Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

[Lonelyuser368]

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

This 100% - Not enough is understood about people who like time off their devices - I hate my phone, hate the pressure of having to reply straight away or people get paranoid, hate being glued to it. I never check it when out with friends, its rude for starters! Plus when it comes to romance, less is more, I don't want 20 texts a day, I want breathing space, to miss the person, to wonder what they're up to, than catch up in person.

@Lonelyuser368 maybe tomorrow? Or Tuesday? And just say “it was nice to meet you, I guess a second date isn’t on the cards but wish you all the best?”

I think it would be pretty harsh to mutually ghost each other (technically I would be doing it as he sent the last message)

defibitejy do not send this.
I had a date with a woman who I wasn’t completely site I fancied but I had decided I loved her smile and she was great to talk to so I would have a second date but then later that evening she sent almost exactly what you put and it just put me off totalky so I didn’t even reply

Aw @Lonelyuser368, you need to work on your self esteem my lovely.

I'm my experience men are pretty simple creatures (not in a derogatory way). If they're interested, you'll know. If you're questioning them, they're not. Have you seen the film He's just not that into you?

The man has already told OP he isn’t interested in a second date so the whole thing is done with now, no need to tell her to just wait or you personally wait 6 months to answer a message.

So he snogged your face and then felt there was “ no spark” ? 🤔 his loss Op, move on! Obviously thought he was in for a shag !

Plenty more fish in the sea and all that, just don’t wear your heart in your sleeve and all that, and don’t believe anything they say until you’ve seen them a few times

I'm currently pretty sure i'm being ghosted by someone I have been dating for a month and I'm not really sure why.

I thought we got along great and were having a good time but they have started taking a long time to reply to messages and are also have not really asked any questions the last few days.

It sucks and I'm feeling pretty down about it, so wanted to let you know you're not alone! I'm also fighting off the urge to send a text asking what I did wrong which I know isn't a good idea.

You’re in danger of coming across as a loon, OP

THREE days after a successful date would have to go by before I started even wondering whether that was that. Ans that’s when the day after the date isn’t New Year.

Calm down and act cool. If its meant to be and he said he’s he’ll be in touch, then he’ll be in touch, but don’t push it.

I had a man like this he kept blowing hot and cold on me until I lost interest. After a long period he called me but I was no longer available for him. I think he might have multiple women on the go, but you don't know that yet after 1 day it is just a vibe you feel.

OP, I mean this kindly, but please back off. It’s only been a day and you’ve already messaged him twice, including once asking him out again. In his shoes I’d be starting to get raised eyebrows. Put the phone down and go out and do something - a swim, a bit of shopping, candlemaking, anything to stop the overattention on this person. In this situation I’d not be expecting to talk for 3 or 4 days and then it would be to make another date, even if there were lots of messages before. You both need a bit of time to process the date. If he’s interested you will know, because he’ll treat you like he’s interested in you, but you don’t need to come in so hard and fast.

op calm down you had one date and it didnt work out
stop messaging him he is not interested and your just making yourself feel worse

the bottom line is if somebody wants to contact you they will,i use this all the time and it really helps and it's very true imo

Ahh, sorry. I didn’t realise there was a second page until too late. At least you got a nice snog out of it.

I feel for you OP but, and I mean this kindly, you need to wise up. I’m around your age so I know how much of a cesspit the dating pool is and rule number one is knowing that most men will say anything to get you into bed. That line about not wanting to ruin things was just to get you to let your guard down in the hope you’d sleep with him. Sex/sexual contact for most men (especially with someone they barely know) is purely physical.It would be lovely to think that kissing and holding hands were a sign that a guy is really into you but that’s just not the reality. Just because a man wants you does not mean he values or respects you. Being so invested in someone after ONE date is not healthy; you need to learn to practice discernment and be much less intense. Absolutely stop messaging him now - he doesn’t care, he’s moved on and you’ll never get the response you’re looking for.

Agree with others who mentioned therapy. From what you’ve said, I really don’t think you’re in a position to be dating. You need to invest in yourself and build up your self esteem so you stop looking for validation from men you barely know. Low self worth and OLD especially is a recipe for disaster.

