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Original poster

Newborn won't sleep in cot, too scared to bed share. On my knees

244 replies

AliceAbsolum · 02/01/2023 15:19

No other generation of women were told to put tiny babies on their backs away from them otherwise they will die
I'm terrified of co sleeping but she will not sleep in her cot. I can't stay awake 24 hours a day
The whole thing is fucking awful

She's 4 weeks old and I've tried dummy, swaddle, white noise, warming the surface, putting a t shirt down. Rocking, stroking patting. Nothing works. As soon as she realizes that she is put down she screams

OP posts:
TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 02/01/2023 15:31

Yes, without the obvious risk factors such as alcohol/medication/sofa etc co-sleeping is very safe indeed.

BuffaloCauliflower · 02/01/2023 15:31

If you’re following safe bedsharing advice (no smoking adults in the bed, ideally room, no alcohol, firm mattress, bedding kept away from baby and sleeping in the cuddle curl position with baby at breast level) it is safe. Even the NHS NICE guidance talks about how to safely bedshare now because we know so many babies don’t want to sleep separately and mum’s need sleep too. Being chronically over tired is also dangerous for you and baby, and accidentally falling asleep on a sofa with baby because you’re so tired is always more dangerous than sleeping with them in a bed that’s set up for bedsharing on purpose. I bedshared with my son from birth and will do the same with the baby coming soon. I’m so sorry women have been taught there’s no safe way to bedshare when it’s absolutely not true, our babies are born expecting to stay close to us, it’s what they need and they and you are doing nothing wrong by following your biology

Hugasauras · 02/01/2023 15:32

You can feed lying down too so when baby falls asleep you gently unlatch them or they unlatch themselves and they don't have to be moved. You just sleep curled round them and if they wake, just help them latch on again.

It's a gamechanger! DD2 didn't sleep in her cot as a baby. She does now for naps at 6mo but cosleeping saved countless hours of trying to settle her in a cot. I just fed, we both slept again.

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TwilightSkies · 02/01/2023 15:33

Honestly just co-sleep. Follow the guidelines and you won’t look back.

Tamarindtree · 02/01/2023 15:33

Both of mine were put in bed next to me and never got to sleep in their cots!

It was great for me for night feeds and changing nappies as I hardly had to move!

Baconand · 02/01/2023 15:34

Safe co-sleeping is the only way. Much safer than the accidental sleeping you will do while exhausted. Clear the bed of absolutely everything, wear warm clothes yourself and just feed lying down. Stay there for as long as you need day or night.

But I know it feels like it but this is not your life forever. My DD was impossible until 6 weeks and got significantly better after 8. You will sleep again, this is not permanent.

ThisGirlNever · 02/01/2023 15:36

I'm not recommending this, because it is the opposite of the official guidance, but I know a couple that placed their son on his front to sleep. He, apparently, slept brilliantly on his front, but wouldn't sleep at all on his back.

BuffaloCauliflower · 02/01/2023 15:37

@ThisGirlNever this is less safe than just bedsharing.

pjani · 02/01/2023 15:39

Another co-sleeper here. It was suggested by the health visitor and really helped me with DC1 so I did it with DC2 from birth.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2023 15:42

tinseltoes1982 · 02/01/2023 15:31

Have you tried a small
Moses basket with a stand?
This was a
Lifesaver for me xxxx

Isn't that what you put newborn babies in nowadays?

itsnevertolate · 02/01/2023 15:42

As others have said co-sleep. I had an amazing midwife with my eldest. I was so tired and I couldn't get DD to settle, she showed me how to co-sleep safely and it was a game changer. With DD2 I didn't hesitate to co-sleep. I also bought one of those puddle pod things which DD2 was happy to sleep in so we used that in the day. I think some pods are also designed for co-sleeping, so that could be something to look into.

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 15:42

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 02/01/2023 15:29

It IS safer. The stats speak for themselves. 50% of SIDS happens in 'ideal' cot conditions and 50% bed sharing. But of the 50% bed sharing, 90% are caused by unsafe bed sharing such as falling asleep on a sofa, which is included in the stats. So safe co sleeping is safer than safe cot sleeping.

You’re not reporting the U.K. stats correctly. Bed sharing isn’t safer than a cot sleeping because far more parents use a cot than bedshare:

on any night:
22% of babies will be bedsharing
88% of babies will be in a cot

50% of SIDS deaths occur while bed sharing and 50% while in a cot.

Ergo, SIDS is 4x higher for bedsharing infants than cot sleeping infants.

However, you are correct that the bedsharing figure includes dangerous bed sharing like a parent who is a smoker, or has consumed 2 or more units of alcohol or is on medication. So the base risk of bedsharing is unknown and UNICEF is calling for better studies to be done on infant sleep risks.

If you are bedsharing with safety measures, the risk of SIDS could be as low as cot sleeping…but it has not been shown to be safer than cot sleeping.

Sarahcoggles · 02/01/2023 15:42

I was scared of co-sleeping. Then one night I was sitting up in bed feeding DS1, and the next thing I knew I woke up and he was face down on the duvet. I'd nodded off and he'd rolled down. Another time I was sitting on the edge of the bed, till I fell asleep and dropped him on the floor! After that I co-slept. He was breast fed. I had him in a gro-bag sleeping bag, and I wrapped a sheet around myself, and lay on my side with my arm stretched out above his head.
As a non smoker who didn't drink, I judged it to be the safest option.
With DS2 I went straight to co-sleeping.

