Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?

[TheWayItAllWouldGo]

I am just done.

I hate my fucking body. I hate being the only childless one in my family. I hate the ovulation tracking, the pleading to the universe, the fucking 2 million pregnancy tests I've taken every month for the last 5 years.

The late periods.

The faulty tests and evap lines.

The stabbing pain in my heart when I see that light spotting yet again.

The having to schedule sex around my fucking fertility app.

The lovely pregnancy announcements I've seen from people I know lately.

The "when are you having kids?"

The "just stop stressing and it will happen"

The "we are blessed" posts

The crying.

The loneliness.

The pain.

I hate it all.

Yes I've been to the doctor. please don't offer me any advice. I just need to swear, cry and profess my hatred for life and how utterly cruel it is. I will go back to being happy for everyone tomorrow and nobody will ever know how deeply heartbroken I am.

Well said OP. Another year for me without a baby in my tummy or arms too.

I had a particularly triggering moment earlier in the week - I purchased some alcoholic Christmas crackers in the sale after Christmas last year and remember so clearly thinking to myself - I'll not be able to use those next year as I'll be pregnant or breast feeding so I'll just watch my family use them. I've looked at those crackers every month and felt a stab each time. Today I took them downstairs and just cried and cried knowing that another year has passed without a baby. Sounds minor but it just killed me.

Xx

Well that didn't take long!

Did you not realise when our ovaries and uteruses (uteri?) don't work properly our brains also don't work properly and we aren't clever enough to realise we could adopt...?

If I had a pound for everyone who had told me I could adopt, I could have afforded a another round of IVF!

💐 I'm sorry that you are in this position. It must suck big time. I hope that all the other aspects of your life are good and that you can find happiness or even just acceptance somehow.

Not helpful.

Really feel for you and get where you are coming from. Sometimes you just want to rang against everyone and everything, particularly at this time of year. Remember doing it down the phone once when my poor mum just rang to ask me something trivial and MN wasn’t a thing.

I am so sorry, infertility invades every part of your life and poisons happy occasions. Wishing you well for 2023.

So sorry OP, it's fucking unfair

I’m with you OP, I could’ve written that word for word.

It can all fuck off, Christmas is a really fucking tough time when you’re going through all this and I want to hide under a rock and have it all go away.

Sending you love and strength, it’s never going to happen for me and I’ve almost come to terms with it, but it will always be an ache in my heart.

I’m really sorry OP 💐

You have every right to be angry op - it is not fair how some people can have as many babies as they want and you are unable to even have one that you know would be so loved.

So sorry xxx

Op I don't really have any words but just sending you love & and sorry about all the know it alls on here xxxx

I hear you and I am so sorry. Thanks for this post.

I'm so sorry. I know someone going through the same and am still baffled by the comments she gets. The worst one I've personally heard when with her is "So when are you going to give your husband a baby?" Awful.

Recently she's been enjoying blunt replies to the questions: "Never, I'm infertile." That shuts them up pretty fast.

I'm so sorry, have a strong drink and tell people to go fuck themselves.

I am so sorry. We're 5 years in, multiple losses, expensive treatment, ivf, still no living baby 💔 it's heartbreaking. We're hiding from the world today. Sending love xx

I hear you, it's horrific. Sending lots of love

I’m so sorry.

I’ve been there. It’s utterly shit. The advice is shit. Many of the doctors are shit. It destroys so many friendships. Biology is a traitor.

One survey of women who’d had cancer and also had infertility found that they said the infertility was so much harder to deal with.

Good luck. xxx

I am baffled as to why you chose to comment on this thread? The trouble with "I am childless by choice," people you don't ACTUALLY know that do you? It is just a very smug and misinformed thing to say. You have really no business being here. Merry Christmas!

The poster was posting after midnight and I didn't want her to think no one was listening as Mumsnet was very quiet at that time - I thought I had made it clear in my post that I was simply listening although I couldn't relate to the OP's struggles - the first thing I said was 'I can't relate'.

I wish you all the best.

I am here. I am reading all your posts. Thank you for replying.

I am very glad Ivf and adoption have worked out for some people on thread, they are not suitable options for me unfortunately.

My period is due in another 3 days and I have been testing. Last night I got another dodgy test. It had colour but the line was far too thin and in the wrong place. Another 2 negatives this morning as I expected.

When my period comes that is us giving up for good. 5 years of this shit. We're obviously not supposed to be parents.

I'm too tired to keep fighting. The universe has won.

I’m so sorry. It’s shit and my heart breaks for you.

I was there. I never did get pregnant after god knows how many years and 3 IVFs (and PTSD from the last one).
We got our DS via adoption but when I read posts like yours it takes
me straight back. I still mourn the loss of the babies that never were.

Sending you love and I hope this year brings you everything you wish for x

Here's the dodgy test in question. As if struggling with infertility wasn't bad enough without this shit. Feels like life is just mocking me now.

This was me Christmas Day in 2011. I was just so sad, fed up, angry, tired of it all. Years of testing, treatments, a miscarriage. I spent most of that Christmas in tears mourning that I’ve never get the excitement of Christmas through my own child. I felt so broken.

Christmas 2012 was spent cuddling my amazing DD. It can and does happen!

Op I hear you. I was you.
8 bastard years we did of TTC. All of the things you described. Several rounds of ivf. 6 MC.

It fucking broke me.

And for anyone who pipes up 'have you thought about adoption?' , 'relax stop trying and it'll happen' or 'it'll happen one day keep trying' can I please shout on your behalf for them to FUCK RIGHT OFF. None of these comments are helpful or appropriate.

I made the decision that 40 was my cut off. It was breaking me. We stopped trying when I was 40 and came to terms being childless. We grieved for the child and life we'd dreamed of but came round to accepting it wasn't to be for us.

It took us time but you know what op? It's ok. Life is good. We don't have kids but we are the auntie and uncle that spoil friends kids and nieces and nephews rotten. And we spend money on whatever we like, travel, have a nice life. When we stopped trying and learnt to live with being childless, it felt like a weight lifting.

I hope it does happen for you op. But in the mean time, I hear you. It is absolutely shit. Xx

It does, but unfortunately, not to everyone. Not everyone gets their baby, no matter how many years they have been trying. No matter how many times they have prayed, pleaded, begged and cried.

I'm very glad you have your DD.