Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH told us all to fuck ourselves over dinner

434 replies

mourndayclub · 25/12/2022 15:45

Thought we could make it through the holidays but that crashed and burned today in spectacular style. DH wanted to have the dog in the dining room and I said I'd her her away as she'd been retching and being sick (MIL unintentionally let her eat a whole load of sheep poo) plus she's a puppy which harasses the kids if there's food.

Because I said no and just complained about it he started shouting and telling me to get out of the kitchen but again I said no because I was trying to dish up potato's and veg, bent to pick up some stuffing from the floor so MIL didn't step on it and he went absolutely crazy told me MIL my DF DSis and all DC to fuck ourselves, fuck off, flipped the double finger at us all and took the dog to the pub. Had dinner without him and now he's returned and pretending it never happened in the living room loving on the dog when all he's done is snapped at the children and me today and then blown up.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

OP posts:
PissedOffAmericanWoman · 26/12/2022 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

THIS! I don’t even bring up disagreements with my partner. I could say that he prefers kit kats over reese’s and be told we must divorce right now! 😂

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 17:55

I think you need to leave. This isn’t a proportionate reaction at all. You have witnesses too so don’t bury this.

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 18:56

I got chased away because, having read the initial thread and not the 15 pages of drip feeding following- because I have kids, family, relationships a job etc.

Anyway, he was out of order to say it but blowing up a marriage is disproportionate.video him. Put it on social media. Let him know you no longer respect him. Tell him in no uncertain terms it’s emotional abuse. Arrange therapy. Etc etc

There are lots and lots of ways of dealing with this that don’t involve divorce.

Newsflash divorce also terrifies the kids. Having to move into a b&b also terrifies the kids. Mum having to do everything alone while working minimum wage jobs and then having to hand the kids over to the abusive dad also stresses the kids.

MN needs to stop seeing divorce as the answer to everything. Too many kids are growing up in broken homes when actually the guy just needs to be told he’s a douchebag publicly a couple of times and he will calm down and behave. He behaves at work, right? So he CAN behave. All he needs is to understand he can’t get away with it and he WILL stop.

But of course playing hardball just isn’t feminine, is it? Standing up for yourself in any other way than maintaining a dignified silence and divorce just is not the way!

Anyway OP, I hope things have calmed down a little. All the best.

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 19:00

Sorry I posted that other options than divorce should be considered without reading the whole thread and got my arse handed to me. Does anyone listen to the vows when they marry anymore?

Yes he’s out of order. Yes he needs to be re-educated in whichever way is most effective. That might include divorce, it might not. Divorce isn’t the only option to someone swearing at you though.

PrinceHaz · 26/12/2022 19:31

You mentioned you have nowhere to go. Family have witnessed his behaviour to you and the children. Would they be in the position to house you temporarily?
Even if you think you have nowhere to go, there might be options. Get as much advice as you can and start making an exit plan.

PrinceHaz · 26/12/2022 19:33

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 19:00

Sorry I posted that other options than divorce should be considered without reading the whole thread and got my arse handed to me. Does anyone listen to the vows when they marry anymore?

Yes he’s out of order. Yes he needs to be re-educated in whichever way is most effective. That might include divorce, it might not. Divorce isn’t the only option to someone swearing at you though.

Having made marriage vows shouldn’t prevent you from leaving an abuser.
He didn’t just swear and this wasn’t a one off.

Travelbud · 26/12/2022 19:51

@Miss03852 your post is below the fucking belt. Calling single mothers desperate.

I partly agree but I do not think it's down to all the single mothers. Why wouldn't it be the married mothers encouraging you to leave? Ridiculous assumption to make. MN is an irrational place at times... like the mum on the train with her baby and posters assumed she didn't try to calm her toddler down/stop crying.

Travelbud · 26/12/2022 19:55

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 19:00

Sorry I posted that other options than divorce should be considered without reading the whole thread and got my arse handed to me. Does anyone listen to the vows when they marry anymore?

