Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

434 replies

mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 15:45

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/12/2022 21:44

mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:42

I'm lucky that I still have my DSis and mil here who have been keeping me and kids company and having fun with us

What have they said to you about his behaviour? Presumably you get to talk about it when the kids are in bed?

Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:45

@Travelbud he told us all to fuck off and fuck ourselves.. not just me. At top volume

OP posts:
Weyearn2023 · 26/12/2022 21:48

Xer · 26/12/2022 21:43

**Too many kids are growing up in broken homes when actually the guy just needs to be told he’s a douchebag publicly a couple of times and he will calm down and behave. He behaves at work, right? So he CAN behave. All he needs is to understand he can’t get away with it and he WILL stop.

But of course playing hardball just isn’t feminine, is it? Standing up for yourself in any other way than maintaining a dignified silence and divorce just is not the way!**

Wow of all the shit I've read on here this one is the winner today 👏
Too many kids are also growing up around parents who stay together because they believe it's better for the kids and are terrified of the broken home scenario you just trotted out. Kids are also terrified when their dad kicks off over fuck all and they have to walk on egg shells.
I've known plenty of men who behave at work, who have then went on to batter their partners. But yes, publicly shaming those men into behaving would have changed them? 🙄

Sorry did this man drop the f bomb or did he batter his wife? One is abuse and one is not…

Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:49

@Betwixlass

I disagree that it's not abusive. It was scary. A fully grown man flying into a rage like that is scary. When you have young children and older parents sitting down to enjoy Christmas dinner, suddenly witnessing a large adult explode in anger and tell you all to fuck yourselves that's a horrible thing. It wasn't just some swearing it was pure uncontrolled rage

OP posts:
Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:52

About half an hour before he'd shouted at me and called me stupid becuase I couldn't remember where a box of cutlery was. Unwrapping presents from the get go he was sniping at the kids and finding reasons to not let them be excited and enjoy it.

Telling the children to fuck off after that is the last time he's spoken to any of the kids. He's not said a word to them since. Unfortunately the children saw me crying and upset. How can that be ok that he ruined all of our day

OP posts:
Xer · 26/12/2022 21:52

I hope you get to the bottom of it OP.
Whatever is going on its shit of him. If it was out of character I'd ask if he was suffering from illness, stress or poor mental health (and no not as an excuse).
My dad used to get like this when he was hiding gambling debt which could be something to look into if it's something he has access to.
He may just be a nasty person looking for an outlet.

Either way, I hope it gets easier no matter what route you take. I'm very surprised no one else spoke up about his behaviour. Was it shock?

Xer · 26/12/2022 21:54

Sorry did this man drop the f bomb or did he batter his wife? One is abuse and one is not…
That's not what the OP described and you need to look up the different forms of abuse. You don't need to lay a finger on your partner to be abusive.

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 21:56

@mourndayclub Is his behaviour yesterday completely out of character, or not? What has his behaviour been like towards you and the children in the last week/month/year?

Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 22:00

@Dottymug hard to say. He's done it before and if he gets stressed he can be snappy but yes that kind of outburst isn't normal for him.

The weird thing is he has spent soo much time effort and money on Christmas this year. It's the first year where he has everything he ever wanted on Christmas, own house, family, money, we've thrown parties,

And then he chose to destroy it for everyone I really don't understand it

OP posts:
Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 22:01

It's not 'day to day' normal.. normally it would have to be a big argument between us for him to act like that and that's relatively rare

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/12/2022 22:04

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 20:11

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn As mentioned in my last post I would deal with swearing and a middle finger by telling him it’s not acceptable and getting him to leave.

Strange that you think videoing someone’s bad behaviour is worse than the behaviour itself. The reason is simple. Having 25 people call him out on it is the fastest way to get it into his head that he’s doing the wrong ring. All the kids snap this stuff all day long. It will be forgotten in a couple of months and he will not make the same mistake again.

If he’s going to divorce her for snapping his behaviour then job done!

I do not think it is worse than the behaviour itself at all. Ive been clear that his behaviour is abuse and op needs to get her and her children out. You are the one saying she should put uo with it and just publicly shame a large angry abusive man, like that plan could end any way other than badly for op.

what is clear is that you have become accustomed to abuse and do not know what is an appropriate reaction to it.

this is not a one off. This of course will happen again.

pointythings · 26/12/2022 22:06

mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 22:01

It's not 'day to day' normal.. normally it would have to be a big argument between us for him to act like that and that's relatively rare

So he does do this more often then. Please consider the old adage: what percentage of shit would you accept in your otherwise delicious sandwich?

The answer should be none. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none. And this is abuse, every time he does it.

Hellybelly84 · 26/12/2022 22:20

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 18:56

I got chased away because, having read the initial thread and not the 15 pages of drip feeding following- because I have kids, family, relationships a job etc.

Anyway, he was out of order to say it but blowing up a marriage is disproportionate.video him. Put it on social media. Let him know you no longer respect him. Tell him in no uncertain terms it’s emotional abuse. Arrange therapy. Etc etc

There are lots and lots of ways of dealing with this that don’t involve divorce.

Newsflash divorce also terrifies the kids. Having to move into a b&b also terrifies the kids. Mum having to do everything alone while working minimum wage jobs and then having to hand the kids over to the abusive dad also stresses the kids.

