Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?

[TheWayItAllWouldGo]

I am just done.

I hate my fucking body. I hate being the only childless one in my family. I hate the ovulation tracking, the pleading to the universe, the fucking 2 million pregnancy tests I've taken every month for the last 5 years.

The late periods.

The faulty tests and evap lines.

The stabbing pain in my heart when I see that light spotting yet again.

The having to schedule sex around my fucking fertility app.

The lovely pregnancy announcements I've seen from people I know lately.

The "when are you having kids?"

The "just stop stressing and it will happen"

The "we are blessed" posts

The crying.

The loneliness.

The pain.

I hate it all.

Yes I've been to the doctor. please don't offer me any advice. I just need to swear, cry and profess my hatred for life and how utterly cruel it is. I will go back to being happy for everyone tomorrow and nobody will ever know how deeply heartbroken I am.

It’s shit. I tried for years to find my mr right and then my chance and my partner was taken away from me when I had chemo. Now I can’t bare it when people get pregnant. I want my chance, my baby, my flesh and blood and it was cruelly taken away. I woke up to 3 people announcing pregnancy this morning and while I am happy for them I hate that I won’t get it . Hand on heart if I’d known that chemo would stop me having a child I would never have had it. My life isn’t a life without a child.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a midwife and be in your position. You are one strong woman. Shit things do happen to good people and it's terrible that IVF is so expensive.

This must be so hard, I'm so sorry. I hope you still manage to build a fulfilling life, but I understand how painful the announcements will always be.

Thank you . I have my mum and my friends. Oh and my precious dog. That’s enough for me currently but I’ve accepted today that I need to seek therapy to accept things.

Have these 'cheery' buggers suggesting adoption really thought their flippant remarks through?
Do they realise that we are hurt by them. Even those who do get round to fostering later. It HURTS the first few times.

Exactly . It’s not helpful at all and it’s another kick to the teeth. I want my own child not someone else’s.

I couldn't have put it better myself 🥲

100% agree

I’m sorry, it’s really bloody unfair. I would say I would cut down the ‘when are you having kids?’ questions by saying you would if you could/you are trying your best or some variation as I really feel people need to learn not to ask such Insensitive questions.

Testing negative on frers, Period is due in 2 days. It would have shown by now if i was pregnant. I'm getting cramping pains too so I expect the spotting to start tonight or tomorrow.

I will never buy those One Step tests again, nothing but indents/evaps and false positives. Awful brand.

Once again, I would just like to take this opportunity to tell the universe to go shove a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire right up its cruel arse 🖕😡 fuck you, life.

Op I asked a question with no response from you. I wondered if you had had a day 21 progesterone test through the GP?

OP doesn't owe you a response. Did you not read her post?

The OP has been ttc for 5 years, I'm sure she has managed to google or sought advice on such things 🙄

As someone who also suffered infertility for 5 years, I’m just trying to be helpful

OP, I hear you. Went through 6 years of shite before having my DS at not quite 40. Miscarriages, surgery, sepsis after botched IVF (thanks NHS, that was a fun Christmas in 2018), private IVF at a cost of £££. I was ‘the last woman standing’ amongst my group of friends and there were so many times when it felt like we took one step forward and two back.

Like a PP has suggested, I found it helped to have stock responses to the thoughtless questions. Also, to be honest with friends when invited to baby showers, christenings etc and explain why you don’t feel able to attend- because if they are true friends they should be able to put themselves in your shoes and understand how hard those events are for you. If they’re not then screw them!

It is utterly, utterly shit. All you can do is try and focus on the things that are in your control- I found that running helped, also planning trips that I wouldn’t be able to
do with a little person in tow. And writing lists of good things that had happened each day, however small.

Sending love xx

I hear you and I’m sorry you (and PP) are going through it.

I experienced it for 10 years and as a team leader had to deal with maternity leaves / babies / miscarriages for other people whilst I was told

“you have clearly decided to be a career woman”

and a presumption from everyone that I didn’t desperately want children. It was horrific, I have no idea of how many tears / miscarriages I experienced over the time, I made a conscious effort not to remember them

It did change for us, after I had had years of bereavement therapy, apparently I wasn’t going through the menopause. I have no idea what changed or why.

