Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

296 replies

Lonelyuser368 · 01/01/2023 00:44

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

OP posts:
nellyelloe · 02/01/2023 09:27

OP, please look at my post lower down and have a look at that psychologist I recommended who has a big online presence and I think will resonate with you

aureus3012 · 02/01/2023 09:30

FWIW I think the no spark line is a convenient excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if the real reason was more along the lines of 'I don't want a relationship or to date anyone but will say anything to try and get a shag'......but obviously he's not going to say that.

OP....in one of your earlier posts this morning, you said that a spark can grow. Yes that is true if you know someone through work for example where you have a chance to get to know someone, but with OLD, I do think there needs to be an immediate spark.

I think 99% of the time your gut feeling is right when it comes to the dating world. As others have said, maybe some therapy and time.out from dating would do you good. Please don't take this rejection personally....one person's opinion of you who you barely know is not a reflection on you. Also him not wanting a 2nd date says more about him than it does about you.

Thatdidnthappen · 02/01/2023 09:34

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 00:42

Thank you @WhatAmIDoingWrong123 and @SugarplumFairyyy for your kind words, they are really helping.

I do think he fed me bullshit. Don’t tell me you would love to see me again, and you won’t come back to mine if it would ruin your chance of seeing me again, and hold my hand in the Uber the whole way home, if there was no fucking “spark”.

I know some people think I am crazy but at the end of the day, I am just a human being with feelings who wants to meet someone who likes them back, and I don’t have tough skin (yet) for this online dating world.

I need to go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and think about how I can work on my self value and finding someone who actually wants to be with me. Night all 🥺

Some of them talk such utter shit. Who knows why they do it. It’s like a pretend play game for
the evening for them.

Next time, take everything with a pinch of salt.

Im sorry you met a twat.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Y7drama · 02/01/2023 09:39

I’m sorry he was such an arse. I think you were right to message, at least he’s shown you his true colours early. I hope 2023 is a great year for you, whether for dating or hobbies or friendships.

workiskillingme · 02/01/2023 09:47

One thing that jumps out at me was him saying about not wanting to come back to yours if it would spoil things. He was expecting a shag pure and simple and you probably bruised his ego by not giving him that. That's more than likely why there's no spark for him

However- and this is just some general advice if found the hard way. Men are hard wired to want to pursue a woman. And if a woman makes it too easy and seems too keen it's a literal red flag and turns them right off. You have to no matter how hard it is act very non plussed almost limit texts limit compliments etc etc and allow them to put the work in. Yes it sounds really sexist and old fashioned but that's how a man's mind works.

In this case you being over keen and scaring him off would be a good thing as he seems like he was a scrote who just wanted a shag !

Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 09:57

@workiskillingme that’s a very interesting point and I hadn’t thought about that. I genuinely thought he was a guy who wasn’t looking to shag on the first date / shag around… but I think I am super naive when it comes to dating (as it probably has clearly been demonstrated in my posts).

Yep I agree - gotta work on men chasing me and playing hard to get.

Sadly, I think in the past few months I have been viewing dates and sex as validation of some kind, which is obviously never going to work and most likely has had the complete opposite effect!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 09:58

@nellyelloe yes will check them out! Thank you for your really helpful advice too - much appreciated.

OP posts:
SuperHandss · 02/01/2023 10:07

OP, I really think you should spend time on yourself rather than dates.

OLD is brutal and you seem to be missing one crucial thing, you get to choose them too. You’re waiting around for a yes or no like it’s a job interview. It should be mutual and not just because they are male.

It’s likely this fella was after a ONS.

BratzB · 02/01/2023 10:14

I think it's better you have an answer now rather than being strung along as an FWB.

Many of us have been here, don't be disheartened. By the time you find someone you click with, you won't even remember this bloke's name.

BratzB · 02/01/2023 10:15

Also agree with @SuperHandss

prettyrainbows · 02/01/2023 10:50

I did online dating for a couple of years. God, it was draining and confidence knocking!! I was mentally exhausted and gave up completely. Then....a few weeks later, I was doing my food shop and got chatting to a guy in the aisle 🙈🤣 we are now married and been together 12 years. The old sayings are there for a reason. Take your foot off the pedal and let life unfold naturally xx

Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 11:06

I sent him a nice message back, saying that I appreciate the honesty, I thought we had a good time but fair enough and he seemed like a nice guy. He replied but didn’t say really say much. Why am I still looking for emotional validation and for him to tell me that he had an amazing time? Urgh I hate that I am like this. Time to properly delete and move on now.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 02/01/2023 11:14

Therapy @Lonelyuser368. Give yourself the gift of therapy.

