Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

[Lonelyuser368]

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

He just wanted a shag, and when he got invited back but didn’t get it, he lost interest.

You’ve not lost anything, who you thought he was was just a bullshit act to get into your home and knickers. Fuck him. Not literally.

It’s a brutal world but I hope you find someone decent and true soon @Lonelyuser368. There’s no shame in being ‘naive’ to the dating world. It’s a shitshow out there.

@Lonelyuser368 There is a high likelihood of him being married , or with a long term partner.

A person I know after a break up began dating...Met a man who said he was single, lived in Chelsea and was a lawyer.

Turns out he is married, more than two children, not a lawyer, not living in Chelsea.

There are some shockers out there.

I've never done online or any sort of dating, but it seems to be peopled by fantasists and married men.

In my own personal experience and those of friends, initiating and sending "thank you for .....!" or "HNY!" or "lovely evening!" messages never work, in fact they do the opposite of what you want. We think it sounds casual and easy-going but sends the opposite message to most men, especially the ones we like! It's only been a day, relax.

Do you think your comment is helpful to the OP? There really isn't a high likelihood of this at all. It's completely 50/50. They either are or they aren't. It's unfair to say that on the basis of this post and really not great to suggest it to an OP who is already clearly struggling.

You have no experience of online dating but still feel able to say most men using online dating are bullshitting or married? For every horror story anecdote about OLD there are several wonderful, lasting relationships. Like everything in life, you mostly only hear about the failures.

I bet he was keen but then met someone else on NYE and dropped you. Bastard.

@GinoVino 50/50...At those odds, you prove my point!
OLD is perfect for Marrieds and in stale relationships looking for a bit of excitement and a new 'Persona' outside the stable relationship.

Especially when one hits 30 plus.

At least be aware of the likelihood, it's a meat grinder.

I don't think you understand how 50/50 works if you think that proves your point. A high likelihood isn't a 50/50 chance.

I really wish people wouldn't make such ignorant comments about OLD when that have zero experience of it.

Oh I really feel for you. I’ve read all your posts but not the whole thread. You wear your heart on your sleeve and you are a sensitive soul. One day someone will love you for that. You remind me of a younger me. This happened to me twice. Both the night before NYE, two years running. Both times I was sure I’d met someone special who I really connected with and both times they kind of disappeared the next day. Utterly gutting and I couldn’t let it go. It felt more important than it really was.
I’m older now - late 50s and live with a lovely man who cares about me. It’s hard being young and single. Hold your head high and do things you enjoy. Be kind to yourself. ❤️💪❤️💪❤️

‘No spark’, from what I’ve heard, means he’s dating/shagging several people at once, is only really interested in sex, and/or already has a wife/long term partner. You need to bear in mind that dating is about getting to know who the other person really is, not trying to make them fill a gap in your life. You knew precisely zero about this guy.

This is really lovely.

@Hearmeout if second dates had to be arranged at end of first I would never go in second dates because yaht is unacceptable to me. I need to go home to my own space and think wether I want to see this person or not, so they need to txt me within the next day or two at ieast to arrange

I just wanted to offer some sympathy and reassurance. I had very similar experiences when dating...Utterly bewildering, isn't it?!

With the benefit of hindsight I think some men (and women)just want the adoration and will string you along to make themselves feel good. They'll say all the right things to provoke your interest, then not follow through. So frustrating for those who don't play games and take people at face value!

Moving on from here; try not to dwell, chalk it up to experience and try not to let the experience colour your next date. You are not needy or desperate, just a bit disillusioned he hasn't followed through.

Happy New Year OP, it will all be OK.

I know fire burns- Why would anyone want to have “ Experience “ of putting one’s hand in the flame?
There are plenty of people ( both male and female) who say it’s nothing but a meat grinder.
Sensitive people like OP will do much better meeting people’Naturally’, not at a meat market.

Other posters have said same thing .

” No spark “ - I have other fish to fry.

It’s not a place for sensitive people.

You need to chill and build yourself a life I'd run for the hills if I'd dated someone once and they were carrying on like this !

