Newborn won't sleep in cot, too scared to bed share. On my knees

[AliceAbsolum]

No other generation of women were told to put tiny babies on their backs away from them otherwise they will die
I'm terrified of co sleeping but she will not sleep in her cot. I can't stay awake 24 hours a day
The whole thing is fucking awful

She's 4 weeks old and I've tried dummy, swaddle, white noise, warming the surface, putting a t shirt down. Rocking, stroking patting. Nothing works. As soon as she realizes that she is put down she screams

I co slept with my 2nd DC and it was the only way any of us got any sleep. Just make sure you follow the guidance and do it as safety as you can.

To be honest, I feel sorry for families that have toddlers that are incapable of sleeping in their own beds. It must be terrible for the parents and I can't see how it's going to help a child's long term development - e.g. will they be able to cope with school trips away?
They grow out of needing to sleep with you at about age 2-3. Certainly by school age. I don’t see the problem with letting your child sleep with you until they decide they’re ready to sleep alone? They will grow out of it - nobody has an 18yo who wants to sleep with them!

@Nowthenhere This OP.

And OP, cosleeping is safer than what you’ve been doing. Sitting up holding a baby when you’re tired and could fall asleep is way more dangerous. And putting a tshirt in the cot is super dangerous because the baby could get wrapped in it and suffocate. It’s ridiculous how the authorities have people terrified of cosleeping but apparently it’s fine to do these other things which are even more dangerous!

Personally, I would co-sleep and I did with both of mine from birth.

But if not an option, right now, you need sleep to be well and keep going. When we were at this stage, Dh wore ours in a sling or just held them and walked in circles around the lounge from 7pm to 1am, with a break for a feed around 10.

It meant I got a good 4-5 hours of sleep at the start of the night so even if 1-6am was broken, I wasn’t starting on empty. I should point out, he managed this while working more that FT. Often doing web design and returning emails with a baby strapped to him while I slept.

it really won’t be forever. Things will be so different in a month but right now you need to make sure you sleep.

I cannot imagine not co-sleeping. Did with all three of mine. I never touched alcohol. I hardly moved an inch but I got some restful sleep.

An infant being separated from its mother is the most unnatural thing in the world. Take a look at other mammals. Sorry (not sorry) whomever that offends.

"To be honest, I feel sorry for families that have toddlers that are incapable of sleeping in their own beds. It must be terrible for the parents and I can't see how it's going to help a child's long term development - e.g. will they be able to cope with school trips away? What happens when they're usurped by a younger sibling that needs to co-sleep? When does it end? Do you have to go to bed at 7pm every night, just so the kid can sleep? If you keep the kid up until you're ready for bed, does the kid get enough sleep?"

No need to feel sorry for me, I loved it! DD1 slept in with me until just after she turned 3. I put her to bed at 7, then I would go to bed at whatever time I wanted and just got in beside her. If she stirred in the night, a quick cuddle and she was back to sleep. It was the best way to wake in the mornings too. I really miss it

She now sleeps in her own bed mostly but does come through to get in with DH some nights. Her baby sister cosleeps with me now and DD1 told me she doesn't want to be woken up by the baby so she wouldn't be coming in any more

To all those giving Emmamoo a hard time - you all need to chill.

I coslept with babies back in the 90s and everyone survived despite blankets and a pillow for me. They also slept in their cot occasionally, with blankets and soft toys and a cot bumper.

I suspect people will look back some time in the future on all the extreme, exaggerated caution around this and scratch their heads. Maybe it would be useful to have a look at how cosleeping is done in countries where there isn't the same cultural expectation that once a baby is popped out the mother needs to resume marital duties and set the baby aside as much as possible. The 50s haven't been put to sleep yet.

My grandparents drove without a seatbelt all the time and didn’t die, so just chill.

My parents used to smoke in the car and I survived.

Kids used to get sent up chimneys all the time and it was fine.

I give my toddler uncut grapes all the time and she’s still alive.

🙄

Properly planning to co sleep is very safe. Most of the issues with co sleeping come from
people not planning to do it. Ie falling asleep accidentally while holding the baby or being really sleep deprived and just shoving the baby in your bed in the middle of the night. Do the research and set yourself up with a safe sleep space before bed and it’s fine.

@ThisGirlNever if it was that easy, they were ready to do that sleep developmentally anyway and didn’t need any training. It’s not in any way evidence that the method was effective.