Do not text him or contact him.
spoil yourself in any way (making time for yourself, long bath, manicure etc… watch/read anything you like - contact family and friends to take your mind off him - if he likes you he will contact you…
wishing you a lovely, happy new year xxx

Try not to take it personally, some guys are just like this and he's probably got his own issues. Judge someone by their actions, not words. He's not the guy for you (unless you're looking for someone insincere and flaky!).

If you're going to date you need to be able to emotionally protect yourself until you're sure a guy is genuine. To do this you need to work on your own sense of self-worth.

I advise not to date until you've got a bit more confidence in your own value and self-esteem. Maybe try to spend some time developing this (hobby you enjoy, more time with friends who love you, and/or watch Sex and the City boxsets!).

Hi
You sound like a lovely person and I relate so much to your story!
Although its 20 years since i was dating so very out of touch now.
But I just remember the couple years before i met my lovely husband as being the loneliest and most humiliating of my life, dating is so tough! And theres so many weird assholes out there. .
My husband admit s being an asshole to girls before he married cause he 'liked them too much" or "wasn't ready to settle down".😕
So hard on your confidence but hold your head high.

What is your relationship/dating history like?

I find it a bit concerning how you were trying to rush things.

You say you were both going away in January so you were trying to squeeze in dates before you go away but surely you’d want to take it slowly if you were both going away.

Unfortunately it’s very rare to have 1 date with someone and it be perfect.
You are probably going to meet many men and it not work out before meeting the right one (who may not even be off OLD).

Just take things slow and have fun along the way.

OP, I really feel for you. This could have been me 23 years ago. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you're being ghosted (wasn't even called that back then). But my advice to you is to start working on yourself before you think of dating anyone else. Get a hobby, get busy. Start loving yourself - it takes time but you have to start believing that you are worthy because you are. It's his loss that he didn't feel a spark (didn't stop him snogging you though!). I hope that you can begin to build your self esteem and self worth. Best of luck

To all those new commenting on the post, to summarise:

He text me last night saying no second date because there was no “spark”.
His texting habits completely changed pre and post date, and if he was interested in me as he was claiming to be, my gut was telling me that he had completely cooled off. I was right.
Not messaging him for a “few days” would have made no different I don’t think. I would have got the same response 4 days later but with more anxiety waiting for it.
Yes I know I need to work on many things, including not inviting men back to my flat, not believing everything a man says etc.
I texted him back when he rejected me - not because I was trying to change his mind but I guess seeking emotional validation and for him to say something that would make me feel better? Silly I know - I should have just left it. He did respond with a short message but anyway.

My relationship history:
Never had a long term boyfriend. Been single for many years. Recently have had a couple of ONS’ from nights out and dated a few guys but it has really never progressed. Not that experienced in the world of dating to be honest (as you can probably all tell).

Men aren’t all that.

I think you just need to get out there and enjoy yourself. Join as many classes/hobby type groups as you can- things you enjoy and hopefully you’ll meet like minded people and make some friends.

You need to love yourself first.

Gah, I feel your pain. I did some online dating and when you feel like you’re being ghosted you almost always are. I think I did it to some men as well- had fun and a laugh with them on the date but didn’t feel any attraction then they were completely baffled when the next day I built up the courage to let them down gently. However I didn’t spend all night snogging them or going back to their houses. Was he very drunk?

Oh OP! ❤️ Slow down!

Smartphones and messaging and constant availability have completely warped our ideas of healthy human interaction, and exacerbated every needy and entitled impulse we have.

Whatever happened to the natural rhythms of socialising, of meeting someone intriguing, smiling about it awhile, then slowly, tentatively getting in touch - or perhaps just waiting until we run into them again?

With my last great love, now dead, our early form of communication was exchanging paper notes via a communal message board, or telephoning a public payphone when we hoped the other might be there. Sometimes we'd leave offerings if we saw signs of the other - wild roses twined around my handlebars, some music tucked against his windshield. Dates were proposed at least a week in advance to allow time for notes back and forth. Some years ago, but still this century. Slow, steady, true. I wouldn't swap it for the world!

@Dramaalpacas that’s what baffles me the most! A lot of snogging and we spent the night together…. but no spark!! No, we had a fair few drinks but definitely not drunk. I’d say quite tipsy.

It's good he had the balls to text that to you. Now you know instead of being strung along.

He was after a one nighter. It never had a future.

That's very true. The person that ghosted me left me in a cafe and never texted me back ever again
Could have died.
I'll never know...