Just spent NYE home alone and I think I am getting ghosted…

[Lonelyuser368]

My NYE plans fell through, so I’ve just been home alone tonight.

I went on a date last night and I thought it went really well. He said he wanted to see me again and was really keen, and we even talked about when we would next meet up. We kissed lots.

Today: I have heard barely anything from him. I’ve just texted him HNY, and he replied straight away, but no questions etc. I then said I hope he had a good night. I know that he has been busy today, but I don’t know, I really thought we got on and he liked me and he would make a bit more effort today…

Maybe I am just overthinking this, and he’s busy and tired.

Should I bring up a second date? Or just leave it now and see what he says / replies to my message with?

I am probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am so fed up of being rejected after first dates that you think go well. Probably doesn’t help either that I’ve just spent NYE completely alone.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2023 is a good one for you.

Outrageous of him, eh? How very dare he not respond to the OP with more than a one liner on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. It's almost as if he might have been spending time with close friends and/or family rather than glued to his phone messaging someone he's met once.

I think he's dodged a bullet. I felt sorry for the OP at the start but her posts became increasingly unhinged yet lack any awareness that she's been completely unrealistic.

The OP does know she had work to do on herself and this has been a very supportive thread with other posters gently and kindly talking with someone who is having a rough start to the new year. You don’t need to turn up here and start attacking someone when she’s already down so just go away.

What pp said.

Someone's hurting.

@HundredMilesAnHour Jesus 😳

It's probably draining because you're judging yourself based on what you think a random man thinks about you. And stressing yourself out about having had 3 first dates. I went on probably close to 30 first dates before I met DP. And that was after a year of no dating to make sure I was happy with myself.

Take a step back here OP: what is so great about this guy? Was he actually really funny, charming, thoughtful? Do you think he could be "the One' Or did he make you feel good about yourself for a few hours after a few drinks? It sounds harsh, but that's not particularly special, especially if you feel lonely, and feelings of loneliness can be amplified around this time of year. Especially if you're panicking about being single at 30.

It sounds like you really really want a relationship, which is what most people want. But it also sounds like you are going into it with a mindset of "I'll never find someone who likes me", rather than "I hope I find someone who I really like". And that is dangerous. Just spend a bit of time scrolling around on the relationship boards here, and you will see there are lots of women in really unhappy relationships, who probably ignored a lot of red flags because they wanted a relationship. It is better to be single and happy, than in a relationship with the wrong person and be really miserable.

I'm rambling, but mindset in dating is important I think. My advice for future dates would be:

Do not spend longer than a week chatting to someone before meeting them in real life, anyone can pretend to be anyone over texts.

First date is always a day time one, coffee or a walk.

Make plans for immediately after the date so it is capped at 2 - 3 hours max. It also helps you to stop overthinking it.

NO alcohol on first date: you need to get a feel for how the other person comes across without booze, and you can end up with beer googles.

Don't sleep with them or invite them back to yours before at least 5 dates.

Hope you feel better in the morning OP.

👏🏻 100%

@WhatLikeItsHard thank you. Some really solid advice here. He came across as kind, made me laugh and really genuinely seemed to be into me. He was also quite gentlemanly too, which is why him backing off has just thrown me (a lot)…

But yes, I need to set myself some rules and boundaries when dating.

I really do feel for you and some people have been a bit harsh. You've been so open and honest and you remind me of myself before I met hubby.
All I can say is, neediness and insecurity is a way to put people off. Men also tend to feel easily trapped if they feel they aren't able to take things at their pace. This man sounds nice enough but I'm sure you have a lot of wonderful traits and things to offer.
You should never feel you are having to chase someone for their time or affection.
People saying he's probably busy etc but in my experience if you sense a shift then you shouldn't completely dismiss it. He could be backing away ...having said that- you've done enough to show your interested so leave the next move to him.

Hey all. It’s a no. Apparently no spark….

Which is obviously completely fine - and at least I know - but these things do knock my confidence and I feel pretty shitty and sad now (not about him of course, just my general situation I think)….

I knew my gut instinct was right. 😔

These things do knock confidence. I think that’s why it’s important to take breaks from dating so confidence can be built back up. The self worth thing is so important and understanding that what you want from them is just as important as what they want from you.

I’d ensure I have plenty outside of dating going on in my life at this point and really wouldn’t have anyone in my private space until he’s worked for it. I’m glad you know now and you can move on.

You’re just one closer to the right one who you’ve still yet to meet.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason.

If there was no spark then he fed you some bullshit lines probably to try and "bed" you. So probably just as well it didn't go that far.

Take it as a lesson not to believe the lines men feed you. Sometimes it is just bullshit. Let their actions over time show you. You haven't done anything wrong btw. Sounds like he thought there was no spark and you had an instinct about it x

Thank you @WhatAmIDoingWrong123 and @SugarplumFairyyy for your kind words, they are really helping.

I do think he fed me bullshit. Don’t tell me you would love to see me again, and you won’t come back to mine if it would ruin your chance of seeing me again, and hold my hand in the Uber the whole way home, if there was no fucking “spark”.

