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Original poster

Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

296 replies

Lonelyuser368 · 01/01/2023 00:44

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

OP posts:
lucy6058 · 02/01/2023 20:39

I think it's important that when your going on dates to remember, it's not just that you weren't right for him, he wasn't right for you either
From reading your messages, you seem to need lots of reassurance and contact, there will absolutely be someone who can offer that to you, but there will be plenty that can't
I know in the past ive been on dates, and not really felt it. And havent messaged. I understand you might want people to give you really clear feedback, but sometimes it feels cruel to tell people you don't fancy them, especially if your not sure they are interested in you either.
I wish you lots of luck

aureus3012 · 02/01/2023 20:59

Hearmeout · 02/01/2023 20:13

Oh god no I wouldn't but lots of dating MNr's really put a lot of stress on receiving good night and good morning texts (or lack thereof) and to me that seems like opening up a portal of uneccessary stress and pressure.

Show quote history

Me and my boyfriend don't send good morning/night texts....don't really see the point & we have a great relationship. One of the things he said he liked about me in the early days was that I didn't need to be texting him all the time. Oh and I slept with him on the first night!

Tadpoll · 02/01/2023 21:08

I slept with tinder date DH on first date (not planned but we did) and been together ever since. Sex on a first date, or inviting someone back, or lack of sex, or the offer of it has no relevance. If you like each other equally it will take off, regardless.

100% this.

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Dating General relationships
ABBAsnumberonefan · 02/01/2023 21:18

OP in the nicest way possible I think the lack of spark came from how you acted after the date, not during it. You need to play the game a bit and act cool. The constant overthinking and texting is too much and would put most people off.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 02/01/2023 21:21

Hearmeout · 02/01/2023 19:24

I am now married (albeit met on Tinder 8 year ago so when it was in its relevant infancy).

But, if I were dating again in 2023, I would I think lay some ground rules.

Some initial texting - fine, call me too if you want to.
After our first date I'm not going to want you to text me. I'm an adult woman with shit to do. So please arrange second date at the end of first date.

If for any reason you can't make it, call me ahead of it to cancel, I won't be offended, nor overthink any texting or lack of in the interim because there won't have been any.

If you don't call (and I don't call you to cancel either) I'll get stood up. It's not life threatening and I'll get over it and move on.

I won't miss your texts because there won't have been any, at my behest.

Keep a healthy balance.

Texting is weird and shite, I don't remember hanging around waiting for my home phone to ring or my pager to beep back in the day I just got on with my life.

Adults should not be dating through texting, it shouldn't play any part until you are way into regular dating or a relationship where you might then need to get hold of each other.

What? Why is anyone hanging around waiting for a text 🙄 reply when you’re free. Organising a phone call at a mutually available time seems more like a business meeting. Send a voice note or something. OF you could accept communication and technology has moved on a bit and texting is the much more common method of communication now

Bleachmycloths · 02/01/2023 21:22

Big mistake to text even once. I might get flamedfor this but men like to do the chasing 😊. Just about ok to text Happy NY but a second text? No. Please don’t text again (I know how it is; I’ve been there). Meanwhile, keep busy and date other people. Good luck. 🌺

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 21:23

ABBAsnumberonefan · 02/01/2023 21:18

OP in the nicest way possible I think the lack of spark came from how you acted after the date, not during it. You need to play the game a bit and act cool. The constant overthinking and texting is too much and would put most people off.

Potentially could be that or could be OP did sense him pulling away and may have over reacted to that by seeking validation, which she admitted to. I used to be guilty of over texting before meeting DH too tbf.
But DH was just as keen with me and we both texted a lot. So she could also meet someone who shares her enthusiasm. It all depends on the person and situation.
Just don't put in all the effort is all I'd say x

Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 21:25

@ABBAsnumberonefan I disagree. He texted me first after leaving mine, so I naturally responded.. but then suddenly as the day went on he stopped messaging me and sent one liners. He had been pretty consistent with his messages the previous days, even during the Christmas period.
I messaged him HNY after a one line text from him.
I asked him about a second date on Sunday PM, he left mine on Saturday AM.

