Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

[Lonelyuser368]

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

Well done to you for asking him about 2nd date though. Better to know where you stand then spend days wondering. Now you can draw a line under it and move on. I mean this kindly when I say, 'he's just not that into you', don't over-analyse it too much and definitely don't take it to heart. Don't let a guy you barely know make you feel unsure about yourself.

I am now married (albeit met on Tinder 8 year ago so when it was in its relevant infancy).

But, if I were dating again in 2023, I would I think lay some ground rules.

Some initial texting - fine, call me too if you want to.
After our first date I'm not going to want you to text me. I'm an adult woman with shit to do. So please arrange second date at the end of first date.

If for any reason you can't make it, call me ahead of it to cancel, I won't be offended, nor overthink any texting or lack of in the interim because there won't have been any.

If you don't call (and I don't call you to cancel either) I'll get stood up. It's not life threatening and I'll get over it and move on.

I won't miss your texts because there won't have been any, at my behest.

Keep a healthy balance.

Texting is weird and shite, I don't remember hanging around waiting for my home phone to ring or my pager to beep back in the day I just got on with my life.

Adults should not be dating through texting, it shouldn't play any part until you are way into regular dating or a relationship where you might then need to get hold of each other.

Ok. I think it can be very easy to think there’s a connection, especially after a few drinks in one night, but men on the whole are looking for sex first, even the nice ones. You inviting him back he was definitely trying to have sex with you or it
gave him the green light, no matter what he said afterwards. Men will say anything if it gets what they want. He fed you the lines because he was maybe hoping for sex again and it was good you did follow up and he was honest because at least you know where you stand.

I used to be and still am a bit, not great at flirting, not letting men chase me etc. I now try to let men chase me. It’s also good to try to get to know them, doesn’t have to be friends but maybe more acquaintances. After that, the dating can progress as much as you want it to.

It would be great to work on your self esteem too as there’s nothing more alluring than a confident woman (I’ve been told this). I’ve had ONS, sometimes hoping they’d lead somewhere and was exactly like you, OP, then I decided not to have sex but invite guys back and not too much kissing etc. It floored men but they were so keen and I had relationships out of this, but I admit I had a few ONS and then ignored the men because I just wanted sex and the power!

Anyway, good luck and happy new year.

@Hearmeout All this! Texting is for purely functional information that might need to be referred to and would be written down during a voice call.

Aw this sucks I remember dating and it is hard the whole not knowing thing. I managed this by always having 3 guys on the go at once. Never once I was actually seeing anyone properly, just in the early stages. Like I’d be messaging one, arranging a date with another one, then seeing another one for a second date. Then you have lots of things going on and can’t obsess too much about just one guy. And u don’t feel as shit when one falls through or ignores u or is weird as they inevitably are sometimes! I didn’t usually kiss on the first date, possibly just a parting kiss on cheek or lips if it felt right.
when you find a nice one that feels right, it will feel natural and there won’t be as much angst over messages. Hope it goes ok! Xx

OP, don’t listen to the ‘you must have really low self esteem’ shit on here. I think you’ve actually shown you have pretty high standards.

You’ve learnt that your instinct is usually right, that you want some genuine interest from a date if you’re going to pursue it and you’ve been up front and honest about whether he wants to see you again.

I think that shows great boundaries.

The best first date I ever had (I’m still with him) texted me the second he left me and said how amazing I was and when could he see me again. He then left work early to meet me for coffee the next day ☺️.

That’s the kind of interest you’re looking for - and I think you know it. Stick to your instincts and don’t give up x

For everyone saying he just wanted a shag. It was OP that came onto him with the offer of Sex, he knocked OP back.

Sounds like OP was seeing a 'spark' that was never actually there

@Lonelyuser368 he says there wasn't a spark, and you are confused. Because I don't think he meant that. There was 'spark' enough for mucho snogging, and there would have been enough for the sex had you been willing. What he actually means is roughly he would have liked a shag, but isn't willing to pursue now you haven't put out. To put it crudely.

Take it from an old bird. I tried too hard when I was younger. I attracted, and married an abusive idiot who knew I would tolerate more shit than a woman with good self esteem would. Many years later, divorced, and round the block a few times, I am not needy, and wouldn't jump through the hoops I used to to to please/date a bloke. It's a pity I got fairly old before I realised I was worth so much be tter. I don't take any hassle from current Mr Sponge.

FWIW I met him OD. It is easier, for me, to see red flags before I actually meet them. Many of them weeded themselves out before we actually got to meet. I was in some kind of message contact with about 100 blokes before meeting one, due to weeding out, general fuckwittery etc. So I only met one. Reader, I married him! And I was quite old, and a bit fat. So there is plenty of hope! Don't be like Spongey, and put up with crap and have low self esteem whilst I/you are in your prime! Learn from Spongey! You don't have to put up with this! FWIW I had some therapy which helped my self-esteem, a lot of the problems came from a slightly weird childhood.

Learn from us older birds! We know a lot. Good luck!

