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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 14:09

chocolateflapjacks · 07/01/2023 13:53

You're not coming off well to me.

Show quote history

@chocolateflapjacks

im sure op is devastated that she’s not coming off well to you

why should she share her kitchen as if she’s done that?!

it’s her home. Not her sons. And not his gf’s. They just need to rent and save like everyone else

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 14:10

CovertImage · 07/01/2023 13:55

The benefit is knowing you've helped your child surely. "Child" FFS!

There's no end to the sacrifices that MN thinks that middle-aged and older women ought to be prepared to make for their family is there? Younger women are allowed "boundaries" but fuck that for the older ones

@Oliotya

this ! 👆

WelliesandWine88 · 07/01/2023 14:17

Oliotya · 07/01/2023 13:39

So the house was bought 12 years ago. A lot has changed since then.

Show quote history

By 'have my own place' I mean, I rented my own property. At 27 I was in my own home, with a child, paying my own way...
Actually Just bought the House this month..we've been saving the last year to buy.....also have two kids...it's doable

2bazookas · 07/01/2023 14:17

Your gut says no; do it.

They can move in with her parents.

Olive19741205 · 07/01/2023 14:26

I'm honestly surprised at how many people wouldn't help their children Maybe I'm one of few who thinks children are for life.

So sanctimonious. Yes, yes you're better than everybody else. Did you miss the bit where OP helped out her other son by letting him move back home? Or the bit where she's willing for this son to move back home?

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 14:26

Afternoon all.

The meeting went well. I explained that I felt it could have been handled better and he apologised so we moved on.

I said my starting point is that I want to support them however I can whilst making sure we still all have a great relationship at the end of it.

He explained more about his finances, how much they have saved and how much more they need plus timescales they can achieve that.

We talked about other options including continuing to rent but somewhere cheaper, staying at her parents or his dad’s.

Upshot is they will probably move out of the current rental at the end of February and go to respective parents and then possibly move in with her parents in the summer when their ‘lodger’ has left. Or continue to live separately.

Time frame is probably a year till they can buy somewhere.

Before I came home we dropped in his flat and spoke the 3 of us so all left on good terms.

Feeling much better about things and thanks again for all the advice and comments.

OP posts:
Liorae · 07/01/2023 14:29

SmileWithADimple · 07/01/2023 07:27

You can't really say an outright no if you let his brother do it - that would seem very unfair. I think not letting his girlfriend move in and putting a timescale on it is a good compromise.

Yes she can. The circumstances are different.

fizzandchips · 07/01/2023 14:31

Really pleased OP. Hope you can now enjoy the rest of your weekend knowing you have been fair, but also set boundaries for your own happiness too, which you so deserve. A very good outcome.

Remona · 07/01/2023 14:32

Good outcome, OP. Often the thought of doing something is worse than the reality.

diddl · 07/01/2023 14:32

A year even if living separately?

That's a long time!

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 14:36

fizzandchips · 07/01/2023 14:31

Really pleased OP. Hope you can now enjoy the rest of your weekend knowing you have been fair, but also set boundaries for your own happiness too, which you so deserve. A very good outcome.

Thank you yes and now I can get back to my original plan of lying on the sofa watching shite reality TV!

OP posts:
helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 14:47

@Urguth

All of your points are pure speculation 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you really think moving home is a dream option for anyone in their 20s?

I know lots of people who did it as a means to an end. One person I know even moved back with her single mum, taking her husband and child too. They couldn't save while renting and her mum wanted them to own a home so her grandchild was settled. It was short term and allowed them to save a deposit.

Im sure some take the piss and sponge off parents etc. but I'm sure there are loads who contributed to the house and respected the opportunity.

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 14:53

rookiemere · 07/01/2023 13:38

I notice those advocating this arrangement have been the beneficiaries not the parents.

I was given the opportunity myself I know how grateful I was and would pass that on to my children if/ when needed.

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 14:57

CovertImage · 07/01/2023 13:55

The benefit is knowing you've helped your child surely. "Child" FFS!

There's no end to the sacrifices that MN thinks that middle-aged and older women ought to be prepared to make for their family is there? Younger women are allowed "boundaries" but fuck that for the older ones

I wonder what 'boundaries' your children will have when you are old and need care?

