Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

[Rafting2022]

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

Personally, I would let just the son move home. Then, tell him he will pay you a certain amount a month that you will put aside for when they are ready to buy a house. Like rent, only they'll get it back.
Sadly, I've seen many children move home to "save up" for a house and then start going on vacations, buying new cars, etc., feeling they will save up "soon".
By just letting only your son to move home, you will make it less comfortable for them to make living at home too comfortable and easy to take for granted.

If you did it for one son, would it not seem unfair to not offer the same for the other? My DH and I had been together for 6 years living separately (he in wales and me in London or abroad) but his parents let me move in when I came back to start my career in the UK so that we could save for a house deposit. We wouldn’t have been able to do it without their support and I’ll forever be grateful that it was offered. Moving back in with my parents was not an option (either alone or as a couple). We get on really well with his parents and they 100% made me feel like part of their family, both before i moved in and when I was there. We sometimes did our own thing, but more often than not his mum cooked for everyone or we did but it was very much a shared responsibility to keep the house tidy and not get in each others way.

I appreciate you want to keep your house as yours (and that’s totally understandable!) it just sounds a bit harsh to someone who has been in your sons position in the past. FWIW we stayed with his parents for just over a year before we had saved enough to buy our own place.

I think you should let them stay with you for 6 months and then they can go to the GF's parents for 6 months. Have clear expectations and set firm boundaries. Life is hard enough at the moment.

I would have my son back but not his girlfriend. They can both go back to their parental homes and live together when they can afford to live together. Under no circumstances let him talk you into taking both of them .

What absolute nonsense, if their relationship can’t take that stress test then just as well to end it.
I am at the same life stage as you OP eldest 26 and in his own flat and when he moved out much as I absolutely adore him it was such a relief and unless it was a life changing event he wouldn’t be moving back in. This idea that because you are a parent and therefore you owe your DC for life is ridiculous.

Late to the thread but honestly OP, I admire how completely level headed you appear to be. I am more in your son's position than yours, but I hope to have the same self-respect and balanced compassion when my future kids are grown.

Good on you and long may your Saturday sofa sessions reign.

Personally I think some people are thinking back too much to what THEY did in their 20s, and haven't considered how much tougher it is these days. When I was in my 20s DH and I moved in together as an engaged couple, into a damp flat, charity shop furniture, etc as we were both on low wages. We didn't go on holidays or buy extravagant things, we were just trying to build up some savings and STILL it was hard. But by the time we were late 20s we were in a different place and able to afford to buy a small flat in London and later move back up north and buy a 3 bedroomed house. And by the way, we lived with my parents for good few months while we were buying somewhere and I felt very welcome.

I just think it's different these days, its such a financial struggle. The huge deposits you have to save. Rental costs are extortionate. Even with making sacrifices it's so hard. I think young people need helping on to that first ladder more than ever.

I could never think about splitting an established long term couple. Imagine how you would have felt, basically being told by your inlaws that you weren't welcome. Awful attitude and if my parents had said that to my DH it would have killed any relationship I had with them stone dead.

The only thing I would be worrying about is the spending issue if they were supposed to be saving. eg if they kept up expensive gym memberships or went on big nights out, or holidays or had the latest tech. I just wouldn't be happy with them spending their money on that sort of thing when they're supposed to be saving up for a deposit, and sacrificing things like that. And for me that's where it could all go tits up with bad atmospheres and differences of opinion.

I can't bear this attitude. It's very cold. She will be family, why not treat her as such?

Because she has her own parents. Who it seemed were not asked first to take them in.

Maybe they asked the person who felt they would get on most with and enjoy each other's company? It's just alien to me, this concept of feeling reluctant to feel that the family home is always the family home.

A bit different as I was only early twenties, but my mum was made homeless and I couldn’t live with her - my boyfriend at the time lived at home with parents and they let me move in rather than have to fine my own place to rent. We managed to save up and now have our own place and while it wasn’t all
sunshine and rainbows (I stayed at friends a lot haha) we all made it through and all get along well, we moved nearby and have a close knit family. One thing that does get me is that they tease me as if I’m their own kid now, I guess it came with higher familiarity 😂

My DSS has recently moved back in with his mother after 11 years of living in his own house (couldn't afford the mortgage now rates have gone up, so he's rented it out).

I think he'd been there for 48 hours before they had their first big row.

I thought they had another relative staying with them at the moment so would not be able to let the stay until that person moves out in a few months.

Just a thought.....mobile home if gardens big enough......sold as a plus to keep independence.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

this! 👆

and it’s not a family home - it’s OP’s home

We had our kids back plus partners, all good, all got on, but short periods of time. Two months or less, very different to long term.

I've had both DS and DD living with us with partners whilst they were saving.
During lockdown we had all 4 of them. We really enjoyed their company and we're all still friends.
We didn't charge them as they were saving. They were very lucky that we are in a financial position where we could do this but appreciate that not everybody can do that.
I never really minded them going out as we were all entitled to alone and couple time.
I am quite laid back so took it pretty much in my stride.
DH and I back on our own now and love when they all come round to stay the night.

Well you suggested she goes and lives at her parents and he can stay at yours. Your suggestion is splitting them up no matter how much you want to deny it. It’s your jam but own it!

I think what you are suggesting in your op (if the want to do that of course) about him living at yours, her with her parents could work. You'd need to be clear about your expectations though, food, money, cleaning etc.

I did this with my husband after uni, we lived between parents houses to save. I will warn you it's hard, lines are blurred and if I'm honest it did damage our relationship with his parents. My relationship with parents (who never charged me anything, despite them being pretty poor vs my rich in-laws) came out the other side better strangely, my parents love my husband. I think the dil mil thing can cause issues, my in laws are quite controlling and hard work so it's probably them rather than a general thing?

I don't look back on the few years we did this as a good period in time though, it was a means to an end, we saved lots and got onto the housing ladder. I was unhappy feeling like I was a child, being round my in laws like I was 17 dating their son when I was late 20s and engaged.

So many women in their late 50s and early 60s have spent their enitre adult lives lives working and bringing up children. They're tired and longing for retirement and finally getting time for themselves, but suddenly their parents and in-laws start getting frail and need a lot of attention. And then their adult kids decide they need to save money. And then those late 50s/early 60s women are expected to provide cheap or even free housing and child care. It can all start to feel far too much. All those telling the Op to just do it, need to leave her be to set her own boundaries.

My cousin has taken in her DD and BF, both 30, who want to save for their own place. She charges them £350 pm each to cover utilities. They have to contribute to food bill. This super kind imho as it's in London and I imagine costs of renting somewhere would be 3 times that.

All these people suggesting they ask the Dad or her parents. Why is it ok for them but not OP?
Surely easiest solution is 4-5 months with OP then the same at her parents. SPlit it evenly.

Well you suggested she goes and lives at her parents and he can stay at yours. Your suggestion is splitting them up no matter how much you want to deny it.

It's a suggestion, not a command! They are free to do something else if they don't like it.

Anyway, how would the practicalities work? OP lives in a three-bed house. How many third bedrooms are big enough to accommodate two adults?

Fabulous news. It is so great to read a thread where the OP listens to her feelings, works out what she wants and needs and advocates for that, and is able to bring a dilemma to a satisfactory conclusion. Well done!

They were asking her because they thought she would cave in.