@Lonelyuser368 - when you're a bit calmer, do read through this thread again and make notes of the 'hard to hear', aka tough advice.

As it is, you are leaving yourself open to be messed around by unscrupulous and unsuitable men.

Stop dating for a while and invest in therapy instead.

Read THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM and WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

And accept that catching a man is not the be all and end all of your life. Finding yourself should be your priority. It is perfectly possible to be fulfilled and happy on one's own! 💐

I agree with this, if anything I think OP shows a great depth of EQ.

Also, nobody else's experiences are relevant here, just yours.

I slept with tinder date DH on first date (not planned but we did) and been together ever since. Sex on a first date, or inviting someone back, or lack of sex, or the offer of it has no relevance. If you like each other equally it will take off, regardless.

He didn't feel the spark he wanted to feel going forward and that's fair enough.
I went on a dinner date with a guy who I was fairly sure fancied me all through the date. At the end I asked him if he wanted to see me again - he said he didn't think the spark was there though he'd had a great night. Ego bruised but messaged received and no angst from the minute forward.

Went on several other dates where they were beating down my door for the next date, we all win some lose some in dating.

Again, my best advice, take texting completely off the table. If nothing else it will blindside them and take the pressure off of the dreaded GOOD MORNING/GOOD NIGHT texts....arrrrgh

No, we had a fair few drinks but definitely not drunk. I’d say quite tipsy.

Op, I feel for you, OLD can be brutal. This isn't meant as a criticism but I do think you might be better off on keeping alcohol out of the first couple of dates.

There doesn’t need to be a spark for a man to kiss you or spend the night. Men generally do not have the emotional ties to sex that women have. You need to learn that physical intimacy is not an indication of how much a man likes you. I went through that in my early 20s but it’s a hard lesson to swallow. Don’t make yourself so available to men you barely know even if you think it feels right - take your time and build up some trust first.

"His behaviour", really? He hasn't done anything wrong ffs. How on earth have you dodged a bullet??

It's almost like you've put a spin on what happened which doesn't seem to reflect the facts as you've presented them here.

I think you've proved that you're not ready to be dating. Take a break from dating for a while and don't invite strangers back home, especially when you've had a drink. It's simply unwise.

Try reading The Complete Book of Rules. It’s very American, and so you will naturally ignore some of its guidance. But it will teach you how not to waste time on uninterested men, and how to play the game properly and get men to chase you. Something I used to be wholeheartedly against, but being in your situation 15 years ago I was willing to try things I hadn’t before as I wanted to settle down with a decent, nice bloke. I have now been happily married for 13 years! :)
it doesn’t explicitly cover online dating as it’s too old (or at least the edition was back in my day), but I don’t think it needs to. The principles therein can be applied in whatever situation.
i would be very surprised if you don’t positively change some dating habits as a result of reading it :)
xx

Even the thread title doesn't actually reflect what happened - you weren't being ghosted by him. It was a matter of hours!

Please don't. You lack confidence and self esteem but don't make the poor guy pay because of this

Hi OP
I just wanted to say that I was on OLD from late 20s to when I met DP at 34 and know how lonely and annoying it can be. I met loads of guys like you describe and was equally surprised as to why they’d be so attentive and mention future dates on our first date and spend so much time with me then not follow up. I concluded they were very skilled and experienced at dating. I think they do enjoy the dates even if they didn’t particularly fancy me as they enjoyed me fancying them and chatting to me and said all the right things in the hope of sex that night and then when it didn’t happen they moved on to someone they fancied more / the next one night stand. I’m not criticising anyone of either sex who has one night stands at all, just these blokes that pretend they are after a relationship when they don’t intend to call. You have to go through a lot of bad dates until you meet the one. Don’t give up and try hard not to let it knock your confidence. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are still really young and will meet the right person soon.

The guy already texted her to say there was no spark.

Again, my best advice, take texting completely off the table. If nothing else it will blindside them and take the pressure off of the dreaded GOOD MORNING/GOOD NIGHT texts....arrrrgh

Sorry but can someone please clarify - so if you’re dating, you should send each other good morning/good night texts?!? Scary stuff!

@Parroteets ghosting was absolutely going to happen if I didn’t ask him what he thought about a second date. He was pulling away and he probably hoped that I was going to just not respond to his one line texts.

@GreyGoose1980 thank you - it’s really reassuring reading of people’s similar experiences!

Yes I saw that after I posted

I do think it's best to sort out confidence and self esteem before launching yourself onto OLD

And I would suggest reining in expectations until after a good few more dates

Oh god no I wouldn't but lots of dating MNr's really put a lot of stress on receiving good night and good morning texts (or lack thereof) and to me that seems like opening up a portal of uneccessary stress and pressure.

Good luck OP.

maybe the onslaught of texts put him off i dont even text my dh that much

he might have just used the line i dont want to come back to confuse you though

A busy woman is attractive, mainly because you’re not available. A busy life also means your not around waiting.

wishing you luck OP. When I stopped caring about a boyfriend, I met my DH. It isn’t a coincidence.