Family look after each other, no just when it suits them.

Favouritefruits · 07/01/2023 15:02

I asked my mum the same, she said she’d rather give me the house deposit than have me move in which she did. Is that an option?

Tamarindtree · 07/01/2023 15:05

‘I’ve thought about it and am going to say no because I value the good relationship we all have and there will be enormous stress with us all living together under one roof and I would hate for us to fall
out over it.’

That is a perfectly reasonable statement and if they argue that there won’t be any stress, you stand firm and say this is an example of why it won’t work because they are being persistent over wanting something your own way, so you can imagine what it will be like if you lived together and face any disagreements!

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 15:07

Say no. If this lady is the one, don't risk your future grandchildren. Sprinkle money if you like, it'll be cheaper in the long term! Son has had one adult stay and he isn't in dire need. Dad's turn😉

CovertImage · 07/01/2023 15:12

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 14:57

I wonder what 'boundaries' your children will have when you are old and need care?

Family look after each other, no just when it suits them.

Show quote history

Erm, "ouch". Is that what you're after?

If you're suggesting "blackmail unless you accede to my every desire", it ain't a good look frankly. I assume that having brought him up and allowed him to move back in after university, the OP has already "earned" his future assistance

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/01/2023 15:17

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 14:57

I wonder what 'boundaries' your children will have when you are old and need care?

Family look after each other, no just when it suits them.

Show quote history

@helloimnew123

bingo!

wondered when the whole “your kids will justifiably leave you to rot in care when you’re old if you don’t sacrifice and martyr yourself as much as possible (even though they are adults now too)”

well done 👍

Oliotya · 07/01/2023 15:22

helloimnew123 · 07/01/2023 14:57

I wonder what 'boundaries' your children will have when you are old and need care?

Family look after each other, no just when it suits them.

Show quote history

I agree. Family should be about supporting each other. But on MN middle aged women are the ultimate martyrs.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/01/2023 15:25

Glad you got a good outcome OP. I would just advise you to tread carefully. Part of it for me would depend on how long they had been together. If it's less than a year I'd agree no way, but if its a long established relationship (or if they were engaged or married) then I'd consider carefully.

One of my friends was with her partner for 5 years. They were moving to her parents area for jobs and wanted to stay with her parents (4 bed house, just her parents and 1 other DC occupying) while looking for somewhere to buy rather than being locked into a years rental. They said she was welcome but not him. They got a rental and still don't really talk to them. Were the wrong to say no to him coming? If course not, their house, their rules. But their daughter felt disrespected and it didn't endear them to her DP either. They lost their daughter and now their grandchildren over it even though it was within their rights.

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 15:56

i hoipe they are happy at her parents

i wonder if her parent will come on mn for opinions ? Wink

billy1966 · 07/01/2023 15:58

Well handled OP.

Him asking you such a question in front of her, at a dinner, is appalling.

At 27 he is far too old for such stupidity.
It speaks of entitlement.

He's barely left but now wants to return so he can save at your expense, literally.

It is not unreasonable for you to want to enjoy your home yourself.

Be very very clear on what you expect from him rules wise when he returns.

Surprisingly how often I hear of children returning trying to revert to teen slopiness and having to be put firmly straight!

Kennykenkencat · 07/01/2023 16:06

Ragwort · 07/01/2023 07:34

I think it was very poor of him to ask you in front of his GF (& not very sensitive of her either). I can't imagine a grown woman wanting to live with her BF's mother ... surely after having your own place together you wouldn't want to be in a parent's spare room living as 'lodgers'... far easier to live separately or get another rental.

My NDN had all her dc move back to save up for a mortgage with wives and gfs in tow.
All at the same time.

She did say it was chaos. Within 2 years they were all in their own home and she got her house back.

bellswithwhistles · 07/01/2023 16:22

The amount of entitled 20 somethings these days is incredible. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking to move back home with my bf as an adult. Or would I have even wanted to!

If you do agree to it, they need to pay to put all of their stuff in storage and you need to agree/contract it's only for 4 months or however long it is.