DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

[mourndayclub]

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

Vote for most unhelpful post goes to...

Hope you managed some sleep Op

Why are you continuing to inflict this on your children?

Yes, you. You have many witnesses to his repeated benavior - time for a family conference without him where you honestly and openly have a frank conversation about him.

No more pretending.

I've read SO many posts from people whose childhoods were made hell because their mothers insisted on staying with these men.

Yes, there are abusive mothers. But your story plays out time and time again here and causes decades of inter-generational damage.

You have a duty here - and it isn't to this abusive man who neither likes, loves or respects any of you.

Sadly I think this is the case in the vast majority of situations like yours. How did it get to the stage you’ve no money like this?

If he behaves like this in front of guests I would imagine his behaviour is appalling the rest of the time. You sound from your posts like you are conditioned to this behaviour and feel you are to blame for not doing or saying the right thing. You are the example to your children. Do you want your daughter to believe she has to accept or deserves to be treated by her future partner the way you are being treated? Are you really just going to roll over and let him get away with this behaviour?

I'd say, yes im ready to apologise.

Im sorry for marrying you
Im sorry for putting up with your shit
Im sorry for letting you ruin our DCs Christmas
Im sorry you a such a poor excuse of a human that you think what you did is acceptable.

But everything else in an you 'D'H

Eric has it

Agreed. Excellent retort (though I do understand OP you are likely not able to use it)

I hope things get a little more tolerable for you today.

jesus you owe him an ap0ology for cleaning up? fucking nutter

Hundreds of thousands of families live like this. Usually they have no choice.
Men (and sometimes women) train their families to tolerate it.

Why would you marry someone like that?

Trust me...this won't be an isolated incident...I tolerated this sort of thing from my ex partner for years, made a thousand excuses for his behaviour on numerous occasions, I was with him for 15 years and 10 of those were completely wasted, it's your decision what you choose to do but remember that you and your children deserve to be happy and grow up with great memories, don't rob yourself or them of that gift.

Because these types typically don't become abusive until the victim is locked down and unable to escape they playing nice to start with in order to win you over so that they can perpetrate the abuse later.
The ogre presents as a nice protective man and then gradually ramps up the abuse as he's feeling around for what he can get away with.

Quite simply you and your children are victims of abuse. My heart goes out to all of you.
I appreciate leaving him is something that seems impossible but for all of your sakes (especially the children) it's a priority. This should be your New Year's resolution!

My ex didn't break my jaw until after we got married
I wouldn't have married him otherwise.
I expect OP is similar.

@mourndayclub Please don’t feel like you have to put a brave face on things. If you were more open about your situation you might find someone reaches out to you and offers the support you need to leave. There’s also lots of fantastic advice available on how to LTB via mumsnet.

I really hope today is a better day for you all.

This here

Agree. He is very much the his way or the highway type. Possible drinking issues.

A FIL wasn't mentioned, not that it matters, but I wonder if his own father was like that, a house tyrant.

Also, true it may not really show up until after marriage or during a first pregnancy. Some insist on many pregnancies to future control and prevent a woman's escape.

OP, what's your plan? If you have nowhere to go and are financially dependent upon him, what's your plan to gain financial independence for you and the children?

Throwing up your hands and saying "I can't do anything about it" isn't going to change anything. Your children can't change anything. Your husband could but he won't, because he's abusive. So that leaves you. You are the only hope for change for your children.

You've all chased her off with your victim-blaming, finger-pointing, mother-haranguing and seemingly simple LTB resolutions that are so easy to pedal out on a keyboard but which are much more difficult to navigate when it's happening in your actual in-real-time life.

I discovered a very long time ago that Mumsnet and real life are poles apart. Where do you think the phrase "Only on MN" came from? It wouldn't be the first time an OP has been chased off her own thread either.

I think there is a fine line between victim and perpetrator. That line is usually children. Yes, the OP is a victim of her husband, but their children are a victim of both. That's where people are coming from when they are berating the OP for staying with an abusive man.

Children are the most vulnerable victims because they have zero options. They are relying on the adults to keep them safe. But, eventually, those children will grow up and no longer need others to keep them safe, and they will look back with adult eyes and see how let down they were.

You only need to look at MN right now to see how many threads are by adults who are low contact with their parents because mummy stayed with abusive daddy, and they don't want their own children to be around their grandfather, therefore they don't see their mother much.

This is the consequences of the decisions parents make for their children.

I’ve been chased off my own thread twice now. Both were questions that were very painful and difficult to bring up. I learned my lesson the second time not to be vulnerable on mumsnet and to only ask very simple questions. When I do ask personal questions I am very careful to frame it in a way that can’t be taken out of context. Because I’ve learned that mumsnetters LOVE drama even if it’s another’s expense. So if it can be taken out of context it will be for the sake of crucifying the person making the post. They love creating bad guys where they don’t exist.

If anything though it’s made me more empathic to those in need on the boards though. It’s hard to admit that your partner is a piece of shit and you don’t know what to do about it. Even more difficult to stand up to them.

Empathy is a rare bird on this website.

Thank you to the kind posters I appreciate your kindness