CaitoftheCantii · 02/01/2023 11:22

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 11:06

I sent him a nice message back, saying that I appreciate the honesty, I thought we had a good time but fair enough and he seemed like a nice guy. He replied but didn’t say really say much. Why am I still looking for emotional validation and for him to tell me that he had an amazing time? Urgh I hate that I am like this. Time to properly delete and move on now.

Bless you - please, please, please stop messaging him. He is not going to change his mind, and you would be wrong to keep trying.

I honestly do understand where you are coming from, but continuing to message him comes across as begging - don’t do this to yourself as once you’ve started this pattern of response, it is hard to get your dignity and any remaining self worth back.

nellyelloe · 02/01/2023 11:24

LaLuz7 · 02/01/2023 11:14

Therapy @Lonelyuser368. Give yourself the gift of therapy.

Yes, this. It will change your life x

nellyelloe · 02/01/2023 11:24

But it needs to be actual therapy, not counselling.

heartbroken40 · 02/01/2023 12:51

OP, PLEASE delete his number and stop humiliating yourself. He's not interested, validation comes from inside. He must be thinking he dodged a bullet if you keep messaging. There's nothing more dignified than silence

MeinKraft · 02/01/2023 14:12

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 00:42

Thank you @WhatAmIDoingWrong123 and @SugarplumFairyyy for your kind words, they are really helping.

I do think he fed me bullshit. Don’t tell me you would love to see me again, and you won’t come back to mine if it would ruin your chance of seeing me again, and hold my hand in the Uber the whole way home, if there was no fucking “spark”.

I know some people think I am crazy but at the end of the day, I am just a human being with feelings who wants to meet someone who likes them back, and I don’t have tough skin (yet) for this online dating world.

I need to go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and think about how I can work on my self value and finding someone who actually wants to be with me. Night all 🥺

No one thinks you're crazy. We just think you don't know men very well yet. Some of them will say anything if they think it'll end in sex. Hope you find a good one soon.

SuperHandss · 02/01/2023 14:34

LaLuz7 · 02/01/2023 11:14

Therapy @Lonelyuser368. Give yourself the gift of therapy.

This 100%. See it as an investment in finding The One if it helps.

Find your value and you won’t need someone to fill a void. I’ve been there, did ‘the work’ and I’m with an incredible partner now.

Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 16:23

heartbroken40 · 02/01/2023 12:51

OP, PLEASE delete his number and stop humiliating yourself. He's not interested, validation comes from inside. He must be thinking he dodged a bullet if you keep messaging. There's nothing more dignified than silence

Please don’t say he “dodged a bullet”. I don’t think that’s very helpful! I am starting to think I did to be honest after his behaviour.

OP posts:
heartbroken40 · 02/01/2023 16:27

@Lonelyuser368 I am sorry but I said he will THINK not that you are. You are worth a million of him but if you message him when he's not interested he will think you're "crazy" (men are quite quick using this label for women). Imagine if the roles had reversed, would you want him to message you if you weren't interested?

Margerine78 · 02/01/2023 17:26

Late on this so confused by the timeline - so you either text him on New Years Day or today which is a Bank Holiday right? I suspect he's with family/friends enjoying last of the holidays.

I personally hate being text too much, you need to give him space to get back to you. If he doesn't sod him. Bit early to think you've been ghosted though. I take days to reply to anyone!

GUARDIAN1 · 02/01/2023 17:28

OP - you had one date? and would have been busy yourself on NYE (not with said date) if your plans hadn't fallen through? If this is the situation then I think you're coming on too strong. If I was your date I'd find being pursued off-putting. Leave it a few days and if you don't hear from your date, nothing wrong with getting in touch and suggesting another meet up.

workiskillingme · 02/01/2023 17:35

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 11:06

I sent him a nice message back, saying that I appreciate the honesty, I thought we had a good time but fair enough and he seemed like a nice guy. He replied but didn’t say really say much. Why am I still looking for emotional validation and for him to tell me that he had an amazing time? Urgh I hate that I am like this. Time to properly delete and move on now.

You messaged saying he seems like a nice guy? After leading you up the garden path and ghosting you when he didn't get to sleep with you? Why the hell would you do that?

workiskillingme · 02/01/2023 17:37

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 09:57

@workiskillingme that’s a very interesting point and I hadn’t thought about that. I genuinely thought he was a guy who wasn’t looking to shag on the first date / shag around… but I think I am super naive when it comes to dating (as it probably has clearly been demonstrated in my posts).

Yep I agree - gotta work on men chasing me and playing hard to get.

Sadly, I think in the past few months I have been viewing dates and sex as validation of some kind, which is obviously never going to work and most likely has had the complete opposite effect!

Dating is the worst thing for your self esteem. You judge your worth based on other peoples perception of you . It's taken as a personal slight if someone just doesn't click with you. It's emotionally trying for even the most self assured people. Seriously build yourself up before trying again and never ever listen to their words only their actions

Swipe left for the next trending thread