Agreed. I don't often co sleep as baby sleeps fine in Moses basket but often will do for naps. I use a duvet and pillow for me and have baby in the crook of my arm on their side on and off the breast. Against the guidelines in a few ways I guess, but every fibre of my being is hardwired to keep my children safe. You don't go into a full sleep when co-sleeping so you are aware of babies positioning. I live abroad and have friends from all over the world, all of who bedshare and non who don't use blankets etc

Thank you so much. Appreciate it x

I know in my heart I can keep my son safe. I wake up to every little sound. I have him so close to me he doesn't move at all. These people judging me have no right to cause they are not witness to it. And should mind their own business

I was like you, just Co sleep you'll be glad you did. I slept with her on my chest it's helped her so much, 8 months now n she'll sleep in her cot

Mine also wouldn't be put down and I co-slept. Never thought I would but I was so exhausted and falling apart by that point.

You won't sleep brilliantly as you will be hyper aware of your baby but it's far better than either not sleeping at all, or falling asleep and dropping them etc.

@Emmamoo89 absolutely. Guidance is great to bare in mind but a lot of the 'rules' actually disempower mums by stripping away their ability to trust their instincts. 2nd time around, i'm doing what makes sense to me... rather than allowing official advice to send me into constant anxiety.

Agree that many of the rules just end up disempowering women. This has been the case since at least the start of the 20th century, when the experts started muscling in on women's lived experience and casting aspersions on wisdom handed down through generations.

Look at the career and work of John B. Watson as an egregious example of the 'scientific management' approach to care of babies and young children. His diktat was considered cutting edge in the interwar years. He did enormous damage not only to millions of mothers and children inbtbe anglophone world but also to his own family.

Look at the advice given to women in the 50s - sedation and forceps during delivery, bottle feeding thereafter every four hours on the dot, baby in cot in separate room, etc. Dr Spock was a welcome antidote to all of that, but now there's sleep training... We're not on a continuous upward trajectory when it comes to baby care knowledge and advice. We lurch from one fad to the next, and enormous anxiety is caused.

The overarching problem is disempowerment of mothers, a problem which leads to women like the OP basically going without sleep because she's so afraid of harming her baby.

@Mumsanetta

There's note than one way to peel a grape.

As I suggested, maybe take a look at the state of things in countries that are not part of the anglophone world, where a war on mothers' instincts has not been waged for over a century.

We got a single mattress for the floor where my husband now sleeps when our DS wants to come in the bed/won't be settled in the next to me. It means there's loads of space for us to safely do the curl (?) position, no blankets or anything so I have to wrap up warm! My midwife also suggested rolling up a cellular blanket and tucking it round the bottom of DS from armpit to armpit around his legs/feet if that makes sense, while he's in the next to me (sort of like a sleepyhead shape but without going round his head IYSWIM) to make him feel more contained. My DS is now 6 weeks old and we're coming to the end of his growth spurt I think and his independent sleep is really starting to improve if that gives you some hope!

Very old timer, old style here - admitted and accepted. Each of my babies slept in a handmade cradle (made by my dad), next to our bed. They were bottle-fed and swaddled. Clearly they were in a confined space too in the cradle. Sometimes they cried in the early evening when put down. I hated it and could not let it go on for long. So I returned, soothed them and tried again. I usually found it not necessary to keep repeating.

Well yes, I guess it is all wrong for 2023, but it worked with 5 different babies. They never did the crying routine except at that time of day. Around 4 months they were to big for cradle and were then put down in the cot in their own room.

I put a single mattress on the floor OP ad fed my baby to sleep then rolled out. Sometimes I'd fall asleep myself. I made sure the whole room was safe. Baby wouldn't sleep in the cot and this worked just fine - no duvet jus a baby blanket and sleeping bag. The father didn't sleep in the bed as Dad's aren't wired in to young babies demands in the same way.

He's had kids duvet in cot since 5 days old.

I am all for empowerment around parenting choices, however:

This is staggeringly unsafe. www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/first-aid-and-safety/safety/baby-and-toddler-safety/#:~:text=Do%20not%20use%20pillows%20or,the%20foot%20of%20their%20cot.

The measure of safety isn't that 'well, my baby survived, so it must be fine'. The guidance does not say that 'all babies who do this will die'. However, sadly, as with all risk factors it's not possible to determine which babies will be adversely affected.

(This isn't about criticising the choices of one poster but about emphasising the correct guidance from experts).

I co slept with both my DCs. If you're breast feeding it's so much more natural and easy as they can sense you, and you can know they are still breathing etc. I used to wake up just a few seconds before either started crying for milk; it's very instinctive. There are safe ways to do it. Your well-being also matters so co-sleep in a safe way.

My son is fine. He can lift the duvet off himself. I trust my mam. Its what she did with all of us.