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Original poster

Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?

239 replies

TheWayItAllWouldGo · 25/12/2022 00:30

I am just done.

I hate my fucking body. I hate being the only childless one in my family. I hate the ovulation tracking, the pleading to the universe, the fucking 2 million pregnancy tests I've taken every month for the last 5 years.

The late periods.

The faulty tests and evap lines.

The stabbing pain in my heart when I see that light spotting yet again.

The having to schedule sex around my fucking fertility app.

The lovely pregnancy announcements I've seen from people I know lately.

The "when are you having kids?"

The "just stop stressing and it will happen"

The "we are blessed" posts

The crying.

The loneliness.

The pain.

I hate it all.

Yes I've been to the doctor. please don't offer me any advice. I just need to swear, cry and profess my hatred for life and how utterly cruel it is. I will go back to being happy for everyone tomorrow and nobody will ever know how deeply heartbroken I am.

OP posts:
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reallyneedtosleep · 31/12/2022 22:26

To add, I had mantua many years of TTC, and I was a serial tester literally spent £100 on tests, totally addicted I didn't like to be the Debby downer after your first photo but I've had soooo many test that look like these 3 and I've not been pregnant. The first one I put down to bring a weak chemical pregnancy, like it attached, chucked a bit of hormone around then fell off again! Usually followed by an annoying period about a week late.
It's shit op.

Original poster
TheWayItAllWouldGo · 31/12/2022 22:27

Thank you for the replies.
I don't think I got my dates wrong because I use an app and log all my periods in there and when I dtd etc. But my last period was 3 days early, so might that have something to do with it? I really don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWayItAllWouldGo · 31/12/2022 22:31

reallyneedtosleep · 31/12/2022 22:26

To add, I had mantua many years of TTC, and I was a serial tester literally spent £100 on tests, totally addicted I didn't like to be the Debby downer after your first photo but I've had soooo many test that look like these 3 and I've not been pregnant. The first one I put down to bring a weak chemical pregnancy, like it attached, chucked a bit of hormone around then fell off again! Usually followed by an annoying period about a week late.
It's shit op.

I think this is whats happening to me 😔 or, as you say, the tests are dodgy. It's just every one I'm taking is showing that same faint line.

OP posts:

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Hummusanddipdip · 31/12/2022 22:40

Oh op, I've only read all your comments. You are allowed to feel how you feel, they are your feelings and your emotions, noone can take that away from you. I just want to hug you. For want you've gone through and for what you're now going through.

I get the not wanting to hope right now, can I hope for you?

Original poster
TheWayItAllWouldGo · 31/12/2022 22:45

Like I mean, here's two IC tests I just took, and they are showing those faint lines just like the frers.

Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?
Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?
OP posts:
SortinMyMH · 31/12/2022 22:45

I hear you ive been there. Rant away.

But also to say i really hope the tests are positive for you. Fwiw mine were like that for 2 weeks so fingers crossed for you

TheDuchessOfMN · 31/12/2022 22:54

There’s obviously a trace of hcg in your urine. Can you go to the GP for a blood test?

Original poster
TheWayItAllWouldGo · 31/12/2022 22:59

TheDuchessOfMN · 31/12/2022 22:54

There’s obviously a trace of hcg in your urine. Can you go to the GP for a blood test?

Yes, I think I'm going to have to.
I've waited 5 fucking years to see that 2nd line, and I finally see it and don't even know if it's viable 😞

OP posts:
Catshaveiteasy · 01/01/2023 01:48

How very frustrating for you. When I had my ectopic, the pregnancy test was clearly positive from the start.

Hope you get clarification soon.

takeitonthegin · 01/01/2023 09:40

I hope things work out OP.

seven201 · 01/01/2023 11:20

Sorry, but I've had many first responses like that when I haven't been pregnant. If the line isn't getting darker (over days) it's probably just the indent showing up. It's bizarre as sometimes one packet will stay stark white, whereas most have that feint colourless line taunting you. Personally I'd test agin for the next few mornings. I say that as someone who's been ttc for dc2 for 5 years including 4 miscarriages. I've probably spent about £500 on pregnancy tests alone! Good luck.

seven201 · 01/01/2023 11:22

Those cheapie tests look like they might have a little colour in the line? You can always order a finger prick blood test from somewhere like medichecks. Was about £50 last time I bought one. You can now buy them in some pharmacies and some Holland and Barratts.

Quitelikeit · 01/01/2023 15:16

Keeping everything crossed for you op

is this the first time you’ve had two lines ever in all your years of trying?

Miss03852 · 01/01/2023 15:56

You can buy a clear blue test which literally says the word “pregnant” on it, get one of those to be sure

ThreeRingCircus · 01/01/2023 16:28

I would also try a different brand of tests OP.

Vallmo47 · 01/01/2023 16:33

Keeping everything crossed for you that you get your baby one day, OP.
I hope you are able to keep us posted on your recent update as well. 🙏🙏🙏

UnaOfStormhold · 01/01/2023 16:46

I vividly remember that hideous dance between hope and grief month after month, my heart goes out to you OP. A book that helped me deal with the mental side of it was Fertile Thinking by Cat Sizer - I hate the title as it suggests it's about thinking yourself pregnant (grr to all the justrelaxers!) but it's actually full of helpful tips on how to cope with the mental shitshow that is infertility, including how to cope when you decide you've had enough and can't go on trying any more or, on the flip side, how to not go completely off the rails if you do, as I hope you will soon, get an unambiguous positive.

Original poster
TheWayItAllWouldGo · 01/01/2023 18:25

Well, I have an official confirmation for you all.

After 5 days of not showing, she has made her grand appearance. Mp period that is, not a strong, second line.

So that's it now, really, we've come to the end of our ttc journey. We've tried every trick in the ttc book for a full 5 years as we started December 2017.

I'm only 34, but calling it quits. I'm not mentally strong enough to keep chasing after something that's not going to happen.

This was our last shot and it didn't work. And not only did it not work, but life had to be extra cruel and throw in a very late period and a few maybe lines.

Thank you for your company on this thread while I freaked out, lost my shut, and stupidly allowed myself to hope.

Happy new year 😔

OP posts:
Redwineandbrie · 01/01/2023 18:42

I'm so sorry 😞

TheDuchessOfMN · 01/01/2023 18:52

I am so sorry too. There is nothing any of us can say to make it any better. Take care of yourself xx

SoSweetAndSalty · 01/01/2023 18:53

💐

Sunbird24 · 01/01/2023 19:04

@TheWayItAllWouldGo i’m sorry, for both the journey and the bastard kicker at the end. Am also in the ‘never going to be a mum now’ camp and still dealing with advice from the people who got lucky after years of trying, and the ones who had accidental babies that they never even planned for, and the ‘have you considered adoption?’ crowd. I actually could get pregnant, but could never carry past 10 weeks and will now never know why, even spending about £20k going through ivf didn’t help.

You swear and scream and rant all you want, it’s fucking unfair.

ronswansonstache · 01/01/2023 19:30

I'm so sorry OP. Life can be a complete cunt sometimes. Take care of yourself and I hope you find happiness in 2023 xxx

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 19:32

So sad to read your update, life is bloody cruel and unfair so often.

Wishing you strength and peace for 2023. I hope you can surround yourself with loving and kind people to support you.

Sending you so much love Flowers

MeinKraft · 01/01/2023 19:38

Oh I was so hoping for a different outcome. Lots of love and gentle hugs OP Flowers

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