Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?

[TheWayItAllWouldGo]

I am just done.

I hate my fucking body. I hate being the only childless one in my family. I hate the ovulation tracking, the pleading to the universe, the fucking 2 million pregnancy tests I've taken every month for the last 5 years.

The late periods.

The faulty tests and evap lines.

The stabbing pain in my heart when I see that light spotting yet again.

The having to schedule sex around my fucking fertility app.

The lovely pregnancy announcements I've seen from people I know lately.

The "when are you having kids?"

The "just stop stressing and it will happen"

The "we are blessed" posts

The crying.

The loneliness.

The pain.

I hate it all.

Yes I've been to the doctor. please don't offer me any advice. I just need to swear, cry and profess my hatred for life and how utterly cruel it is. I will go back to being happy for everyone tomorrow and nobody will ever know how deeply heartbroken I am.

My friend a few years back did Slimming world and after a lifetimes infertility conceived two children in her late thirties/early forties. In her case it was PCOS and to conceive she didn’t have to become skinny. She would still have been classed overweight.

Dear lord at some of the responses still coming in 🙄 OP doesn't want to hear about people conceiving miraculously after doing a thing

Well whaddaya know!

My best friend's uncle's neighbour's cat conceived quintuplets after dancing widdershins around a field on the solstice while necking hawthawn juice.

Errrr PCOS can be controlled by diet and I assume that particular diet controlled it for her. That’s not hocus pocus.

So the OP has said she’s overweight but can’t maintain any weight loss. That means there’s something actually tangible she could work on to increase her chances. I’d be jumping for joy.

I'm honestly not jumping for joy. Should I be? Can you enlighten me please?

I think I've tried every trick in the book besides this, maybe I should give it a go 😂

I agree. It can be controlled by diet depending on the type of pcos you have. Mine is diet controlled I don’t take meds for it. However in ops case I’m guessing nothing has worked for her.

OP I’ve had secondary infertility so I can honestly say I understand how you feel. But there is something you can do to help yourself so yes, I think there’s something to be positive about.

The crashing tone deafness when the OP had clearly stated she does not want advice but just wants to rant out her grief is astounding

OP I’m infertile, I hear you! Im in my 50s now and menopausal so it will never happen for me. You have no need to justify your grief or your anger xx

The very fact that you have secondary infertility means that you don't know how the op feels.

I don't even know if I have PCOS, the doctor won't refer me for help of any sort until I lose and keep a load of weight off. I could very well have PCOS, or endo or anything else that could be going on in there.

There's no point posters telling me to lose weight (not specifically directed at the poster I am quoting, just mean in general), I have lost it a bunch of times over 5 years, I end up putting it back on because I have emotional trauma linked to overeating and have done from I was a young child. And even when I did lose a good bit of weight I still didn't fall pregnant.

I have honestly tried everything I can within my control: supplements, teas, pre seed, tracking, ovulation sticks, dtd every other day, dtd on my fertile week, not tracking at all and "seeing how we get on", lying with my legs in the air after dtd, the "turkey baster" method, cutting out alcohol (both me and dh), you name it I've tried it.

Short of doing a fertility rain dance, I don't know what else I can do. I can't help having an eating problem, despite what some people think it's not just a case of having willpower, or just stop eating crap, it's not that simple. Maybe to some people it is but to me it's extremely difficult and I fucking hate myself for it.

Yeah except all research shows that your weight does impact your fertility and if OP’s doctor thinks it’s an issue then maybe if she addressed her diet she could actually get pregnant.

Ok so if it’s due to trauma then why don’t try and get therapy for that? This will catch up with you and you’ll have a miserable life as the health issues come up if you don’t address this.

I have had therapy, and counselling too.

I hear you

Just stop replying OP. Some people don't understand food addiction. Especially when it's coupled with emotional eating. I've sat eating while crying because I know I shouldn't be eating when I needed to lose weight for ivf. It's shit.
Unfortunately despite making it clear you don't want advice, the 'I know best' brigade has shown up.

Take care op x

I’m so sorry OP. I am in a similar position to you but they don’t really know the reasons why. It feels like everything has been a huge lie- the contraception for so many years, the fairytale of getting a good job, getting a house, getting married. Literally everything in place to have a baby and then being told no. But also not really no but keep trying just in case it’s no, months on end of tests and disappointment. It’s not fair! I honestly wish I’d stayed single, slept around and enjoyed myself- it would have saved the heartache.

Who asked for a debate about causes of or coping strategies. I don't think it was the OP or me so fucking stop with them.
Please (as its Christmas season)

This

Swear away.

I know you don't want advice but... it might be worth seeing someone privately just to find out about the pcos. The initial appointments are actually not bad - I think my first was £120 but that was 4 years ago now and I was told
I had polycystic ovaries. I was given metformin to help and clomid. That could well be all you need. Metformin can help with weight loss for some too.

Not that that worked for me, I'm now tens of thousands in after 5 years, 6 ivfs, 3 surgeries and 4 miscarriages. I am incredibly lucky that I already have a naturally conceived dc so it's secondary infertility for me.

@TheWayItAllWouldGo rant away, it's perfectly understandable how you're feeling... a close friend of mine is going through the same and has said recently that she's had enough of it all now and to preserve her sanity she is going to start focusing on other things in the New Year... In her case after going through rigorous tests and consultations 'unexplained infertility' has consumed her and her DH's lives for years, so this is it for them... she's lovely and would make a great Mum as I'm sure you would and it's heartbreaking to think of all the people who have baby after baby without a thought and don't want them or look after them properly when good people like you and my friend would dearly love a precious child to nurture... it sucks, it really does and it's not fair... be kind to yourself and treasure your nieces and nephews, you still have children in your life, just in a different way... some people don't even have that... (hugs)) to you xx

Solidarity OP, it sucks absolute balls. I left my last job because I couldn’t take the pregnancy announcements anymore. People I’d been pregnant with (I miscarried, a lot) were having their second children and I was still trying for my first. Fuck that.

No you do not understand, it’s complicated different and this is exactly the kind of thing that’s so painful to hear as a comparison.

OP I’m in your same boat, I sometimes think I’ve made peace with it, then another pregnancy announcement arrives and it’s another kick in the teeth all over again.

Christmas doesn’t help, I’ve found it more difficult this year than ever, everywhere I look there’s people with kids having the family Christmas I’ll never have - I might bugger off on holiday next year and try and escape it all.

Can you afford to go private to see a gynaecologist or speak to your GP & insist on being referred under choose & book to a gynaecologist at your nearest private hospital.