I know some people think I am crazy but at the end of the day, I am just a human being with feelings who wants to meet someone who likes them back, and I don’t have tough skin (yet) for this online dating world.

I need to go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and think about how I can work on my self value and finding someone who actually wants to be with me. Night all 🥺

Don't give up! You have done nothing wrong and your person is out there. They will love you for you. Xx

I’m glad to have helped, believe me, I’ve been there. I learned to take what men said to me with a pinch of salt and also to take it slower. This man should have said no to coming back to your place when he knew he wasn’t going to pursue it, the fact he came back anyway shows his calibre and that he probably isn’t very decent.

Night night x

@Lonelyuser368 don't be too hard on yourself. Take it from someone long in the tooth with dating, these experiences make you stronger. You begin to notice players. I've been with dh 14 years now but dated a lot before him. It's a mad world.
You sound lovely and you will find a decent fella. Date lots! They do.

I’m glad you’ve found your anger op.
he was a player and you’ve been played.
please learn from this and put it down to experience.
it really is his loss.
years ago me and my best pal were chatted up by 2 mates.
best friend was taken in but I ditched mine as soon as possible (and found someone nicer)
anyway the next day best friend had arranged to meet this man at the pub where he drank.
I went with her for support and was going to disappear when new man arrived.
so we sat there.
no show.
eventually, after about half an hour we spotted him - sat at the bar with his mates - looking a bit sheepish, but none the less ignoring my friend…. Been there all along.
we left - my friend totally red faced.
these men do display a lack of emotional intelligence and after a wild you can recognise it and smell it a mile off.
but in the mean time just take things a bit slower. There has been some excellent advice here.
And in your heart you know this.

I’m glad you’ve found your anger op.
he was a player and you’ve been played.
please learn from this and put it down to experience.
it really is his loss.
years ago me and my best pal were chatted up by 2 mates.
best friend was taken in but I ditched mine as soon as possible (and found someone nicer)
anyway the next day best friend had arranged to meet this man at the pub where he drank.
I went with her for support and was going to disappear when new man arrived.
so we sat there.
no show.
eventually, after about half an hour we spotted him - sat at the bar with his mates - looking a bit sheepish, but none the less ignoring my friend…. Been there all along.
we left - my friend totally red faced.
these men do display a lack of emotional intelligence and after a wild you can recognise it and smell it a mile off.
but in the mean time just take things a bit slower. There has been some excellent advice here.
And in your heart you know this.

@Robin233
Yes there has been some excellent, wise, kind advice, with stories shared too, from complete strangers who have really helped me today when I have been struggling.

Too many usernames to tag - maybe I’ll go back and tag once I get a chance - but thank you again. It’s so reassuring to hear similar stories and to know that there isn’t anything “wrong” with me or how I perceived the date.

Definitely an experience to learn and grow from.

He may just be a nice bloke who wasn't sure how he felt till he had time to reflect on it after.

Have you ever thought of therapy perhaps with an attachment style focus?

www.attachmentquiz.com/quiz.html

You seem very anxiously attached and this is often linked to low self worth and issues from childhood attachments to caregivers. Please feel free to ignore/discount this observation.

@longcoffeebreak I have thought this and definitely something to explore further, yes.

For anyone who may have been following this point since NYE and see me get myself into a bit of an anxious mess… it’s a no for a second date as apparently we had no “spark” (even though I am pretty sure a spark can build up as you continue to date - surely that’s the whole point of dating isn’t it?!)

From this I’ve learnt to trust your gut instinct and don’t trust strange men who perhaps will tell you what you want to hear!

Hope today is a better day.

The positive to take from this is that you know you can trust your gut

Also, perhaps take the opportunity to "work on yourself" (nobby saying but ykwim) and use this experience as the catalyst for that

Don't give up. There are so many time wasters on there but there are some good ones too and even with the time watsters you learn a lesson. My advice is first date should be a coffee or something that lasts no longer than 90 minutes. Fit it into your day. Don't give up a decent night (Friday or Saturday night or any time at the weekend) for a first date. Just slot it in. The. The second date can be on a better night/during more precious time if you know what I mean. Also, don't get them back to yours until at least a few dates in. No shagging.

Look up Matthew Hussey (good podcast) for
Tips on raising your self worth and eating advice.

Remember - you are the prize! You are a high value woman. Don't settle.

At least you now know and can move on to finding yourself OP. You need to seek out some therapy for yourself before embarking on any kind of relationship though.

Take it as a good thing that he has told you he feels there is no spark and didn't just ghost you entirely. He owed you an explanation and he's given one. I always think dates around Christmas/new year usually end up this way anyway. Most people really aren't into it this time of year from my own experience with online dating. Onwards and upwards for 2023!

This has happened to me so many times in my dating years. You would have a brilliant night then be left wondering where you went wrong. Trust your instincts next time. You’re still young. Watch that movie “he’s just not that into you”. It’s old and dated now but does make me laugh as I seen myself in some of the characters years ago x