DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

[mourndayclub]

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

Hi OP. What a shit situation.

Your opening line was 'thought we could make it through the holidays. . .' which implies you already felt uneasy about something going wrong. You also recently posted that its 'the first year he's had everything he wanted on Christmas. . .' which implies he's been vocal in the past about things not being just as he wanted.

These statements both make me feel that you already know how impossible this man is to please. He sounds like the kind of person that will find something wrong with the tiniest thing in order to exert his temper on other people.

He sounds nasty and tedious.
I hope 2023 gives you freedom and peace from this merry go round.

Doesn’t sound like a rare occurrence when the df and mil can’t stand up to him, I’m assuming due to fear. You don’t just become fearful of someone due to a rare event, it’s a pattern of behaviour and people learn how to keep their head down to not make things ‘worse’. Op herself has thought about leaving but can’t due to finances, why would anyone consider this over a one off event or something so rare that it’s considered out of character. Surely you would ask the partner what their problem is if it’s a rare thing not hide in another room all day not daring to say anything to them. We all have different thresholds but it seems op has reached it already but doesn’t feel she can leave.

Good you still have family there with you and hope you get a chance to talk to them about it when the children are in bed. Agree with you it is very scary and frightening when someone completely loses it and starts shouting at the top of their voice in an aggressive manner. Has he ever taken cocaine at all, would you know.. Hope you are ok.

no professional should be recommending counselling with an abuser.

Of course divorcing an abusive partner is not the only option. It is the only sensible option though.

you should not be offering advice. It is dangerous.

If your family is still with you, could you ask them to take the children out for a walk or some activity so you can speak to your DH and find out what’s going on.

Communicating by text isn’t enough, you need to speak face-to-face. If everything has gone well recently and he’s had the Christmas he’s always wanted ( own house, family, parties, etc.) then something’s eating away at him and you need to talk about it. Whatever it is, treating you and the family with such disrespect isn’t on, it has to stop.

Yes, Betwixlass, guys acting like OP's husband usually "behave" other times = like at work, in public, etc. because the abusive person's focus is on the immediate family (spouse, kids, etc.) Those are the people that the abuser feels "comfortable" being nasty to & those are the people he WANTS to be mean to.

It was interesting to me that OP's husband "broke bad" in front of so many other people. So, either he was unable to contain himself, or he knew that none of those witnesses were a "danger" to himself. (And, BTW, we don't "marry abusive people". These people trick us into thinking they are normal, nice, decent people. Only later do we find out the truth)

My Narcissist husband of 48 years has only "broken bad" in front of witnesses about a handful of times that I know of. And those occasions were a lot less obviously nasty/violent than OP's husband. (But my 'D'H is very clever and frames his nasty as "humor"; so, many times, it would be unrecognized by any onlookers for what it really was)

Good luck, OP

Really well done, OP, for making your statement.

It's going to be hard to stick to it, but it's the only option. For your children's sake.

Something is at the bottom of this.

It may just be that you have a wrong'un, a coercive controlling agressor personality who will always actively look for things to kick off about - even when you've obeyed all instructions and tried to get everything right, that's not the point. They want the psychodrama, the control performance. This will never, ever change, unless his health and strength fails, and that could be decades away.

It may be a symptom, of physical or mental illness - I've been around people with diabetes, bipolar disorder, brain tumour, and explosions can happen. In which case, maybe him seeking health checks could be part of your requirements.

It may be his own childhood playing out - do his own family have any insights? Time for a calm, frank adult to adult conversation face to face with them. Did this happen in his teens? Maybe with an ex? Living with an abusive parent can create abusive adults. But you know this, and you don't want that happening again via your own children.

This is bloody hard. Please keep strong and follow advice.

I wonder if he is having an affair OP?

I can remember my exH acting like a total a-hole on our (last) 2-day visit to his parents for Christmas. He sulked all the way over ( it was obvious he didn't want to be there) and when he got there he hardly spoke, just plonked himself in front of the TV.
After tea on Christmas Day he decided he wanted to join the queue for the Boxing Day Sales at 7.00.pm ( ! ). Everyone said he was an idiot and I refused to give him the car keys because he'd been drinking.
He went ballistic and stormed out. He didn't get back until well after midnight.

I later found out that he was cheating and had made arrangements to meet the OW at her uncle's nearby.

It doesn't help you to decide what to do, but it might explain his behaviour.

Please would you read the My Mother's Christmas Meltdown current thread? How this stuff keeps grinding on, generation after generation, if it isn't STOPPED.