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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 08/01/2023 15:37

Also I don't think OP is retired which would also make a big difference in having the inclination/capacity to take on more household chores.

PiccalilliPops · 08/01/2023 16:10

Glad you had a more productive conversation OP. I came back for holidays during uni but when I moved out after that my parents downsized! I’m the youngest.

If we were ever in real strife they’d help and paid for white goods at my first house as a present but the expectation was they’d done their bit to give us the best chance and what we made of ourselves after that was up to us. I’m a little older than your son, it was still hard to get a house but not as bad as now. I’ve lived in some holes! house sharing and then in flats in our own, it’s all part of the journey of growing up. Mum and dad had worked for over 40’s by this point, raised their own family and just wanted to do their thing. Never resented them and cut my cloth accordingly.

Think you are being v fair and level headed about it whilst putting your needs first.

Fluffmum · 08/01/2023 17:46

Decline. It will end in arguments believe me

Sibicatsndogs · 08/01/2023 17:47

Should only have your son back. Otherwise it would just be looking after 2 grows adults. Have a spreadsheet ready and collect the savings.

Hammer66 · 08/01/2023 17:56

This happened to me and my youngest son & his girlfriend, they were 25 & it worked out really well. They did pay board but I was single - divorced from his dad and they had the loft conversion as their bedroom. It helped them to save and other than the odd hiccup with dirty washing etc it was a good experience all round. But my advice is, be clear about boundaries, expectations, money etc.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/01/2023 17:56

Mine has just moved back in, with GF.
Its fine, I really like getting to know the future mother of my grandchildren so we’ll, she’s a great cook and he’s my lovely boy. It’s a big yes from me.

Fam23 · 08/01/2023 18:16

ShadowPuppets · 07/01/2023 07:30

Personally I would do it. It’s not right to split up an adult couple who had previously been living together. I suspect he won’t do it if that’s the condition, and for seeing my kids on the property ladder would be a great reassurance that they were settled. And while the gf issue is different, the fact you allowed his brother to do this means I really think you need to allow him the same.

Full disclosure - my parents hosted my then BF (now DH) and I for six months after we put in an offer to buy until completion. We saved £8k in that time which basically furnished our first flat, and I’m incredibly grateful. If they’d said bf couldn’t have come with me, I’d have had to do a short term let (landlord was selling up) and it would have been a shit 6 months in expensive accommodation followed by a shit 6 months while we saved for furniture.

I agree with you. I don’t think it would be fair to split them up and you’d potentially be putting him off saving up that deposit by refusing her staying too

Adviceneeded200 · 08/01/2023 18:17

I guess everyone is different. I'd love to have either of my kids back with their partners! It makes sense so they can save as its so much easier to when rent is lower. It won't happen for me as both have to live away for their jobs so I miss them!

I like the idea of fully charging though and just saving it towards the deposit so they do do what they say

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/01/2023 18:19

Could they not move in with her parents?

GUARDIAN1 · 08/01/2023 18:21

I'd say yes to son, no to gf. It would very quickly feel like it was their place, not yours. I think your plan is very generous.

AmberMcAmber · 08/01/2023 18:33

I have no idea what your kids are like (except the immaculately tidy one) however… my parents did this for me and my two siblings… AND our partners so that we could save every penny we could towards a deposit
when I came back with my then bf (now DH) my sis was also there with her partner, two kids and her dog!

I know it’s not right for everyone but I think if you set some ground rules and discuss them with DS and gf so there is no misunderstanding on how you want things to be

AnnaA89 · 08/01/2023 18:35

Speaking as someone who has been there. My now husband and I had a flat we rented. We wanted to buy. We moved back separately with parents for a year (having lived in our flat for two years) before I moved into his mums with him. We were there a little over a year and bought our house. We’ve been here 5 years. Married nearly five years and two kids later. I still absolutely love my mother in law. Weirdly we spent three months of the time I lived there alone as my husband had to go away 5 nights a week training for his job!

BigHeadBertha · 08/01/2023 18:39

As and aside, isn't this a bit backwards and asking for a big headache down the road, on your son and his girlfriend's side? I mean, if they're not sure enough about each other yet to get married, why get entangled in owning a house together?!

MeridianB · 08/01/2023 18:40

OP did you son say why he wasn’t trying to move in with his dad? Or give any indication that his dad might also help financially?

