Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

[Lonelyuser368]

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

I'll go against the grain and say you re right, if he had a great time with lots of snogging, he'd be looking to go further if he wanted too

OR he is just like you, thought your HNY msg was to the point, lacked interest and he is now on dadsnet moaning about how this hot woman he met last night isn't interested anymore.........

I'd leave it for a day or two, if you still haven't heard, msg him but after that, move on.

Fair enough, I know a lot of people say that, my friends always said it to me too. But for me it didn't work. I was a but like you in terms of not the vest self esteem or confidence. Pinning all that on the man in terms of waiting for them to message, or ask me out, put me in a vulnerable position and left me so deflated when it just didn't happen. Hence I took back the control rather than always giving them the control. And it meant I didn't spend days wondering if they were going to ask, or message, which had a knock on effect again on my self esteem.

FWIW, I asked out my husband (met online). We have been together 6 years now.

I agree with you op. It sounds like he’s backed off for whatever reason. Don’t analyse it too much but I would leave it there if I were you.

Not to mention inviting him back to your place after first date! I despair. And OP seems v desperate so I think some of PP's advice upthread about not dating for a while and dealing with self esteem issues is perfect.

It sounds so exhausting for you.

I do think it's a good idea to listen to your instincts

In your shoes I would probably park him for now

He might have been at a party last night and wanted to see what (who) was out there so he was hedging his bets; he might not be a texter and this is how it will always be if you end up with him. None of us can tell.

Whatever the answer I really think you need to work on liking yourself more and being more positive about yourself. FWIW I agree with the pp who talked about matching commitment.

When I started dating there was no internet or mobile phones.

You went on a date and agreed to meet next week at certain time and place or he pick you up! There would be no phoning in between.

Once in a relationship if either of you had to go away you kept in touch by writing letters and a weekly phone call!

There was no drama or worrying.

The op sounds clingy and anxious because now we have the technology to constantly stay in touch and when someone doesn’t keep instantly responding it’s easy to get worked up and think they don’t care.

He may well have cooled off but equally he may just be busy or feels confident that he doesn’t need to keep texting or chatting before arranging to see you again.

I disagree with the posters saying that you are being clingy etc.

Follow your instincts. In my experience when a man is truly interested he doesn't play it cool and you are not left guessing.

Woah... just slooow down OP. I'm sorry that you feel lonely and that you lack self worth. But if you know this about yourself why do you put yourself in a position that will make you feel worse?

You know yourself... you know you'll feel awful if your date doesn't text you throughout the day... so why invite someone back to your house for 'plenty of kissing' when you don't know them?

You've had ONE date. You're trying to run before you can walk. Get to know your date really well before there's 'plenty of kissing'. You might realise that you don't even like him very much and don't want there to be 'plenty of kissing'. You might find he's a really great person and he thinks you are too... but he hates texting...but it doesn't matter because you know where you stand in the relationship.

Please put your phone down. Stop basing your self worth on whether a random man has texted you in the last hour or not. Start valuing yourself and get to know someone before you invite them into your home. You're lucky the evening didn't end in a far worse way than not getting a follow up text.

Take care OP

Hey OP, listen everything is going to be okay! 2023 might be your best year yet - who knows! I wholeheartedly agree with PP that it sounds as though you need to work on your own self esteem before trying to engage in a relationship. Is counselling an option for you? I think it’s best to avoid dating for a little while but especially first dates with ‘lots of kissing’ and inviting strange men back to your house. That’s not good! You’re never going to find the right guy that way

Hey OP,
I totally and utterly understand how you feel. This was how I felt when I used to date 15 years ago. I had a really difficult childhood where love was very conditional and I spent all my childhood keeping my mum happy to avoid rejection. I always assumed everything was me, my fault and it was something I was lacking when men weren't interested. I would always jump in too soon, offer them sex and the whole world in a desperate attempt to keep men happy too. I was obsessed with my phone, obsessed with their replies and I was hyper sensitive to their tone in their texts, their facial expressions and the way they spoke. It's called hyper vigilance and it's exhausting. Does that sound familiar at all? Have a look at 'the holistic psychologist' on Instagram and Twitter as her posts helped me alot.

Anyway, I'm happily married to the most kindhearted man ever now. I was lucky as I didn't heal myself before meeting him, but he's the kind of man who wouldn't ever take advantage of my vulnerability thank god. I've had several years of therapy now, understanding my childhood and why I was like this and it's helped so so much. I still have feelings (I feel this fear of rejection in all areas of my life, not just romantically).

