DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

[mourndayclub]

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

Are you seriously saying this is the only time he's like this.the rest of the year he's a good husband,man?
Then why wanting to leave but feel you can't.
And you mentioned her 3 branches of family who are close enough to come today.why cantvyiu go to them?
Why can't you chuck him out?
No money?how?
Is the abuse your going to samagevthose kids and yourself with living with a person like this worth staying "comfy" if you leave could you not slowly support yourself.or again be with family to start with?
Why are you with him.
You can't come and just need to rant about someone like that and not expect the answers given here.
A rant post is about dh burning the turkey or getting you a vacuum for chri stmas.not being an abusive dick who has hurt your kids and you.

Whaaattttt??
Outrageous.

He needs to literally grovel to you and his mum and eat humble pie.

If he can’t train his dog not to scrounge, and keep a respectful distance while you all eat, then dog has to be away from dining room.

I’m really sorry, @mourndayclub .
This must be so hard, a sulky, unreasonable husband is a pain.
I too have cried at Christmas over a husband who “
Escaped” at a family do.
We divorced
(Ironically many years later and on his 3rd Wife he wished me Happy Christmas today!)

He sounds fecking hilarious 😂 is he Harry Enfield?

Can you get an occupation order so that you can stay in the house without him?

Is there a risk he could become physically violent?

There’s more happening than just a single christmas outburst. The fact that you said he wouldn’t calm down and have an adult discussion and apologize is also telling.

Have you called the refuge yet?

I feel so sorry for your children.

But this is exactly why he felt he could have his little tantrum, because like all cowards he did it because he knew there was no one bigger around to stand up to him.

How awful for all of you.

I'm truly surprised your own father didn't pull him up!!

My father RIP would have knocked the block off any man who had behaved like that in front of everyone.

I do hope you at least contact women's aid and a couple of solicitors for advice, when you are able. At least find out what options you have.

You would get at least 50% of assests plus he'd have to pay maint for the kids.
Since you are a SAHM, he'd have to move elsewhere.

I didn't catch the ages of the DC but once they are all in school, picking up work would be easier. Did you have a career before? Degree?

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My best advice to you is once you’ve got a place to go… walk over to him calmly and say… “if you love the dog so much why don’t you just marry it?” and then serve him the divorce papers, take the kids and leave. The dog will surely keep him warm at night yes?

I’m so sorry you have to live with a man like this.

but please, don’t waste today’s feelings. Don’t attempt to put this away and think ‘it only happens rarely’ - I imagine that in all manner of ways he uses his ‘tantrums’ and threats to get what he wants in daily life, whether big or in more subtle ways (today it was absolving himself of being a responsible kind parent and escaping to the pub) It must be scary and I dread to think what effect it is having on your DC.

when you have a calm moment, start looking at your options. You seem to have good family around you - can they lend you money, or provide a place to stay for a time so you can save?

In the coming days you could phone Womens Aid and ask their advice.

One thing is for sure - this man is abusing you and your children with this behaviour, and even his own mother sounds scared of him. Please don’t let him dominate all of your lives forever. You are strong - you posted this here and have a ton of responders caring about you and rooting for you. I hope you can take a little bit of all that energy and turn it into positive changes for yourself and your children.

sending much love and hugs, good luck x

"Ask him to take something out to bin then lock him out"
😂😂😂

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. My exH was exactly like this. Ruined every single occasion and holiday in this way. As well as many other "normal" days. I too felt I had no way out until I eventually went to womens aid. They had a list of solicitors specialise divorce from abusive relationships who volunteered hours so free of charge. However women's aid will not pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. They will help you I promise xx

Lots of victim blaming on here.

It's the OP's fault for putting up with it and if her kids are traumatised, that's her fault too.

It's also her dad's fault for not punching him and allowing his DD and DGCs to be treated like that.

And then to cap it off, it's the MIL's fault for not having words with her DS and allowing it to happen. She raised him after all so ultimately it's on her.

This man does not have to take responsibility for any of his behaviour. It's all someone else's fault.

