Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?

[TheWayItAllWouldGo]

I am just done.

I hate my fucking body. I hate being the only childless one in my family. I hate the ovulation tracking, the pleading to the universe, the fucking 2 million pregnancy tests I've taken every month for the last 5 years.

The late periods.

The faulty tests and evap lines.

The stabbing pain in my heart when I see that light spotting yet again.

The having to schedule sex around my fucking fertility app.

The lovely pregnancy announcements I've seen from people I know lately.

The "when are you having kids?"

The "just stop stressing and it will happen"

The "we are blessed" posts

The crying.

The loneliness.

The pain.

I hate it all.

Yes I've been to the doctor. please don't offer me any advice. I just need to swear, cry and profess my hatred for life and how utterly cruel it is. I will go back to being happy for everyone tomorrow and nobody will ever know how deeply heartbroken I am.

It sucks doesn't it.

I waited years to try as we had plenty of time, not in the right place financially etc.

Then cancer (partner), pcos(me), severe depression and anxiety (partner) have taken all that chance away. He has no sperm and has decided his mental health wouldn't be good for kids (don't completely disagree but also makes me very angry).

I'm now essentially trapped as a carer for a manchild (appreciate he is ill but in all honesty this is what I feel about it) I resent, dreaming of a life that will never happen for me. But I also can't bring myself to ignore the in sickness and in health promise I made.

I'm so glad I have my niece who I adore but it's not the same and every pregnancy announcement is a like a knife.

I'm sorry op. It's a brave strong decision deciding that enough is enough. I did find it liberating once I'd done it though. If anyone tell you you've got years to carry on trying give them a massive big Fuckity Off from me.
Good luck to you and very best wishes for whatever your future brings xx

So sorry to read this OP. I hope that the decision gives you some relief in time. Good luck with whatever the future may hold for you xx

So sorry OP, what a head fuck those faint lines were. I hope you can find some peace with your decision and 2023 is a better year for you x

Oh shit. Sorry OP. That sucks. May you find the strength to take the rest of your life
by the bollocks 💐

So sorry OP. Best wishes to you xx

I am truly sorry. I hear you.

We started trying 6 years ago and found out we couldn't have bio kids so started the adoption journey.

That is hard in a completely different way and you still grieve for the loss of what you have always wished for whilst being interrogated by social workers.
We are 14 months into that journey and have a long way still to go; we start matching this month. I still get told "if you relax." "I know a man whose wife's cousin's daughter's dog's groomer's partner's aunty...." stories and, although people tell them with a kind heart, they don't use their fucking brain. No, relaxing won't fucking help if he doesn't have sperm and I don't have the right hormones. This doesn't mean I aren't excited for our journey, just that it's been really hard so far. We are happy with the choices we have made.
Infertility is fucking shit. I hear you. I hope you get some peace with the choices you make in your journey.

I'm really sorry OP and to those whose TTC journey continues and those who have made the decision that its too soul-destroying to keep trying. I've really appreciated the raw honesty, anger and frustration in this thread. There can be a lot of toxic positivity around TTC and it can be really damaging. Sometimes people need to grieve! It's a brutal process that so many don't understand. Wishing love and luck to you all xxx

Oh op, I'm so sorry to read your updates.
Life is so fucking unfair. I wish you all the best for your future.

I’m so sorry @TheWayItAllWouldGo. I’m not going to offer platitudes because they won’t help, just know I am genuinely sorry you’re going through this. A virtual hug from me.

I'm so sorry. Take time to grieve, assess and process what has happened to you.

I took 2 years following my last failed IVF attempt. During that time we considered egg donation but I just didn't feel right about it for various reasons. After two years we were offered to enter an agreement whereby we paid for another couple's IVF and they would give us half their harvested eggs. We met with the same doctor who had treated us before - just being with her back at the hospital and discussing the procedures we would need to go through made me 100% convinced I wanted nothing to do with that.

I had thought of adoption but not discussed it with my DH. However we did talk after that and he was up for it and within a few short months we started on that journey.

I'm not saying it's an easy answer, or right for everyone. But I found it was the right thing to do for me / us - being a parent was far more important to me than giving birth.

It may never be for you but I hope you find a way to live your life happily with or without children in it.

I'm so sorry

I’m so sorry, that waiting and hoping followed by crushing disappointment is horrific, take care of yourself.