DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

[mourndayclub]

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

Fuck that’s awful. Can you sleep in with the kids tonight? Then leave tomorrow; either to your family or his? He is an abusive prick; luckily for you, he did it in front of witnesses

Does your dad have room for you? In his place I'd be relieved if you asked if you and the kids could move in to escape this man.

Sounds awful OP, so sorry.

There’s no way my family would tolerate my DP talking to me/the kids like that in their presence let alone what I’d have to say about it. You comment your Dad is non-confrontational and you are too - can you see a pattern here and do you want your children to observe this as ok?

calling out dickish behaviour is not being confrontational in my book. It’s having boundaries for how people treat you and being assertive when they are overstepped - v different things entirely.

The text message is just a whole other level. I’d ignore it/him personally (and use aa evidence) and get out of there.

I'd have left by now. Gone to my Dad's or sisters and texted back "Every single person in this house - including your children - are expecting you to apologise for your vile, abusive and totally unaccepable behaviour today. I am currently considering plans for the new year that will not involve tolerating your outbursts and anger..

Are you in the UK?

I'd find it hard to believe that he kicks off only once a year. Mil and father have seen it for themselves and I would expect them to support you. Recommend you talk to them individually next week for advice. This behaviour is not normal

Is he under pressure at work or ill? Do you know why he us behaving like this?

I can understand the crying today but you need to tke control of the situation. This is abuse and a tixuc environment for your children

Doing the double middle finger is incredibly immature. My heart goes out to you

I know you can’t move out but is there anyone’s house you can stay for atleast a few days?

While I think OP would be better off away from him, I don’t think this is about her ‘growing a backbone’ etc.

The arsehole that threw a tantrum and verbally abused everyone including 4 children is the problem here.

There's nowhere I can go

He’s controlling and abusive. You need to make this the year you leave. So sorry op

He wanted to just hang out drinking at the pub (or shall I say "continue drinking," as it sounds to me like he'd already had a few), so he staged a whole blowup, feigned outrage, and then dramatically stormed off to said pub, which had been the plan all along.

Speak to womens aid, save money, get a job and get a rental. Then divorce the man child

Abusive git. I grew up with a father like that. Don't subject your children to his behaviour OP.
It is damaging.

Yes, OP. You need to get help, and then set about creating a life away from him.. You need some help, support and a plan. I really feel for you. But once you leave you will start to feel better about yourself.

The OP doesn't actually say he is only abusive at Christmas. It's just he's only abusive at Christmas 'in front of the entire family'. I suspect he's abusive towards the Op quite regularly.

calling out dickish behaviour is not being confrontational in my book. It’s having boundaries for how people treat you and being assertive when they are overstepped - v different things entirely
We, sadly, are not reading from your book, I'm sure it's very well written and all that but this....this is more of a colouring book full of black scribble.
Now if he did that in my house in front of my sons and my husband there would be 3 big men fronting up to him the minute he stepped out of line...I dont think he'd want to risk it if so 'outgunned'
This woman has no back up, everyone is scared of what he might do, well constructed sentences are of little use I fear.

I second talking to women's aid. You might feel that you can't move now, but they can help you plan how to get out within a reasonable time frame.

You HAVE to prioritise your children. Yes, of course it should be him that changes as a pp implied, but he's not going to, so you need to be the parent that saves then (and yourself) from this awful situation.

Classy

He sounds delightful

This. Even worse that such vile, repulsive words were said in front of children. Also, the fact that saying it in front of his own parents (nor the kids) didn't even concern him 😳 That's scary

he is showing open blatant contempt towards his extended family, children & partner...beggars belief
disgusting and disturbing behaviour, I find it chilling

You and your kids can go to a woman's refuge. Their locations are secret, they're 100% secure, they have playrooms for the kids, internet access, you get a self contained flat within the building alongside communal areas, there's staff there during the day. They will send a taxi to come pick you up and they will pay for it. They'll even organise any benefit claims/alterations, all your legal stuff for your separation and/or home ownership stuff. Also anything you forget to bring, they'll provide. Even clothes, food, toiletries and toys! They are honestly amazing and you don't need any money in order to go! They'll even arrange for someone to get your stuff from your house at a later date and put it in storage for you!

Womensaid.org

I see this as a kind of shock tactic, it relies on the victims being scared of him, unable to believe that someone would behave like that (ie violate social norms in that way) & confusion about how to respond. This means they are sort of frozen in fear
I'm not saying its a clever strategy btw, more bog standard & instinctive predator behavior

Sorry that's meant to be womensaid.org.uk

OP, you don’t need to go anywhere. I presume the house is in both your names, he can’t throw you out.

Also, you have family. Surely they would take you in if things got too much?

Wow ...some of these messages are truly very demanding. Whether any of us like it or not; or would put up with it or not; this is not our marriage. Unless we have information that is showing obvious signs that her children are in immediate danger, it is not our place to tell her what to do.
Swearing and storming off can be a sign of potential abuse OR it can be a sign someone is not dealing with their emotions and is unstable and unable to cope- ie having a breakdown or depressed. It's not black and white for me.
Ultimately relationships are complicated and I would need more information to go on before giving a proper well formed opinion.
I would avoid it and let the dust settle and when he's on his own have a proper heart to heart. Find out what's going on and ask yourself and him some deeper questions.
Worry less about what we all think- none of us live in your shoes. Do what you feel is right for you and your children and look for support in places you can find.
Also- I'm very sorry you have had such a difficult day.