Yes he’s out of order. Yes he needs to be re-educated in whichever way is most effective. That might include divorce, it might not. Divorce isn’t the only option to someone swearing at you though.

It was not just a bit of swearing though. OPS DH did it in front of the entire family!! If he does that with family members around I dread to think of what it's like when it's just OP and her kids.

He actually told OP to fuck off, to go and fuck yourself PLUS the middle finger IN FRONT OF HIS 4 kids. Come on let's not pretend this is a little row.

Plus was there any need to get this heated?

When OPS kids are telling her to fuck off too..... you know why!!

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 20:03

So she tells him that is unacceptable and he won’t be getting dinner firmly, then has a great dinner with everyone else.

Or turns to the rest of the family and says “ Sorry guys Daddy’s behaving like an abusive idiot again, let’s ignore him” with a wink.

Some of us grew up in tougher families. Feeling sorry for ourselves wasn’t an option. Nor would his behaviour reduce any of us to anything other than an eye roll and a snappy retort. I don’t swear in front of kids if possible but I model being a strong female who can hold my own by being a strong female who can hold my own. Turn the situation to my advantage. Turn the negative to a positive. He’s behaved like an idiot so the correct response is not to internalise it and feel bad but to admonish him and remove him until he apologise.

People treat you how you allow them to. Woman up and get tough.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/12/2022 20:05

Anyway, he was out of order to say it but blowing up a marriage is disproportionate.video him. Put it on social media. Let him know you no longer respect him. Tell him in no uncertain terms it’s emotional abuse. Arrange therapy. Etc etc There are lots and lots of ways of dealing with this that don’t involve divorce.

wow. If you did that to me, you’d definitely be handed a divorce. That is not normal behaviour. And wtf would you want to stay married if you no longer respected him?

Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 20:11

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn As mentioned in my last post I would deal with swearing and a middle finger by telling him it’s not acceptable and getting him to leave.

Strange that you think videoing someone’s bad behaviour is worse than the behaviour itself. The reason is simple. Having 25 people call him out on it is the fastest way to get it into his head that he’s doing the wrong ring. All the kids snap this stuff all day long. It will be forgotten in a couple of months and he will not make the same mistake again.

If he’s going to divorce her for snapping his behaviour then job done!

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 20:19

I don't think it's a woman's job to train her husband into decent behaviour as if he's a disobedient puppy. This is a grown man who is choosing to behave like a disgusting yob in front of his children.

SqueakySquirrel · 26/12/2022 20:25

Too many kids are growing up in broken homes when actually the guy just needs to be told he’s a douchebag publicly a couple of times and he will calm down and behave. He behaves at work, right? So he CAN behave. All he needs is to understand he can’t get away with it and he WILL stop.
Oh he will will he? Damn if only you would have been around when I was growing up.. everything would have been fine!!
This is the most moronic statement I've ever read here.

pointythings · 26/12/2022 21:01

People treat you how you allow them to. Woman up and get tough.

Wow, so if you're a woman whose husband is abusive, it's your fault for allowing it and you should just have got tough. What fabulous victim blaming.

Here's an idea: if a man abuses you, you get to walk away because you don't have to put up with that crap and you are not responsible for correcting the way his parents raised him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 26/12/2022 21:10

It is like he was looking for a reason to go to the pub as he did not want to be there. Is he usually a dickhead. I would tell him calmly that he has to go and apologize to each and every family member and talk to the children as that is shocking behaviour. I would be telling him to leave as he is just awful. Is he always so rude and selfish to you and the children. Make him sleep on the sofa and lock your bedroom door. I would be seriously having a long good think about the kind of a future life I wanted. If this is a one off then talk to him but if he behaves like this regularly then I would not want the children seeing this as a kind of normal behaviour as it will have a lasting effect on them and their future relationships and you all deserve better. Hope you are ok and just ignore him and have a glass of wine and relax and do not let him ruin your Christmas.