ThisGirlNever · 02/01/2023 15:42

BuffaloCauliflower · 02/01/2023 15:37

@ThisGirlNever this is less safe than just bedsharing.

I don't know the statistics for bed sharing.

When they told me they were placing the boy on his front, I mentioned the increased risk of SIDS. They told me that it doubled the risk, but the risk was so small that it was still miniscule. I left it at that.

We never placed either of our boys on their fronts to sleep, but both boys immediately rolled over, from their backs onto their fronts, once they able to roll.

I think some babies just prefer to sleep on their fronts.

mafsfan · 02/01/2023 15:43

I coslept with both of mine.

You're breastfeeding so so long as you follow the safe sleeping practices the risks are very small (unless you drink or take drugs?).

It's so much better than sleep deprivation. I found sleeping in a dressing gown with a boob out worked best for both me and my DC.

Nannylp · 02/01/2023 15:43

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Newborns are such hard work and everything feels worse when you're exhausted. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and trying all the right strategies. Is there someone who can take the baby for a few hours so that you can sleep, you'll feel like a new woman if you can get a few solid hours in.
It is very very normal for a 4 week old to want to be on you all the time and I promise it does get better! Co-sleeping is an absolute game changer if you can give it a try. Don't worry if you don't feel comfortable doing it though. Is Dad around so you can tag team? You could try putting something on the snuzpod that smells of you. Wear a t-shirt for the day then wrap it nice and tight around the mattress like a sheet.
I hope things improve for you soon, it feels like the world is crumbling when you're newborn-level sleep deprived

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 15:45

tiredpuppymum · 02/01/2023 15:31

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

Of all babies who died of SIDS half died alone in a cot and the other half died co sleeping.
However 90% of all of the deaths were due to unsafe sleep practices.

There's no bloody difference! Co sleep and follow the safe 7.

Note on this
On any night, 22% of babies will bed- share

There is a difference. For every 1 baby bed-sharing, 3 are in a cot.

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 02/01/2023 15:45

@Onnabugeisha thank you, I hadn't considered this. I still felt it was safer than falling asleep holding my baby, which was what was happening.

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 15:46

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 15:45

Note on this
On any night, 22% of babies will bed- share

There is a difference. For every 1 baby bed-sharing, 3 are in a cot.

Show quote history

Gah! Typo
For every 1 baby bedsharing, 4 are in a cot….
so sorry!

neveradullmoment99 · 02/01/2023 15:47

tiredpuppymum · 02/01/2023 15:23

If you look at actual research into co-sleeping, when done safely there is no increased risk of SIDS.

I co slept. I was just really careful.
My ds and dd were the same. They wanted to.be close.
Tbh, it's the most natural thing really imo.
Just need to do it safely x

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 15:48

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 02/01/2023 15:45

@Onnabugeisha thank you, I hadn't considered this. I still felt it was safer than falling asleep holding my baby, which was what was happening.

It absolutely is safer than just falling asleep wherever. Cosleeping/bedsharing is safe..I just am not comfortable with assertions that it is safer than a cot when it hasn’t been shown to be safer and feel some of these posts are giving off a false sense of security which could cause parents to be meh what’s one glass of wine…still safer than a cot. If you follow all the safety guidelines, then it is likely just as safe. You’re not starting from a place of bed sharing being naturally safer than a cot.

Nannylp · 02/01/2023 15:49

itsnevertolate · 02/01/2023 15:42

As others have said co-sleep. I had an amazing midwife with my eldest. I was so tired and I couldn't get DD to settle, she showed me how to co-sleep safely and it was a game changer. With DD2 I didn't hesitate to co-sleep. I also bought one of those puddle pod things which DD2 was happy to sleep in so we used that in the day. I think some pods are also designed for co-sleeping, so that could be something to look into.

We have the Pur Flo bed which is the one which is apparently approved for safe sleep. It doesn't fit in a Snuzpod though which is annoying but you could have it next to you in bed if you kept your duvet etc away from it
purflo.com/sleep-tight-baby-bed/

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 02/01/2023 15:51

@Onnabugeisha totally fair enough and I appreciate your extra info because it's important to be accurate if one is quoting statistics.

I think we probably both agree that, if following the safe 7, OP can feel she is still providing safety for her baby if she chooses to co-sleep.

TheShellBeach · 02/01/2023 15:53

Swaddle and put the baby down awake.

Wait ten minutes by the clock.

The baby will be asleep by then.

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 15:54

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 02/01/2023 15:51

@Onnabugeisha totally fair enough and I appreciate your extra info because it's important to be accurate if one is quoting statistics.

I think we probably both agree that, if following the safe 7, OP can feel she is still providing safety for her baby if she chooses to co-sleep.

Definitely Agree on that! Cosleeping/bedsharing is absolutely safe so long as the safety measures are followed religiously. I had that sidecar set up mostly because I am on medication for chronic health issues and this was the closest I could get to bed sharing and still being safe.