Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

[Lonelyuser368]

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

I have to say @HundredMilesAnHour I thought your message, while seemingly brutal, was truthful and helpful, once the OP had licked her wounds.
Maybe the date would have ghosted her anyway, maybe he wouldn't. He wasn't really given a moment to think about it. He had to make a decision within 24 hours of being with her, and that would have put me off, as would have being texted twice on New Year's night, while out with friends.

Of course there is lots of back and forth with messaging before the date - the excitement is building. But after the event, the encounter needs space to breathe, and each person have time to miss each other.

I'm sorry OP, many PPs have been telling you this gently, but HundredMilesAnHour just told you in a more forthright manner. Your behaviour was/is self-sabotage. Have some sense of self-worth and remind yourself anyone is lucky to be with you, if they get the chance. Allow others to realise that themselves.

He was probably not the right person for you, but he was not really given a chance to consider it on his own terms. Even if there was a spark between you on the night, you may have extinguished it by needing a response from him so quickly. A quick response isn't going to give you anything except that dopamine fix that we expect from most aspects of our lives mediated through phones/social media etc. Give the other person time to miss you, to think about the fun they had, and how they might not get it again unless they contact you, rather than making yourself so emotionally available - that can be off-putting, at the beginning, as nobody wants someone to need them that much, rather than purely want them.

Take time out after every encounter, however good or bad it is, to remember yourself, take care of yourself, phone friends, family, go see a movie, whatever. Life by yourself can be so pleasurable - I know, as I am there myself, and it's taken me a while but I honestly enjoy my life alone now.

Also - there is nothing wrong with going back to yours and having some fun, if you are aware that is all it is, just fun, until you both know each other better. The same goes for him. He doesn't owe you anything regardless of what he said in a 'tipsy', sexy mood. It's all just being human, seeking pleasure and warmth. Enjoy the fact that you had a fun night with a bloke you fancied - not many of us have had that recently!

Then, in the words of Ariana Grande, Thank you, Next!

@Lonelyuser368 It's more the content of the message, asking him about a second date. Even when I am into someone and want to see them again I might not text to arrange for a few days if I'm busy (which he would be with NYE), and also I might want to see what I have coming up to be able to offer dates as to when we could meet up. I'd be put off by someone chasing me on such things - that's just me.

If your instincts are telling you he played you though (and I am a big believer in trusting instincts), then sod him. You had a lucky escape.

@OmegaAlpha he didn’t have to make a decision within 24 hours of seeing me fgs!!!
He apparently had already made his mind up anyway within 3 hours of meeting me that he wanted to see me again.

I mean after leaving your house on New Year's Eve, until the evening of New Year's Day. Maybe it was 24, maybe it was 48, it doesn't really matter. People say things in the moment, like, let's meet again, but after leaving, need time to process.

If they are having to process while out with others, having fun, then it might have a negative effect. If someone texted me 'hope you're having a good night', after the HNY text, if I was busy dancing the conga round the room, it would start to grate on me. I hate having to respond to unnecessary texts, even from men I previously fancied. Maybe it planted a seed in him, I don't know.

I'm trying to help, honestly.

I understand how you feel, and am advising, from experience (I'm 53!), of dating in the pre and post digital world.

Just give yourself, and others, space, and don't assume the worse, even if that is the eventual outcome. But it's up to you if you listen to this advice, from me and the majority on here. I think if you do, you'll have more fun dating, and will eventually meet the right person, and, dare I say, not sabotage it with your own anxiety around the situation.

He tried to line someone up for NY, had a nice evening with you but then one of the others he was also talking to came good on the night.

Or he had a nice time, intended to arrange another date after the holiday period and then received a number of messages within 24/36 hours while out with friends and thought “fuck this shit”. Especially if, when I responded, the response was deemed not to be engaging enough because I didn’t ask them questions - I’m on a night out, I don’t want an involved conversation with someone I’ve literally just met at the expense of spending time with the people I’m with.