AnnieSnap · 08/01/2023 18:42

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:33

Thanks - I won’t say no to my son as he’s welcome to move back. If he’s on his own he can live much more self-contained and out of the way (plus we can eat at one sitting).

If they came as a couple it would be completely different - it’s definitely going to be a no. It would be like being back in a student house! Who’s cooking when, who’s using the washing machine when…

I think you’re on the right track with your plan, but why would it only be “who’s cooking when, who’s using the washing machine when. . . . .”? Are you assuming that only you and the girlfriend are responsible for such tasks?

Thinking2022 · 08/01/2023 18:46

Your plan sounds perfect- a couple can easily sacrifice time together at 27 for the need to save cash for a deposit and should both understand your position.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 08/01/2023 18:46

DH and I lived with ILs for three years to buy. We were actually all quite happy together, but I'm very happy in my own place now. Its made my relationship with them really strong- it was good before anyway.
My two cents as to what helped us- first, boundaries- you need to be very clear on any expectations for housekeeping, division of housework, will they be doing their own cooking or will you take turns, etc.
Privacy - depending on space, do you have a second living space or will they just have their bedroom?
What is their plan- how much are they saving pm, and when do they plan to buy? With my ILs we thought we would be out by early last year but the house fell through, and it was late Spring instead.
What made it work for us - we did our own shopping and groceries, but every Sunday (or another day if I was working) I'd cook us all a lovely meal. DH would sort out cutting the grass and all the outdoorsy work. We all divided housework. MiL and I had lots of evenings watching movies and having a glass of wine as DH and FiL were busy/working, so there were lovely times.
There were great times but we all worked very hard

Sorry for the long post! If you've got through it, I hope it helped and I'll answer any other questions I can if it helps.

Englishash · 08/01/2023 18:48

But if you say 'no' to the GF he might not come. But if you say 'yes' with provisos it might help them save up more quickly and be gone? Good idea to offer to hold the savings in escrow as it were. And to suggest a saving spreadsheet- that's a very modem tool and one they might have thought of already. Could you not get around the kitchen usage with rules? You cook Sunday. They do Monday. You do Tuesday... It's not meant to be forever after all. Could they not have 2 upstairs rooms? One as living room? I think you're coming to have to at least let him come home home as you did for his brother. Such a dilemma with the gf attached. You sound like a good mum - you'll make the right call for everyone.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 08/01/2023 18:50

Haven't read all the answers, but I say let them both move in. It's not forever and you may live to regret not helping them both out if this girl becomes long term and they have children together. You may end up being the loser. Let them both move in and enjoy his company while you can.

RoyalStallion · 08/01/2023 19:03

This surprises me. I moved back home with my future dh to save a deposit. Both my oldest children have down the same

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/01/2023 19:05

@Englishash

”But if you say 'no' to the GF he might not come.”

…And? That’s up to him isn’t it?

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/01/2023 19:06

Middleagedspreadisreal · 08/01/2023 18:50

Haven't read all the answers, but I say let them both move in. It's not forever and you may live to regret not helping them both out if this girl becomes long term and they have children together. You may end up being the loser. Let them both move in and enjoy his company while you can.

@Middleagedspreadisreal

why would she live to regret it?

Soapnutty · 08/01/2023 19:12

If I had the space and got on with the girlfriend I would offer for them to both live together, but it’s entirely up to you of course. Asking them to live separately feels a bit harsh. My nephew and his girlfriend moved back to her parents home for a year whilst saving for a deposit. They have saved the deposit and have just put in an offer for their first home. Apparently it has worked out ok living at her parents. My nephew did most of the cooking and they said they would take the family dog for a walk regularly if they felt the parents wanted some space!

Exmouthlady · 08/01/2023 19:14

Wow. MN are very anti non family. I agreed to my sons girlfriend moving in with us when he was 22. We have had a fantastic 5yrs. They finally were able to buy their first home this year. I have a great relationship with his partner. We shared chores, cooking etc, they still gave me rent, bought their own food and paid their own individual bills. I think it was a great chance for them to live as a couple, save and have responsibilities. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Justbefair · 08/01/2023 19:16

It's a shame they can't just go for it together and live as a couple, which we had to do. Yes it's not easy but if both have decent salaries as you said, just got to economise. By mid 20s it's time to grow up a bit, unless special needs. Otherwise do set down firm ground rules and defo no gf, that's just too much. I moved back home for a year inbetween life situations early 20s and was so grateful to my parents for this but paid my share but wasn't so I could save, it was circumstances. X

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