When he left mine I was 100% certain I would see him again (long kiss, “will do something next week”, so I don’t really know what happened between him leaving and 5 hours later.

OP posts:
Wooky073 · 02/01/2023 21:26

Take a step back mentally from the situation….. distract yourself with other things…hobbies, gym, friends, housework, self improvement or other dates…..anything which will keep you busy. If you haven’t heard from him in a week for another date then he isn’t interested. Dont chase him. Mirror the length / tone of any messages.

Look into the elastic band theory …. If you don’t pull away a little there will be no tension built to draw him back to you.

Good luck x

Helpyou · 02/01/2023 21:30

Hi op, I haven't read the full thread but have read most of your updates and posts and just wanted to offer some advice that may (or may not!) be helpful.
I was single a long time, everyone used to say they didn't know why as I'm nice etc... you know the drill. I am a confident person and had plenty of experience with guys when it came to flings / ONS's as I went to uni so had plenty of opportunity. Then life just kind of kept happening and I had no relationship experience. I was getting older and I can hand on heart tell you I thought I'd be single forever. I'd slept with a fair few men but mostly ONS's so felt unexperienced so went on many dates but freaked out after two dates that I'd be too unexperienced. Anyway. Last year that changed and I met someone really lovely and I couldn't he happier. It's still early days but I feel so happy and comfortable with him. One thing I will say: never be afraid to be direct and ask questions. I hate hate hate the dating game playing. I'd rather know if they are interested than play games. So after our first date I asked him when I got home if he wanted to meet up again. I didn't want to wait around not knowing. I would rather not waste energy on a guy who isn't interested and feel the 'slightly awkward' asking and waiting to find out is better overall than days of waiting around. Be confident in yourself. I don't believe I the whole waiting for the guy to do the chasing. If you think there's a chance with someone, ask. They'll love it too. Good luck!!

RobbinBanksy · 02/01/2023 21:32

I don’t know why you think spark builds over time. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Why would he waste time going on more dates with you if he’s not interested? That would be a million times worse for you. There’s also nothing wrong with spending an evening tipsily snogging to see if there is a spark. There wasn’t, for him. He’s done nothing wrong

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 21:33

Pp is right that when you meet the right person you can be direct. With DH we were both keen and didn't put each other off.

Bleachmycloths · 02/01/2023 21:33

My second post. I have just read all OPs posts. I agree with the people on here who think you came across as clingy or desperate. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don’t mean you ARE desperate it but you might seem like it with your texting. I’m sorry you suffered. Getting a text saying there was no spark must have hurt. With the next man you date please don’t text unless he does! 🌺

Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 21:35

@RobbinBanksy I wouldn’t say to someone on a date though “I really would love to see you again”, if I knew that was complete BS.
as others have said, he probably just wanted to sleep with me.

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 21:35

RobbinBanksy · 02/01/2023 21:32

I don’t know why you think spark builds over time. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Why would he waste time going on more dates with you if he’s not interested? That would be a million times worse for you. There’s also nothing wrong with spending an evening tipsily snogging to see if there is a spark. There wasn’t, for him. He’s done nothing wrong

TBF I think it depends. A spark can build over time. You can be friends first and not quite see each other in that way and it happens over time. Not for every situation and probably not in this one but it can happen over time.

Stravaig · 02/01/2023 21:36

I don’t really know what happened between him leaving and 5 hours later

All the rest of his life happened! In which you don't feature, at all. Whereas you have been thinking and feeling and getting in a state about him pretty much non-stop since your date. That's more than a bit worrying.

No more men! The new relationship you need, which will change your life, is with an experienced and accredited therapist.