It suggests to me that they need a higher level of contact and reassurance than I want to sustain, and would extinguish any spark that might have been there.

OP this is absolutely text book OLD player. The first time I dated someone I’d met online (many years ago) almost this exact same thing happened. His excuse when I finally caved after a few days of very little contact after the date was that I’d made him realise he still wasn’t over his ex. He was still showing as available on the dating site though so that was clearly a load of rubbish. It really did hurt me though, it was horrible. Subsequent dates I kept myself back until I was really sure, if they’re worth it and really like you they’ll preserve. I met my DH online, I didn’t even kiss him until date number 4!

Following from my post above, on reflection (I reflect on things a lot!) the men that do this kind of thing probably just aren’t interested in anything serious and were getting serious vibes from the other person so backed off. So don’t take it personally. I wonder if you hadn’t contacted him whether you’d have been completely ghosted (but you would have ghosted him too so touché) or whether he would have eventually got in touch again for a good time, if he didn’t have a better option. Either way not a nice person!

If I was him i would be running to the hills now. If he keeps seeing texts from you he will realise how clingy and possessive you could be in a relationship. Not good at all.

@Lonelyuser368 I would hide this thread now OP. It won't be helping you having to read any more of these comments.

@OmegaAlpha - I agree with you here. I’ve had men say to me, let’s meet asap etc for another date whilst on a date and then changed their mind (no chasing or loads of texts from me, or maybe there was?!). I’ve equally seen someone on a night out/date and decided either the next day when thinking about the date, or in light of texts received, that it probably won’t go well so best not to pursue things.

I personally think OP, and it’s really important for you to realise this, he said he’d have made up his mind about seeing you again 3 hours after spending time with you but then for whatever reason next day probably he thought better of it. Your constant texts probably panicked him. Or he met someone else, whatever…

As I stated earlier, when I was much younger and out (mostly clubbing lol!) I sometimes met men, went back to their place or they to mine and slept either on the sofa or clothed in bed with them. But I was quite male about the way I treated them, so quite black and white. Enough talk so we didn’t feel awkward but not endlessly chatting. When it came to if they wanted to see me again, I waited for them to ask for my number. Men love the chase, on the whole. And I can guarantee you, 9/10 times I got the guys chasing me back because they were intrigued, wanted to get to know me better. It was up to me if I decided I wanted a date or second, third date then on… and that’s what I did. Played it cool. One night, I went back to a guy’s flat with his best mate, we had drinks and played music then the friend left. We went to sleep (me fully clothed!) and next day I spent the entire day hearing and seeing about his South American travels. We kissed once or twice but definitely not all night, no way. He then gave me his number and we dated for ages afterwards.

Each to their own, but did you miss the bit where you make a second date there and then and then cancel if you want to later on?

Because yes, like you, the other person on the date would have the thinking space to reconsider too, but the texting ping pong after a date can put undue pressure on all of it and create a false reason to be (or not be) in constant contact.

This OP. You don’t need to work on yourself. You’ve just had a run of bad luck in the dating game that’s all. Your confidence has been dented but lots of us go through phases like this. You were right to query his silence the next day as your instincts were correct, he was sacking you off after making false comments the day before. Those saying you were needy because you expected him to text the next day are wrong. You were simply disappointed that his behaviour had changed and you knew he wasn’t going to call. Also I think if a guy is interested he tends to text the next day. Maybe take a few weeks off OLD to regroup and hang out with friends and family but there’s nothing massive you need to change.

