Newborn won't sleep in cot, too scared to bed share. On my knees

[AliceAbsolum]

No other generation of women were told to put tiny babies on their backs away from them otherwise they will die
I'm terrified of co sleeping but she will not sleep in her cot. I can't stay awake 24 hours a day
The whole thing is fucking awful

She's 4 weeks old and I've tried dummy, swaddle, white noise, warming the surface, putting a t shirt down. Rocking, stroking patting. Nothing works. As soon as she realizes that she is put down she screams

Dear God.

The links I posted are about SIDS / cot death.

The risk factors include unsafe practices like using bedding in cots or having stuffed toys there.

There isn't a differentiation between the ultimate causality and the definition of SIDS. As the name makes clear it relates to sudden infant deaths within a defined age range.

The exact cause is not known. It is considered to be an interplay of a number of risk factors all if which are specified on the linked, evidence based websites, including the link you yourself posted which you completely misread & misrepresented.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I suggest that not posting inaccurate and unhelpful (potentially dangerous) information might be advisable, if you don't like the replies (fact-based) that you are getting.

It’s not that a baby can’t move a blanket or duvet, but they might not. We know that because it can happen and the baby can die. It’s nothing that instinct or experience can help you with.

Using a duvet or unsafe bedding with a young baby puts them at risk of death. It’s not an opinion, it’s fact.

Taking SIDS out of it, it can cause suffocation which could lead to death. The vast majority of parents don’t believe it’s worth the risk so the rate of unsafe sleeping has reduced and therefore, so has cot death.

A baby (or child) not dying, despite lack of car seat, seatbelt, cut grapes, safe sleeping practices, is down to pure luck. Running out in the road would be similar- you may well survive if drivers spot you, and are moving slowly enough etc. But that doesn’t mean it’s a safe or advisable thing to do.

I can't be the only one reading this who couldn't sleep a wink if their baby was in bed with them?!

I must be a really fussy sleeper because without two pillows and being wrapped like a burrito in a duvet up to my chin, there was no chance of me falling asleep.

@AliceAbsolum I'm not going to get involved in the argument here but I wanted to agree with others that safe co-sleeping is worth a try. I really didn't want to do it with my first but after a couple of times of falling asleep holding him (and thankfully waking up still holding him in exactly the same position) I decided that planned co-sleeping was the safer option.

I followed all the guidelines others have already said ie baby in sleeping bag, no pillows/blankets, sleeping on my side in a c shape around him etc. I had a bedside crib with the side down and I put him in between me and that so there was no way he could fall out of the bed, only into the crib (although this never happened). I only did it full time for a couple of months I think then he gradually settled more and more often in the bedside crib. Now, at 4, I love the nights he wakes up and wants to come in for cuddles with me as they aren't very often!

Same. there's no way I could sleep with just a jumper on, or in a sleeping bag(?!) or with something just around my legs. I also don't believe in this instinct that people seem to trust. I sometimes wake up not knowing what day of the week it is, there's no way I'm going to sleep in tune to co - sleeping. Maybe it's just me.

The main risk you're increasing isn't cot death, though blankets etc raise that risk. The risk is straightforward suffocation.

Your son can probably push covers away or roll out from under pillows to some extent when he's awake. Not so much when he's asleep.

He will probably be fine, like lots of us who grew up like this. But some children have died because of sleeping arrangement like this. We can't know who it will happen to.

Co-sleeping can be okay, but the way you are using pillows and duvets is dangerous.

I know I wasn't going to say anything else but would like to make some things clear.

With the kids duvet I tucked it right under the mattress so it couldn't be moved. He was in the same room as me. I checked on him a lot.

With the fur blanket and toys he didn't get those until I knew he could push/kick them away. Again I would check on him loads and so would my partner till we were satisfied he was okay.

When he sleeps he doesn't move around a lot stays in the same place. Again I've seen this he still maamged to kick/push away in his sleep.

He is completely 100% safe in my arms. So please back tf away.

Have a nice day.

Managed*

OP - Read the book "Sweet Sleep" by La Leche League. My 8 week old and I slept 9 hours last night, with one slight stir for a feed, following the information and advice within it.

With the kids duvet I tucked it right under the mattress so it couldn't be moved.

That's going to make things worse for him if he ends up under the duvet.

With the fur blanket and toys he didn't get those until I knew he could push/kick them away. Again I would check on him loads and so would my partner till we were satisfied he was okay.

The fact that he can does not mean that he always will.

When he sleeps he doesn't move around a lot stays in the same place. Again I've seen this he still maamged to kick/push away in his sleep.

Sure - babies who suffocate don't have to do it the first time they encounter a hazard. You only need to be unlucky once. He will probably be fine because these are quite low risks. But they are risks you could easily avoid for him. Hope he stays well and healthy.

Really just follow the Lullaby trust advice. It’s the safest thing to do. Babies do suffocate unexpectedly.

Just an update, thank you for all your advice. I've Co slept following the guidelines the last 2 nights and it's been a absolute game changer. I'm happier, she sleeps better, I'm not anxious and obsessed with sleep anymore. Wish I'd done it earlier!

You’ve got to do things when you’re ready!

So glad it’s working for you, so glad you’ve had some good sleep. Long may it continue!

So glad its working for you and you're getting some sleep 😊 I don't do it all the time but love having my baba in bed with me some nights x

Oh OP, so glad to hear this! When we started and my baby actually started doing solid stretches I felt like a new woman! Occasionally it will go back to frequent wakings, like when baby is unwell, but it's so much easier to cope with when it's just a couple of nights, not a stretch of a couple of months!

Oh I’m so pleased for you. Hurrah!

I think the midwife that wouldn’t let me leave hospital until I could feed lying down deserves a sainthood. I was so adamant I’d not co-sleep but it was the only way (and I was obsessive about it being within the guidelines).
Enjoy the nights @AliceAbsolum