MN needs to stop seeing divorce as the answer to everything. Too many kids are growing up in broken homes when actually the guy just needs to be told he’s a douchebag publicly a couple of times and he will calm down and behave. He behaves at work, right? So he CAN behave. All he needs is to understand he can’t get away with it and he WILL stop.

But of course playing hardball just isn’t feminine, is it? Standing up for yourself in any other way than maintaining a dignified silence and divorce just is not the way!

Anyway OP, I hope things have calmed down a little. All the best.

Im actually gobsmacked at your message.

Is it two women a week killed by an abusive partner? She should pack and get the hell out of there with the poor kids as fast as she can. Forget ‘playing hardball’ and just get those kids to a safe home where they wont be afraid of the person living there.

Telling a woman in an abusive relationship with a clearly volatile man to put a video on social media probably isnt a good idea either is it? Wind up someone she has already said is explosive. What she needs is practical, sensible advice to leave and as quick as possible.

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 22:22

I was working on the assumption OP, that this man was likely to be violent and you feel scared of him...is that the case though?

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 22:25

@mourndayclub So this is not a one-off, or once every Christmas event? You have to avoid arguments to avoid him becoming aggressive? Ignore everyone saying you should tell him to apologise, 'make him' sleep in the spare room etc etc. Just make plans to leave and do it. Phone a refuge. They will help you.

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 22:28

Op glad you are OK and yes that sounds really unacceptable. It does seem that this isn’t going to end well.

Re abuse: I’ve calmly stated on four occasions that divorce isn’t the only option and stated that although it is ONE option there are many others such as mediation, couple counselling. This is sensible advice and is also EXACTLY what a professional would recommend.

For this I’ve been called “shit”
”moronic” someone who would allow a man to batter his wife etc in fact six separate posters have verbally abused me. I have not been rude, abusive or unfair at any time.

I do think some of those abusing me and saying things like “OP leave that arsehole” are being total abusive hypocrites. OP has stated that she did initially try to resolve the situation peacefully without success. When that failed she is now considering splitting. With good cause it seems.

However she has also said that he is rarely like this. If the people DEMANDING that she leave after one blow out can’t see they are pressuring her then they are blind.

Let OP make her own mind up.
Support her.
Give her space, time and options.
Because if the only option you guys will accept is her leaving then you are being unfair to her too. When she is at her lowest point.
All the best OP.

pointythings · 26/12/2022 22:33

@Betwixlass couples counselling is explicitly not recommended by experts where there is abuse. So you are completely wrong.

OP has now said that this is not just a thing that happens at Christmas and that it happens more often. Why do you think she should just accept this and stay in the marriage when she would be far better off seeking help and rebuilding her life without him in it?

I know people who have left via the refuge route. It isn't easy. But it's a hell of a lot easier than staying and taking the abuse.

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 22:34

@Betwixlass Counselling? Seriously?

Itsnamechange · 26/12/2022 22:43

mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 22:00

@Dottymug hard to say. He's done it before and if he gets stressed he can be snappy but yes that kind of outburst isn't normal for him.

The weird thing is he has spent soo much time effort and money on Christmas this year. It's the first year where he has everything he ever wanted on Christmas, own house, family, money, we've thrown parties,

And then he chose to destroy it for everyone I really don't understand it

He's done this because he wanted to cause maximum upset. Same reason he ruined last Christmas. Because he enjoys it. Because he's an abuser.
This will not change and your children will be traumatised by it.

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 22:47

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/12/2022 22:04

I do not think it is worse than the behaviour itself at all. Ive been clear that his behaviour is abuse and op needs to get her and her children out. You are the one saying she should put uo with it and just publicly shame a large angry abusive man, like that plan could end any way other than badly for op.

what is clear is that you have become accustomed to abuse and do not know what is an appropriate reaction to it.

this is not a one off. This of course will happen again.

Show quote history

No, Lorenzo I explicitly DID NOT SAY SHE SHOULD PUT UP WITH IT. I said divorce is one option as well as many others. He’s sworn and shouted which isn’t acceptable but divorce is NOT the only option.

In fact having 300 people pressuring you to leave your marriage and that NOTHING else will do when it’s not them that will have to sort out where she lives, who looks after the kids and a million other things is not cool.

Let OP make her own mind up and stop being verbally abusive to anyone with a different view to your own. If you can’t see that telling OP she MUST leave is controlling and weird then you are blind.

Handwringingpearlclutch · 26/12/2022 22:50

mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 22:01

It's not 'day to day' normal.. normally it would have to be a big argument between us for him to act like that and that's relatively rare

@pointythings so she’s said it’s a regular thing, has she???

pointythings · 26/12/2022 22:56

@Handwringingpearlclutch she's said it's 'relatively rare'. That isn't good enough. This sort of behaviour should be either 1) a one off caused by high stress, which is addressed by the perpetrator engaging in learning better coping strategies so that it never happens again, or 2) a complete never event.

'Rare' is not good enough because it means that it can always happen again.

Handwringingpearlclutch · 26/12/2022 23:01

Some here are enjoying rubber necking the drama and clearly aren’t worried about what the OP wants or what is best for her.

How about OP stays at home and HE leaves?

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 23:12

@Handwringingpearlclutch and how do you suggest the OP makes that happen?

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 23:20

So, as long as it's not TOO regular, it's fine to be abusive to your spouse and children?

Swipe left for the next trending thread