Newborn won't sleep in cot, too scared to bed share. On my knees

[AliceAbsolum]

No other generation of women were told to put tiny babies on their backs away from them otherwise they will die
I'm terrified of co sleeping but she will not sleep in her cot. I can't stay awake 24 hours a day
The whole thing is fucking awful

She's 4 weeks old and I've tried dummy, swaddle, white noise, warming the surface, putting a t shirt down. Rocking, stroking patting. Nothing works. As soon as she realizes that she is put down she screams

If your pram bassinet is suitable for overnight sleep could you push them to sleep, then just stop the movement gradually once asleep. Or moses basket on rocking stand. Movement really helps but as you’ve found rocking in your arms doesn’t really work as they realise they’ve transferred. Otherwise cosleeping as safely as possible. The most dangerous thing you can do is fall asleep feeding baby on the sofa out of sheer exhaustion. So anything to avoid that becoming a possibility.

It’s important to note that the rate of SIDS is 0.03%- it is extremely low.

Do you have a link for these stats?

You can co-sleep safely. Next to me cots are also very good.

Lots of info and stats here

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

I think they are from this
www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

Also posted upthread by another poster. But you have to note that on any night, 22% of babies are cosleeping and 88% are in a cot.

Research safe co sleeping. It can be done perfectly safely. It is more common than you may think. For some parents it is the only way they can get any sleep.

I am in the same boat as you op. I have a 6week old. I absolutely won't be co- sleeping though because I just can't trust that instinct that everyone talks about even with all the safe guidelines. Currently dh and I are just taking turns to hold her through the night which isn't really a solution but I don't know what else to do.

@Soontobe60 I was using the unicef stats that others have also linked above. However it has been pointed out to me that I wasn't interpreting them correctly - but co sleeping is still very safe if the guidance is followed.

Just co sleep x

Listen to your baby, she's right. Pick her up and don't put her down. Hold her all night long.
Trust your gut.
Lullaby trust has some great advice.
She's been inside you for 9 months, the idea of being so far away from your heart and breath must be terrifying.

The way I think about it is that we don't randomly roll off the bed in the middle of the night because we know the edge is there. It feels the same with cosleeping to me. I don't think any breastfeeding mother (unless on some sort of heavy medication) would ever roll on their baby, just the same as we don't randomly fall out of bed every night. I always wake up exactly in the same position as I went to sleep, curled round DC.

The biggest risk I think would be duvet or pillow overlaying baby but that's a very easy risk to mitigate.

There's been new research on sids. It's a chemical in the brain not from co sleeping. You can't prevent sids. When it happens from co sleeping that's suffercation. If done safely its completely safe x

Please be very careful that neither of you fall asleep doing so. Personally I think holding upright overnight, even in shifts, is madness and far more dangerous, as if one of you falls asleep in that position it's hugely more dangerous than if you were safe cosleepjng. I wouldn't feel safe to hold a newborn baby for hours upright overnight.

When I cosleep I put pillow on side of baba and still have duvet over us. I curl my legs round under him. And have one arm around him and over the duvet so it doesn't go over him

Agree don’t do this.

Much better to co sleep, lie on your side facing your baby and get duvet and pillows away from them. Use a small baby blanket as normal for them

Look up Lullaby Trust too

The UNICEF article touches on the sitting up thing too:

'Mothers can try and sit up rather than lay in bed to breastfeed in order to stop themselves falling asleep. As most babies breastfeed frequently, mothers risk falling asleep in a more dangerous position than if they had been lying down.'

And

'Young babies wake frequently at night and need to be fed and cared for somewhere. In most homes this will be in bed or on a sofa or armchair, simply because there is no other comfortable place. Parents can easily choose the more dangerous sofa over the less dangerous bed because they are trying to follow advice to never bed-share.'

@FantaFour this is not a personal criticism but it just makes me so sad that so many people have this 'I will never bedshare' mentality which makes it much harder for them and ultimately can lead to unsafe conditions, just because the guidance in this country is badly thought-through.

@Whatafielddayfortheheat I agree. So many parents opting for far more unsafe measures and causing much more risk to their babies because of it. It's very misguided

It’s completely normal with newborns, they want to be held. Mine was like this for the first 8 weeks. You can’t do it by yourself, you need your partner to take their turn. We did shifts, half the night each. I was exhausted but you get through it and it does get better, she started to go into her cot at 8 weeks for a few hours at a time.

Cots are safer than bedsharing. But your baby isn't giving you that option.

Bedsharing is safer than having one of you up with the baby at all times. Both in terms of risk of accidentally falling asleep somewhere unsafe, your mental health and your ability to keep your baby safe in the day (eg extreme tiredness and driving don't go well together!)

Personally I'd just look up the safe sleeping guidelines and go for it. I resisted co sleeping with my first, did it from the start with my second.

For me, I tried cosleeping but my baby didn’t like that either, she just wanted to be held. So we had to do shifts holding her until she was happy to be put down for sleep at around 8 weeks. Co sleeping isn’t always the answer.

My daughter was exactly the same. She hated the next to me crib so i bought a Moses basket. She actually slept in that while being swaddled, but she out grew it within 2 months. I ended up co sleeping with her. We're still doing it now and she's 2 years old.

Do you genuinely believe this to be true for all babies, @TheShellBeach? You don't think it's possible there's some nuance you might have missed?!

I’d suggest you set up a video camera to show just how much you and your baby move in your sleep. You may be very surprised.