RobbinBanksy · 02/01/2023 21:38

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 21:35

@RobbinBanksy I wouldn’t say to someone on a date though “I really would love to see you again”, if I knew that was complete BS.
as others have said, he probably just wanted to sleep with me.

or maybe he didn’t want the awkwardness off hurting your feelings in person and making you feel embarrassed so he told you straight via text. Again, he’s done nothing wrong

Original poster
Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 21:39

Final message from me.

This post has attracted way way way more attention than I thought it would ever do!
I am tired and drained of explaining myself and the situation, and I don’t want to be called desperate or clingy or needy anymore.

Thank you so much to all those who have commented with really helpful advice. When I have a chance over the next few days I am going to go through it again and write down the best advice.

I am going to work on myself and hopefully I will find a nice man who wants to be with me one day 🙂

OP posts:
Darlingx · 02/01/2023 21:40

Tamarindtree · Yesterday 13:06
When I started dating there was no internet or mobile phones.

You went on a date and agreed to meet next week at certain time and place or he pick you up! There would be no phoning in between.

Once in a relationship if either of you had to go away you kept in touch by writing letters and a weekly phone call!

There was no drama or worrying.

The op sounds clingy and anxious because now we have the technology to constantly stay in touch and when someone doesn’t keep instantly responding it’s easy to get worked up and think they don’t care.

He may well have cooled off but equally he may just be busy or feels confident that he doesn’t need to keep texting or chatting before arranging to see you again.

I remember a housemate and myself staying in on a Friday night waiting for the phone to ring so tragic and plenty of drama I am afraid so don’t believe its stalking on mobile phones although its not helping at least u can go out 😂
Got to be honest having now been settled in a 10 yr relationship I don’t miss OLD .
I got battle fatigue by the time I met my partner . I just wasn’t invested anymore as it was such a game of cat and mouse.
I just decided what my top priority in a man was and the ability to communicate was right up there. It’s amazing how inept all these men were at communication yet successful in business, friendships etc.
If I could decide to let someone know instantly so that I am not in their thoughts a moment more than necessary based on my own experience as another said they must be stringing along for some thrills so they must jump through hoops to earn that place of intimacy.
U know when you have met the right guy because they behave in a straight forward way and will reply with the enthusiasm you are hoping for it really is as simple as that so trust your instincts x

Hearmeout · 02/01/2023 21:42

aureus3012 · 02/01/2023 20:59

Me and my boyfriend don't send good morning/night texts....don't really see the point & we have a great relationship. One of the things he said he liked about me in the early days was that I didn't need to be texting him all the time. Oh and I slept with him on the first night!

Show quote history

Ditto to both (well married to mine now) , that was kind of my point , I think you missed my first post :)

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 21:43

Lonelyuser368 · 01/01/2023 09:20

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor I know I need to chill! We’re just both away in January so it could be ages until a second date if it’s not arranged soon.

But it doesn’t matter. I just will date other people!

I think I am just a bit lonely!

You know what hun, you don't have to explain yourself anymore. X

nellyelloe · 02/01/2023 21:47

Lonelyuser368 · 02/01/2023 21:39

Final message from me.

This post has attracted way way way more attention than I thought it would ever do!
I am tired and drained of explaining myself and the situation, and I don’t want to be called desperate or clingy or needy anymore.

Thank you so much to all those who have commented with really helpful advice. When I have a chance over the next few days I am going to go through it again and write down the best advice.

I am going to work on myself and hopefully I will find a nice man who wants to be with me one day 🙂

People can be so so cruel on here. Good luck OP. You can do it! Xx

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 21:48

nellyelloe · 02/01/2023 21:47

People can be so so cruel on here. Good luck OP. You can do it! Xx

Show quote history

My sentiments exactly! 🙏 x

elenacampana · 02/01/2023 21:56

Make 2023 all about you OP, I wish you all the best ❤️ @Lonelyuser368

Ineedtosleep79 · 02/01/2023 22:02

You need more confidence. Seriously. DO work on this this year. x