Newborn won't sleep in cot, too scared to bed share. On my knees

[AliceAbsolum]

No other generation of women were told to put tiny babies on their backs away from them otherwise they will die
I'm terrified of co sleeping but she will not sleep in her cot. I can't stay awake 24 hours a day
The whole thing is fucking awful

She's 4 weeks old and I've tried dummy, swaddle, white noise, warming the surface, putting a t shirt down. Rocking, stroking patting. Nothing works. As soon as she realizes that she is put down she screams

Of the new research on sids?

Define 'unsafe'.

I, personally, wouldn't recommend doing it because it is less safe than putting a baby down on its back, but if it works for a mother who's really struggling we're taking about a very minor absolute increase in risk, because the risk of SIDS is so small to begin with.

Hi OP. I had the snuz pod, only just got rid of it! (Now in the snuzkot). I was also terrified of co sleeping and only just bring her into the bed now at 9 months when it’s been a bad night and we both need an hours sleep (usually around 5am 😂). I remember the sleepless delirium well.

Have you tried tilting it with the reflux bar? I know they say not to tilt the side of it for sleep but in the hospital my DD was basically at a high angle 🙄
she always woke up too. I used the reflux bar (and possibly made it even higher with a book/folder….). Worked got us with the side down! Sending hugs xx

Plus I put the rest of the pillows on the other side of the bed on top of the duvet to weigh it down.

Just wanted to express my sympathy for you OP. Been there three times and it’s just awful. I wish we had more of a community around women in this country to offer hands-on support to new mums when things are so bad.

I did have to co-sleep to save my sanity but I don’t think I ever really relaxed much while doing it.

I got a breathing monitor mat & let her sleep on her front. I was desperate

I haven’t read the whole thread.
Co sleeping can be incredibly unsafe, don’t risk falling asleep on the sofa or in your bed without planning to.
Those sleep pods are also a suffocation risk at night.

Follow the Lullaby Trust advice on how to co sleep safely.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

OP, this was me 18 months ago. Turned out my little one had silent reflux. Is that a possibility with yours? Sleeping on the back is something which exacerbated the reflux hence the aversion. Got medication prescribed and things improved although my baby still preferred to sleep on me but I was able to get her to sleep on me and then transfer her to the mattress next to me after about 20 mins. I was petrified of co-sleeping as I similarly had heard all the horror stories etc but once I looked into the actual statistics (and that couch/armchair sleeping and parents consuming drugs and alcohol situations were included) I felt better about it. My baby still woke frequently at times but I was able to quickly settle, and roll her off me again. Massive hugs to you - sleep deprivation is absolutely hideous.

If baby can roll on their front and are able to roll back its perfectly safe

@Emmamoo89

Extracts below from The Lullaby Trust page linked above. Obviously feel free to ignore the guidance if you know better.

What bedding should I use for my baby when we co-sleep?
Adult bedding should be kept well away from your baby along with any belts or cords from clothing, keep adult bedding at your waist height and add an extra layer of clothing if you are cold

Co-sleeping more safely
Keep pillows and adult bedding away from your baby or any other items that could cover their head or cause them to overheat. A high proportion of babies who die as a result of SIDS are found with their head covered by loose bedding.

Thanks but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. I know best for my son 👍

We had a SnuzPod but DS didn't want to sleep in it at first. He slept well in his pram bassinet (an Uppababy so okay for overnight sleep), so we'd put him to 'bed' in that in the sitting room and then move the bassinet into the SnuzPod. It meant he was next to me so easy for night feeds etc but felt more contained than in the crib.

We did move him to his own room at 5 months though, as we'd started to keep each other awake! And he's not a magical baby who sleeps 12 hours - he's up 1-4 times a night - but he's pretty good all things considered!

Sids it's caused by a chemical in the brain. Look up the new research. Makes sense.

@Emmamoo89 I've just googled it. It's interesting but even the authors of the paper say that they have not found the cause of SIDs, just a potential biomarker for increased risk.

We co slept with our last (and still do at 14 months)

Those first weeks were hell. We took it in shifts to hold her until we settled on a next to me with me hanging my head in it so she thought I was with her 😂

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to add my 2p... I was so scared of co-sleeping too, and my HV scared me further so I made a conscious decision to just persevere with my bedside cot until eventually we got there (prob not till 6-8 week mark to be totally honest). Now my baby is 8 months and she's great in her cot until her feed around 3am... she'll try her luck to stay in my arms as best possible. Sometimes we fall asleep together using the advice for shared sleeping post-feed, but more often than not she's back in her cot.

I share because it felt like I'd never get there for such a long time but we eventually did. I wish you the best of luck x x

@Whatafielddayfortheheat i was about to say the same thing.

Here’s a link to the research for anyone else who is interested: www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352396422002225

It’s a good reminder not to trust what someone on Mumsnet says about something as serious as safe sleeping and to stick to official guidance from reputable sources such as The Lullaby Trust instead.

Try putting your whole hand on her chest with gentle pressure when you put her down. A sleep nanny showed me how do to it when I was on my knees for the same reasons, and it made the cot transfer work at least 75% of the time.

This was literally me in September. Every single thing you've mentioned. I even tried safe co-sleeping and she still screamed her head off so it wasn't an option for us.

It's not really a practical solution but we just took 3 hour shifts throughout the night holding her whilst the other one slept (me on the sofa in the same room as she's EBF and won't take a bottle). I slept on the sofa until she was 8/9 weeks and she'd do very short stints in the Moses basket with white noise blasting and then put her in a LoveToDream swaddle sleeping bag and only then she'd go for a couple of hours at a time in the snuzpod with the reflux tilt.

She's still not a great sleeper now tbh I think I've just got a bit more used to it. I feel for you though it's horrendous. I still absolutely dread night time because I know I'm in for a night of being awake. I think for the first five weeks of her life I cried for about 2 hours as soon as it got dark. Solidarity 😩 x

SIDS cases have decreased a lot in the last 20/30 years thankfully, around 80%. A lot of this is attributed to the back to sleep campaign. Even if cosleeping the baby should be on their back on a firm mattress with nothing that can go over their face. If they can roll over then that is different.

Cosleep if that’s what works for you but do it safely.

Don't you think that every parent who lost a child to SIDS thought that too?
Ignoring advice isn't knowing what is best. It's doing what suits you.

I get that this sort of thing is very abstract for most of us, nobody thinks it'll actually happen to them. It didn't happen to me, but it did in happen to somebody in my family. They were also doing their best. Wouldn't you rather have all the odds on your side?

I used a purflo nest. Although they're not recommended for overnight sleeping either. I figured I could let myself get so tired I could end up killing us all by falling asleep at the wheel or similar or I could use the nest. If co sleeping is what you have to do, then it's what you have to do.

Mine was like this. I had to co sleep. There was no other way. Google the lullaby trust and safe co sleeping. Your partner / husband should move into a spare bed if possible. It won't last forever - mine is 2.3 and has slept like a dream in his own bed, own room since around 12 months.

All 3 of mine were from sleepers. I made sure there were no other risks though.I still sleep on my tummy now.

@AliceAbsolum do co sleeping just do it very safely. Fitted sheet only on bed. No duvet pillows etc. baby in a grow bag only. You in a grow bag!!! Slumber sac do adult sized ones. It’ll be perfectly safe and I’d say you’re so tired you’ll adjust to sleep without a pillow no problem. Husband in a different room and get cot bars for your bed so no chance of baby falling out.