There really isn't a high likelihood of this at all. It's completely 50/50. They either are or they aren't

Very offtopic, I know, but that's not how probability works. Just because there are only two possibilities doesn't mean they are equally likely, so not 50/50. There's a chance there will be a major vulcanic eruption somewhere in the world today. Either there is or there isn't. Two possibilities. Doesn't mean it's 50/50.

In my experience OLD if full of not-single men testing the waters.

”Run away as fast as you can until you catch him.” It's old-fashioned but men do seem to prefer being the pursuer, certainly at the start.

I used to react exactly how you are OP and I really feel for you because it feels awful and can make you feel so rejected and upset.

I believe the reason he said these things was so that you would find him more attractive and like a decent man which would then get you to drop your guard. I believe his goal was to have sex with you and the fact he didn't get it, he's moved onto someone who will give it to him.

If that is the case, you don't want a man like that in your life.

I agree with other posters who said that you perhaps need to work on your self esteem first. The most awful of men can sense women with low self esteem and will prey on them for sex or just to be one of their 'options'. They wouldn't dare do this with a confident and self assured woman.

I would strongly advise to work on yourself, read lots of self help books and try and understand why you feel you need to cling onto a man in this way. You need to discover what drives your fear and how you can overcome it.

Only when I had recovered and built up my self esteem did I find my soul mate and we have now been married 8 years.

This.

Any guy who ‘likes the chase’ is unlikely to be a trustworthy long-term partner.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this happens just before NYE.

He tried to line someone up for NY, had a nice evening with you but then one of the others he was also talking to came good on the night.

Hence the sudden change in interest.

What you did was kissed him a lot and invited him back to yours… all the wrong signals right there!

also agree with other PP you need to get your self worth sorted before you can possibly find someone as a partner. Note the term partner, it should never be someone rescuing you, etc, you need to be in a good place to come together as equals.

what do did above shows your lack of self worth. Any man who is truly interested will work harder for it! Don’t expect them to do all the running and don’t play silly games, but don’t be making it as easy as you did on that first date… it just sends all the wrong signals!

Projection perhaps? He was telling you what was coming. If he’d have meant it, he’d have gone home and made sure to see you again.

Sorry this has happened OP. Maybe your new start should be self care and working on self esteem? We’ve all had times where it needs some work.

When that’s improved, the dating will naturally follow. Don’t use dating as a substitute for time on yourself (been there also!)

Happy 2023 💐

Hi @Bepis

I said I would stop commenting on this post last night, but I am still getting responses and yours one resonated with me!

That is exactly how I felt on Saturday afternoon when I realised he was majorly pulling away. Yes I know I am very naive, but I really thought he was interested and it does knock your confidence and kicks off the self-doubt train.

I am not sure he did just want to have sex, as I made it clear to him before we left to go back to mine that I wasn’t going to have this (neither of us had any condoms). He also seemed quite nervous at the beginning of the date and didn’t strike me as a man who slept around.

Anyway, there is zero point in over analysing it, but yes it was pretty 💩 at the time! Definitely time to work on my self-esteem.

Hey OP, I've commented before but wanted to add something as I can see you're confused about mixed signals. I've been out with some s**thead men who play games, if he's one of these then he's not worth your stress.

Alternatively, I wanted to say as a non game playing woman, I get put off immediately by someone who pushes me (and trying to pin me down to a second date on NYE when I am out with my mates might give me red flags due to past experiences). So it might be that he was genuine, than got freaked out, but rather than have a back and forth about why it was easier to say 'no spark'.

Yes I agree with this and had considered this too. Try to focus on other things for a while. You may hear from him again but don't think about that much, focus on yourself. It's so hard, most of us have been exactly where you are!

@Margerine78 I don’t think I was trying to pin down a date though on NYE. We hardly spoke at all, I replied to his message at 2pm, he replied to me at 10pm, I messaged him HNY after 12.

I really don’t think I was coming on strongly after the date. I was trying to match his energy.