Sending love

Did you not read OP’s posts, or did you not understand them? You are part of the problem

I’m so sorry OP. This time of year throws a horrible spotlight on anything grief-y or what you feel as lacking in your life. It’s shot anyway, but it feels shitter right now. Yay.

I could have written this a few years ago (in fact I'm sure I wrote something eerily similar on a PCOS fertility site I used to frequent). NINE YEARS!! Nine sodding years temping, scrutinising cervical mucus, digging deep to try and feel where my cervix was that day and whether it felt open! I kid you not. Nine years of other peoples pregnancy announcements and questions and doctor visits and medication and sympathetic looks. Nine years of trying ANY magic solution. "My aunty got pregnant after 100 years of trying cos she drank cough syrup from CD6 through to CD 14." So I'd chug that down my neck with a pineapple juice chaser because someone else reckoned that they knew someone who had gotten pregnant because they had consumed 784 litres of pineapple juice within 30 seconds of conception. I'd have done literally anything to get pregnant. I totally understand where you are coming from!! Six women got pregnant in my team at work! All at the same time then to top it all off my sister on law announced she had accidentally got pregnant with number 4!!!! I remember coming home one night and screaming and crying so much, I thought I would never stop. I totally understand how you feel and I really hope everything falls into place soon.

I have been to the doctor. She did blood tests and discovered I have a thyroid problem, put me on medication and refused to help me beyond that.

The reason she refused to help me further is because I am overweight. My weight has been up and down like a yo-yo over the last 5 years, I can lose it, but keeping it off is impossible for me.

I didn't want to go into this tbh because I am sure many posters will now tell me it's my own fault I'm not conceiving because I am fat and I don't deserve help until I lose all the weight and keep it off, just like my doctor believes (not aimed at anyone personally as you all have been lovely, but I know some folk will think this way and I expect some comments)

Bearing in mind I could have PCOS, endo or anything else that is affecting my fertility, but I am fat so not worthy enough to be referred for tests to investigate.

To everyone on this thread, thank you for letting me blow off steam, moan, bitch, rant, rage, and those who understand what I'm going through.

I am still feeling so down in the dumps, the past few days have been so, so difficult. I love my family and I'd do anything for my nieces and nephews, but it's hard and I just want what the rest of my siblings have.

So sorry OP. I hope it happens for you. It never did for me and I'm in my fifties now. I'm lucky in that I have some lovely grown up stepchildren. But it all took some coming to terms with. Which I hope you can also do in time. But I'm sorry if you have to do that.

Op massive people have babies. I had to loose 3 stone for my first lot of ivf. It was hard. I put it all back on again because I'm an emotional eater, which is a vicious circle when going through this shit. Unless you're going to say that you are like 25 stone, and that's causing irregular periods, it won't be the causing factor.
We had 5 years of unexplained infertility. During that time it was blamed on my weight. We then discovered that I had endometriosis through keyhole surgery, which they lasered off. Then after 5 years, and I think it was 3 or 4 miscarriages at that point, I went into hospital to have the miscarriage and they did genetic testing on the fetus, this discovered a genetic issue which meant we could have genetic testing, turns out my DH is a carrier of a chromosome translocation. On top of this I lost a Fallopian tube in the early TTC years due to a ruptured ectopic.
Years of misery and subsequent comfort eating I put 6 stone on while TTC.

It's easy for people to stand on the outside looking in judging, it's easy in the first couple of years do all the things your told will make conceiving happen, eat healthy, cut caffeine, exercise... but you soon realise that it's bullshit as none of those things will fix the actual medical issues that prevent being able to get pregnant or carry a baby to term.

So to all the judgy bastards OP, I say Fuck. Right. Off.

Yeah, funny how the people who suggest this never want to adopt themselves!

Op

thyroid issues prevent pregnancy. I was going to ask you about it and you have mentioned you are on meds for it. How long have you been on the meds?

I know you don’t want anything from this thread but I am telling you I know very overweight people who have conceived multiple times so it really isn’t that so don’t dig yourself out over it

google thyroid and infertility there is solutions to it if that is the cause

try a more sympathetic doctor next time - a female - older perhaps

Rant away ❤️ It breaks my heart for those in the same position.