bread is soon forgotten.

Babyroobs · 07/01/2023 16:53

My ds and his girlfriend have moved back although to be honest he hadn't been gone long. He went to Uni, then had been home for about 18 months then moved into a rented place with gf ( it was rented from a family member of his gf), but this ended badly and they have moved back in with us. His gf does not seem to have anywhere else to go, she was a student but dropped out of her course, her parents are divorced and each have new partners with numerous step kids moved in and no rooms available ! It is going ok so far but then I'm pretty easy going. We have 2 other almost adult kids living at home too and one part time when home from Uni although he stays at his gf's a lot when home. So yes it's hectic. We haven't laid down any ground rules but they seem considerate. GF rarely seems to shower here, I was worried about pressure on the bathroom with 6/7 people needing one bathroom at the same time, but she seems to considerately shower mainly at the gym. My ds works long hours so frequently not home until 7/8 pm so they cook a bit later than us which doesn't impose on kitchen space. They pay minimal rent as I'd rather they save, we have no mortgage so it is really more of a minimal contribution to heating and electricity. It seems to be going ok so far despite the chaos of our house !!

Abigail69 · 07/01/2023 16:54

OP
As i is reading your post i was thinking say no to both - then you said nice things re GF - for that reason, give it a go. However, you have sonny and gf goes home parents is a good idea - they wont thank you for it but its best longer term.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 07/01/2023 17:38

I’ve had both my son & daughter (& partners) back post Uni to enable them to save. Son (now 30) lives with his partner 30 miles away, daughter is 26 & lives at home with her partner staying when off (he has a job closer to his parents so makes more sense to live there). He lived with us when he was made redundant due to covid (unfortunately in an industry which never recovered post lockdown).

In this economy it just makes sense to give them a chance to save up to buy their own homes.

Everything works well, because it will always be their home if they need it. And we’re adults so can discuss issues before they become bloody big problems. There’s no animosity, or hand wringing because they might be having sex (they’re adults, what they do in their room is none of my business likewise what DH & I do is none of theirs). Sex has never been a taboo subject, we’ve always had an open door when they’ve wanted to talk about things from when they were small. It’s not a naughty, smutty subject & just a small facet of a rich life after all.

Sometimes I’ll cook for everyone, sometimes they’ll cook for all of us. If there’s laundry or jobs that need doing around the house we all pitch in.

We live our lives, they live theirs, we’re all just sharing the same space.

WinterFoxes · 07/01/2023 17:52

Why not discuss it with them. You like her, and you want to be fair to him, so go through the options with them. Start by saying you will give them X amount, just like you gavce his brother. Then say of course you would let him come and live with you, as his brother did - that's only fair. But having a couple in your home is a different dynamic. Have they considered her moving in with parents and spending four nights a week together - two at yours and two at hers? Or could you agree to them staying 6 months at her parents then 6 months with you?

I agree with PPs, that they should cover all costs so you're not out of pocket and put a large amount aside each week too, to get this done asap. Maybe work a second job at weekends - in a bar or restaurant. I did two jobs in my twenties to get out of student debt. It was tough but really worth it.

Benjispruce4 · 07/01/2023 18:21

No way from me!

Benjispruce4 · 07/01/2023 18:23

Did the brother move out and then back in? Or did he stay home to save before moving out? I think once you’re out, you’re out!

Benjispruce4 · 07/01/2023 18:24

I wouldn’t class moving back after uni as moving back. Going to uni is a temporary address.

Ragwort · 07/01/2023 18:31

The OP has provided an update at 14.26.

Lucia90 · 07/01/2023 18:42

Me and my partner moved in with my parents Feb 2020 to save for a mortgage as our rental was up, only for lock down to happen 1 month later and us not move out til March 2021 due to delays from Covid/solicitors etc.
It wasn’t easy at the time but worked out for all of us, I know my parents don’t begrudge us for it and we would never have afforded our house without their help. I think this situation is very dependent on the relationship you already have with your family

Sennelier1 · 07/01/2023 22:29

I would take them in both of them but then that’s me. Imagine they split up not being able to take the stress of living apart? I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that! I understand you have the space, so make good agreements but let them come home.

Mumwithbaggage · 07/01/2023 22:57

DS and his gf asked if they could move back for a while after their rental contract finished (they also spent some time with gf's parents).

We were happy to have them - they paid no rent but that meant that in about 8/9 months they saved loads. They were able to buy their first home when they were 25 and as they'd saved more for the deposit, it was a 3 bed Victorian house rather than a 2 bed flat they were looking at before saving more.

Glad we were in a position to have them - we could never have given them that much cash (4 children) and it made a real difference to them starting out on the housing ladder. Both work really hard. No hassle to us as we can afford a bit extra on bills, they cooked on their own or for all of us - youngest dd hadn't yet started at university. Plus we had their lovely dog for a while.

Sennelier1 · 08/01/2023 12:22

My son, DIL and their young child have stayed here a few times during work being done to their place. It was 1 to 2 months every time. Last time was during covid and they both worked from home/here, my husband and I did fun things with our grandchild (schools closed for covid). I loved having them, made good meals and did all the shopping, laundry and ironing for all of us. My son insisted on ordering take-out in the week-ends. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/01/2023 13:20

Sennelier1 · 08/01/2023 12:22

My son, DIL and their young child have stayed here a few times during work being done to their place. It was 1 to 2 months every time. Last time was during covid and they both worked from home/here, my husband and I did fun things with our grandchild (schools closed for covid). I loved having them, made good meals and did all the shopping, laundry and ironing for all of us. My son insisted on ordering take-out in the week-ends. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

@Sennelier1

if you want to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry that’s fine but op doesn’t - as wouldn’t lots of other women!

Sennelier1 · 08/01/2023 13:54

@LuckySantangelo35 , I don't find it to be more work than when my two children still lived at home. Now I'm retired and have enough hours in the day to do both : things I do for myself ánd spoiling my family 😊

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/01/2023 14:15

Sennelier1 · 08/01/2023 13:54

@LuckySantangelo35 , I don't find it to be more work than when my two children still lived at home. Now I'm retired and have enough hours in the day to do both : things I do for myself ánd spoiling my family 😊

@Sennelier1

all well and good

but it’s not what op wants!

Sennelier1 · 08/01/2023 15:19

@LuckySantangelo35 , I agree, and I didn't mean to hurt anyone, just mentioning how we do it. Of course it's different for all of us. OP loves a very tidy and undisturbed house, as is her good right. I don't mind having to clean up more often, and I really love to have all of us together in the house. Our daughter lives abroad with her little family, so maybe I'm overcompensating with our son 😉

Swipe left for the next trending thread