Dottymug · 26/12/2022 21:14

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants 'I would tell him calmly that he has to go and apologize to each and every family member and talk to the children as that is shocking behaviour. I would be telling him to leave as he is just awful. Is he always so rude and selfish to you and the children. Make him sleep on the sofa and lock your bedroom door.'
You've not lived with an abusive partner, have you?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 26/12/2022 21:30

Yes Dotty I have and trying not to escalate things sometimes is the right thing to do and am assuming her family is still there. There are lots of different types of abuse that people have lived in and many different ways people handle things. If I was in her situation I would be making plans to leave or for getting him out as not a way to be living that someone thinks it is ok to kick off like that in front of everyone so can only assume what he must be like on an everyday basis. Life too short to be living like that and yes I did leave a situation.

Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:40

I've communicated with him via text today and told him very bluntly that he was abusive and there is zero excuse for his behaviour. He has to apologise to everyone and I told him I will not cover for him if people ask how Christmas was. He is still insisting that it's my fault and I need to apologise and move on, he's shut himself in the living room with the dog again. Won't talk to anyone. At the very least I know for a fact he is suffering right now and very unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:41

There are legitimate but outing reasons why I can't go to DF, DSis or MILs

OP posts:
Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:41

I told him If he really thinks there's nothing wrong with what he did then I don't want to be married to him anymore as we'll be happier without him

OP posts:
Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:42

But currently he's not replied to my numerous texts

OP posts:
Betwixlass · 26/12/2022 21:42

@squeakysquirrel please stop using the word moronic.
@pointythings you are twisting my words which were nothing at all like the ridiculous martyr like imaginary scenario you’ve cooked up and then managed to get offended at 😁 I can see SOME people are having a boring Christmas.

Not all of us waft around like Jane Eure. Please don’t ever go into teaching secondary schools where you will deal with scenarios like this almost daily.

As I mentioned I am not spending my one hour if free time a day reading 15 pages- if the OP drip fed that’s on her.

Divorce is an option, especially if he is constantly abusive
So is counselling, mediation etc
So is telling him off at the time and standing up for herself.
So is being strong. If she does leave him she is going to need to be incredibly strong.

Look, nobody wants women to be stuck in abusive relationships and I understand that helping women to leave abusive relationships is one of the things MN does incredibly well. But… leaving isn’t for everyone and it’s OK to discuss other options.

From the initial post OP said her husband said the f word and stuck a finger up. Childish but not abuse. Saying that divorce is the only possible reaction was a little OTT, quite honestly.

I am allowed to say that I would handled it differently and had a good day. You might not agree with that sentiment but I would have handled it either with humour so that my kids weren’t further traumatised and forgot easily or by telling him it wasn’t appropriate.

We are all different.

Original poster
mourndayclub · 26/12/2022 21:42

I'm lucky that I still have my DSis and mil here who have been keeping me and kids company and having fun with us

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 21:42

just let him stew then....I cant see that anyone'd miss him

Xer · 26/12/2022 21:43

**Too many kids are growing up in broken homes when actually the guy just needs to be told he’s a douchebag publicly a couple of times and he will calm down and behave. He behaves at work, right? So he CAN behave. All he needs is to understand he can’t get away with it and he WILL stop.

But of course playing hardball just isn’t feminine, is it? Standing up for yourself in any other way than maintaining a dignified silence and divorce just is not the way!**

Wow of all the shit I've read on here this one is the winner today 👏
Too many kids are also growing up around parents who stay together because they believe it's better for the kids and are terrified of the broken home scenario you just trotted out. Kids are also terrified when their dad kicks off over fuck all and they have to walk on egg shells.
I've known plenty of men who behave at work, who have then went on to batter their partners. But yes, publicly shaming those men into behaving would have changed them? 🙄