You clearly have some self esteem issues, which you yourself have identified…. These issues make
you very vulnerable and an easy target!
’Some men’ will show a lot of interest, will come across very charming and say all the right things, like ‘oh I don’t want to come back if it will make you feel less respected etc…. People can pretend to be anyone on a first date or by text etc… I believe it’s known as catfishing when they’re pretending to be someone they’re not… I’ve learnt over the years that some men will do/say anything to get a shag! Don’t take his ‘no spark’ comment personally…. He came back to yours and also kissed you and text after…. So…. There either was a spark but he just wanted a shag or there wasn’t a spark and he’s a REALLY horrible person who would’ve shagged you and lead you on anyway!! Either way you’ve dodged a bullet and I’m so glad you never slept with him!
Generally I find holding back the physical side weeds out the genuine men from the ones who date/do & dump… By our age a nice bloke would be willing to wait if he liked you… I mean we’re not teenagers gagging for it anymore!!!
Maybe first dates should also be a date rather than a drink?? I also find removing alcohol from the date means you get to know who they are and if you’re sober 100% then you don’t make misjudgements like inviting them back to your house.
I find after a date a message like ‘Thanks for yesterday, it was lovely meeting you and I’d love to meet again somewhen but will leave it up to you…. Then don’t message again unless they say yes! If they say no, I delete and move on. I play it all quite casual but also aren’t scared to just say let me know if you fancy another date… no probs if not etc….. but I only send the one!

Anyway I also think maybe you need some time out with friends having fun and forget about men…. There’s nothing more attractive than a confident happy women…. In your current state of vulnerability i’d be worried you’ll attract the kinda men who ‘love bomb’ you and then turn out to be narcissistic abusers. (Speaking from a place of experience and concern)…. Having spent 5 years with an abuser … the first year of which was heavenly and I couldn’t believe my luck!! 20 years on I’m still nursing the emotional scars left by the other 4 years plus the stalking that following!
Happy New Year and please take care! Xx

P.S - I also had a lovely friend who at 30 thought sod it, I’m done with men.. she decided to look into becoming a single mum via sperm donor … 12 years on she’s still single but extremely happy being so and has a gorgeous son…. So don’t just write the rest of your life/motherhood etc off based on the success of finding a Prince amongst all the toads! Men definitely aren’t all that and aren’t worth basing your self worth on

No, OP said his manner had already completely changed by the next day, before she bombarded him with messages.

He just had a few options lined up, OP. Some you win, some you lose.

The only problem you’ve got that is that you’re over-analysing it and listening to people berate you on the internet.

You don’t need to ‘fix’ yourself and have therapy, just move on 🙄

No, OP said his manner had already completely changed by the next day, before she bombarded him with messages.

It was NYE/NYD though and most people would have been busy or drunk/hungover so would have texted much less.

I personally would have waited until after NYD to ask someone to make a decision.

I think OP was upset her NYE plans were cancelled and was way too full on with this guy, against everyone’s advice on here.

But as you say you win some, you lose some and you just need to see it as experience and move on.

I'd hardly call it 'bombarding him with messages'! She sent 3 messages, all of which he replied to. It's not that weird to text someone after a date where they've shown you interest or you perceived they have. I've never had a date where I didn't have a text conversation the next day, even the ones that never went anywhere!

Hundred miles- why the need to be so nasty. Nothing like kicking someone when they’re down.
I guess you’re obviously perfect! Like someone previously said, ‘just go away’

OP, I’ve been in your situation in the past. A lot of us have. Please do bash yourself. Have faith, 2023 is a new year.X

This piece in The Guardian spells out the dangers of "double texting".

trying again
That last link didn't work.

I've just come across this thread, and it resonated with me. I had a first date yesterday, a lunch. I thought it went well. I had a one hour drive home, and I texted when I got back, but then didn't talk to him later. Last night he texted asking if I didn't feel I clicked with him. That made me think it's maybe because I hadn't been messaging (had the kids then two work meetings), and I thought it was a bit quick for him to assume that, when actually I did like him. But now I'm thinking maybe he will want a lot of attention, and that his presumption is a bit off-putting. Definitely good to give people time. And I've learnt not to ask people at the end of the date if they want to meet again, as it puts them on the spot and they feel they have to say yes, so ask them on your next message.

@lilkitten yrs I had this exact thing happen, although she had txt me while I must have still been driving home from our date to ask this… too needy, or too low self esteem, either way, a red flag