All those saying they wouldn't put up with it have clearly never been the victim of domestic abuse. What exactly would you have done on Christmas Day when you are trying to have a decent day with your family and make it nice for the kids. Have a screaming row and punch your DH? Get him told, that'll teach him! Lock him out so he's literally standing at the front door, hammering the door down. Like he's just going to say OK then and go?

I hope you have the strength, OP to make the right decision for you and your DCs

Can’t you go to your dad’s with the kids? It won’t be forever, you will get help.

Yes, Butterflied and Snarky, I agree with both of you..... My ex-husband used to pick fights so he could go out with his buddies and cheat on me with whatever female would have him. (We were young & he used to be somewhat cute and by the end of our marriage I found he was a serial cheater our entire relationship).

Also......could OP's DH have gone to meet a woman (either someone in particular or was he just hoping to randomly hook up with someone)?

Yes....LolaMoon..... You may be on to something! Glad you mentioned it..... I thought it but didn't have the guts to say anything....

My current husband is a Narcissist; I didn't realize until we'd been married for more than 25 years (I turned on the t.v. one day and a PBS show about Narcs was on!) I was so relieved to finally have an answer for all of the c-r-a-z-y I had experienced our entire marriage. (Still married = 48 years now.....it has been a wild ride = wouldn't reccommend, LOL)

Evidently Narcs dislike holidays, especially Christmas..... I had to "give up" Christmas..... I can't send out cards, can't decorate, definitely no gifts given or received, no holiday music, nothing.....

Lots for OP to think about and hopefully read/Google about = lots of info out there.
Good luck, OP

All the posters commenting their df would've knocked his block off; it's blatantly obvious that op's Dad is neither physically able nor personality inclined to challenge him ......

The reason it's so clear is that this man feels free to act like this, and continue acting like a dominant, aggressive, male chimp/gorilla in the sitting room - after the extremely offensive, aggressive, obscene cursing and gesturing.

He thinks he runs this house, he thinks he's in charge, he thinks he's the boss, he thinks he'll get away with anything he chooses to do.

He was being challenged in getting his way (about the dog, but it could've been anything) and he's made sure he's shown that he is not to be challenged in anything; he's the boss, he's the king of this castle.

That is 100% corroborated by the demand that chief serf/minion apologise to him for dating to challenge him (even when it was reasonable to do so).

It's patently obvious that this individual knows there's noone in this household to challenge him physically etc or he wouldn't be acting like this.

Op, you need Lundy Bancrofts "Why does he do that" and Women's Aid, and a divorce. You need some individual counselling too. You are in an abusive relationship. Your kids are growing up in an abusive home.

There is no way this is isolated behaviour. It .at bot go to this extreme in regular everyday life, but it's clear he's abusive ongoing.

As an aside, how is he with alcohol?

Because his flip off to the entire family including his children, and storming out seem like he was already drunk (?)

And he wanted to drink more (had he run low on alcohol or did he just want to drink in the pub rather than at home?).

And he presumably it came back when the pub closed (?)

Has he not even eaten?

He's since taken over the main sitting room of your home and intimidated family members to leave, was he drunk then?

(Btw I'm not saying if he does have issues with alcohol that it is in any way an excuse; it's actually even more reason to get rid of this specimen).

Listen to him, he’s telling you something. Loud and clear. How are the children coping with this? How will this affect them going forward? The answer you get here, will tell you what to do.

He’s basically ending the marriage by his behaviour. You just need to formalise it.

Hope you’re okay OP 💚

@mourndayclub you say there's nowhere to go - have you asked your dad, sister, even your mother in law?

We took my sister and her 3 kids in. There was no space but we made space. By the time we found out about the abuse it had already turned physical (and witnessed by the kids). I wish she'd told us sooner but she thought we didn't have space for them, she had no money, no job, and didnt think there was anywhere to go. We made space. We had 8 of us in a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house for 12 months whilst they got back on their feet. We made it work so they were safe. She now lives on her own in a rented flat with the kids, has a part time job and is so glad she took the risk of walking out and knocking on our door that night.