I hope you're ok, and heal a bit. Please look at that psychologist x

if you want a decent man make him chase you. Don’t invite him back to yours on a first date as to me I would take that a sign you wanted sex only and I’m not surprised he backed off as I would too. Go out for decent dates before going to each other’s. You don’t need to sleep with someone on a first date . If you are lonely and want one thing that’s fine but if you want a genuine relationship you need to build it up first.

You’ve had some really good advice here OP about working on your own self esteem and putting dating on the back burner for a while. You remind me of how I was before I worked on myself before I met my husband. I would always jump in too fast and allow too much intimacy from the beginning, it just made things awkward and it didn’t show me for who I am. Even if it ‘feels right’, never have a man back to your place on the first date - you don’t know him, he could be anyone and it’s also just rushing it. I think it fractures a new relationship before it’s begun and so is best avoided. If it’s meant to be, then it will be.

After I’d taken a break from dating and done some intense therapy, I had a date a couple of years ago. I avoided a first kiss when he went in for one and he didn’t know what to make of it, but he kept his calm and let me take it slow. I’d have run a mile if he’d pressured me. We’ve been married 5 years.

@nellyelloe
@elenacampana
@User839516
@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

and everybody else….

Thanks for your advice - much appreciated and has given me lots of food for thought…

I know that him coming back to mine was maybe a step too far, but he even said to me on the date something like “I don’t want to come back to yours if it would mean I wouldn’t see you again” (I’d had a few drinks by then so can’t remember exactly what he said). I said it was all fine.

And now - absolutely zero interest. I guess I am really struggling to understand why somebody would say all of that stuff to not follow through with a second date. And yes, sadly I am basing my happiness and self worth on a man I don’t know asking me out on a second date / getting my hopes up / my expectations.

He replied to my message (which was one line) with a one liner - again no questions, no interest, no follow up.

😔

Should I give it one more shot? Or just leave it…..

good grief, are you really in a good place to be dating if you’re getting so wound up and offended by this?

Leave it. If he not giving a reason to respond, don’t. Is there anything you could be doing that would make you feel positive today?

good grief, are you really in a good place to be dating if you’re getting so wound up and offended by this?

This is unnecessary. Anyone would feel upset at rejection🙄

@Lonelyuser368 Agree with others who say to forget about this one. Maybe turn off notifications so you're not tempted to check. I'd just go on other dates if it were me, or do something fun/hobby to distract. Dating (ezpecially online) is ruthless but don't take it personally. He clearly had fun with you.

I am tempted to do what a poster suggested on here and just ask him straight up. Then at least I know rather than just slowly being ghosted….

Just leave it. I think you know heart in heart that he’s backed off. You can tell a lot from peoples texts and calls etc and the tone of them etc. Your gut instinct is saying he’s backed off and he most likely has sorry.

NO do not OP. Please stop. Put the phone down. If there's a chance of anything happening with this guy texting him again to ask where you stand at this stage will kill it stone dead.

He won't be honest. He'll take your eagerness as a sign that you're an easy conquest. He'll sleep with you and then disappear.

You're not ready for OLD, it's brutal. They'll chew you up and spit you out.

@MeinKraft maybe tomorrow? Or Tuesday? And just say “it was nice to meet you, I guess a second date isn’t on the cards but wish you all the best?”

I think it would be pretty harsh to mutually ghost each other (technically I would be doing it as he sent the last message).

God I am sorry for how silly I must sound 😞

@Lonelyuser368 you don't sound silly at all!

I dipped my toe in the OLD world a few weeks ago and after having one guy blow hot and cold over text I decided that I wasn't ready to date! But I was feeling just how you are right now.

Don't message him again, if he wants to get in contact he knows where you are. The best chance of getting any kind of spark back with him will be him wanting to message you and making the effort to do so.

Equally, if you're feeling like this so early on, maybe it's a sign he's not the guy for you. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone who is attentive and interested in you.

i wouldn’t text him as I agree that he is ghosting you but it sounds like you won’t rest until you know for sure if he wants to see you again or not. In which case ask him and he can put you out of your misery.

Interesting the point raised in this thread about "in my day there were no mobiles so we dated and didn't speak in between!"

I think anyone dating in todays world (including me in my 30's) can't even imagine that!

I think todays dating scene it does add another layer of rejection because by meeting someone online we already know they are capable of using their phone and access wifi... so if there's no contact it's a choice because sending off a quick text literally takes seconds!!

The added issue is that there is so much choice that people are literally spoilt! You can arrange a date online as quick as ordering a pizza. I think for men (and some women!) this can lead to people keeping their options open...