Can I just have a moany, sweary, hateful rant about infertility?

[TheWayItAllWouldGo]

I am just done.

I hate my fucking body. I hate being the only childless one in my family. I hate the ovulation tracking, the pleading to the universe, the fucking 2 million pregnancy tests I've taken every month for the last 5 years.

The late periods.

The faulty tests and evap lines.

The stabbing pain in my heart when I see that light spotting yet again.

The having to schedule sex around my fucking fertility app.

The lovely pregnancy announcements I've seen from people I know lately.

The "when are you having kids?"

The "just stop stressing and it will happen"

The "we are blessed" posts

The crying.

The loneliness.

The pain.

I hate it all.

Yes I've been to the doctor. please don't offer me any advice. I just need to swear, cry and profess my hatred for life and how utterly cruel it is. I will go back to being happy for everyone tomorrow and nobody will ever know how deeply heartbroken I am.

I'm so sorry that life treats us like shit @TheWayItAllWouldGo.. I cant have children for other reasons but im devastated.
Only the meds I take stop me from being upset all the time about the situation.

Im 46 now but because I look younger I still get asked by people at work colleagues & the public, have I got children, no, oh there's time for you yet...
I haven't started the menopause so it is technically possible and that is what's most upsetting as for good health reasons I can't give birth or care for a child.

So my situation is different but my pain is the same.

I hear you OP. I can't have children for other reasons rather than infertility, but it's utterly heartbreaking and Xmas just feels like an awful terrible ordeal every year. Every year I think it might be easier but it isn't, I just feel bereft.

@SaltySeaBird I'm happy it worked out for you but comments like this do not inspire or help those that it doesn't work out for.

I remember those days , it was so dark . Looking back I wish I'd been kinder to myself instead of feeling guilty or embarrassed at how I was feeling. Christmas was the absolute worst , I would pretend it wasn't happening .
I'm in my 50s now so obviously that ship has sailed but it doesn't hurt so much . I'm grateful for my DH and I know we're very fortunate in lots of ways .
What I wanted someone to tell me was ' you won't always be in this much pain .'
You will rebuild your life .Let yourself grieve, the future you pictured has been taken but there is still a future and opportunities and happier times to come , I promise.
Sending you love this Christmas .

@TheWayItAllWouldGo thank you for starting this thread. I can't agree more with you how bloody hurtful all the process is.

The waiting and hope every single month and yet another Christmas with just two of us and a cat. Thinking about it every single day. There was no day in my life for the last 2 years I did not think about it. I told this to my DH which he found very surprising. I try not to let depression overtake me for his sake but it is difficult.

The worts part my best friend has a baby and is pregnant with another one. sHe keeps on ranting how difficult the sleepless nights and the pregnancy is on her. I want to scream at her to shut up and stop moaning. I would give everything to be at her place.

I'm allegedly in 2ww now but planning to get prosecco and have good time today.

you are not alone, there's lots of us like that. Life is shit. But here we go, need to make the most of it. Merry Christmas to all of us out there!

During my nine years of trying, surgery, IVF, constant failure, I found hope in others comments and success stories against the odd. I know the pain.

Yes I know it doesn’t work for everyone. I remember how broken I felt. But for some knowing there is a chance, even is small, can bring comfort. For me it looked impossible, but ultimately we got lucky. Just because you don’t take anything positive from it, doesn’t meant that nobody will.

The first page and you get the unsolicited "advice " you didn't want! And as for basically asking you to consider adoption, how stupid do you need to be 🙄. OP I had a few false positive tests so I just gave up for a few years but you know your medical history so rant away. I hope you have a nice Christmas and as a PP said, enjoy eating, drinking and having sex just for the fun of it. 🥂

@ScrappyMoggy I'm glad you found holes in the comments. But you also were one of the ones who eventually got lucky. There are a lot of us who never got lucky and for us who had to eventually face that fact, the comments feel like a kick in the teeth. In the early years of trying we all find hope in those comments. As you come to realise you are one of the ones it's not ever happening for, you end up hating those comments.
I find people who have had fertility struggles but then gone onto have a child actually understand less than those that didn't have any problems. Because those that struggled THINK they understood because they went through part of the pain. But they didn't go through the absolutely devastating part of having to face that it actually doesn't always happen. No matter how much you want it.

Fucking autocorrect.. hope I'm the comments, not holes!

I’m so sorry 💐

@someonecookmydinnerplease totally unnecessary and as bad as the adoption comment tbh.

Oh darling, I felt every word of that. I've been there, but admittedly not as long as you. Cruel is the right word, it is so cruel and unfair how some are able to have children and some are not. I tried for so long for spiritual answers as to "why me?", I couldn't take the "it's just random" argument because it felt so exquisitely cruel, personal and painful to just be by chance. I felt I was being punished, I was so bitter about the ease in which others could get pregnant. I'm still angry that and I others have to go through it. Don't feel you have to keep your anger, hurt, disappointment in all the time, these are valid and natural feelings, even if others brand them as "negative". I really hope you get your baby, hope sometimes is all we have, but i know it can be hard to even stay hopeful. Try to remember there is a possibility it could happen and surround yourself with people who let you be you, and not those who want you to bury your feelings to be happy for them. Sending so much love, it's especially hard at Christmas.

So sorry it is utterly shit

Lovely comment.

Rant away op 💐

Sending you love and strength, OP.

Carry on ranting, my lovely,of it helps. It's bloody unfair. I remember so well crying at every period, or when friends became pregnant and I didn't.

It never happened to me. The pain has receded over time but I'll never forget the pain and anger, and every bloody idiot offering unsolicited advice.

💐💐💐💐

??

Yes, this. If the positive stories help others on the thread, that's fantastic. But I find them frustrating, hurtful, a bit like rubbing salt into the wounds if I'm honest.

I appreciate they are not meant to be taken that way and no hate towards the posters who I know mean it in kindness.

But it's just how I feel. I'm so heart broken and angry and don't really want to read success stories, or helpful advice or suggestion of adoptions. My heart can't take it

I just want to be angry and upset and tell the world to go fuck itself. I just want to rant and offload to complete strangers because I can't talk to anyone in real life except for DH.

I just want to be a mum.

It's awful and so unfair. Eats away at your sense of self and you feel like the unluckiest person in the world. I've been there, but many years ago. Life does move on, in one way or another, eventually, but it is hell to go through.

❤

@TheWayItAllWouldGo I am in exactly the same position. Even down to the dodgy tests and the 5 years trying. The tears and heartache month after month. The kick in the stomach when there's yet another pregnancy announcement. The boring sex life as everything has to be planned down to the day. My period was late this month but again, negative test after negative test and it finally arrived yesterday so I can spend my Christmas Day a sobbing mess and in agony.

Sending you so much love from another person clearly not destined to be a parent even though it's all my heart wants ❤️

I'm so sorry OP. It's just grinding misery and so shit. Sending you love xx

I agree OP, I'm sorry for you and I sympathise.

Having a rotten Xmas here... with a stressful family member and their house so walking on egg shells and feeling loads of upset and anxiety. They have two beautiful children though who I adore but they're a ridiculously highly stressed individual and snaps at them constantly (and everyone else) I feel so angry and jealous that they get to have them and I don't!

Had my first ever pregnancy last month after 5 years but ofc it ended in chemical. Just started my period again a few days ago. And my partner's lack of commitment etc is making me feel like I really need to break up with him and start all over again at 36, hoping to meet someone and even have enough time to begin the process all over again before I run out of time (premature ovarian failure). And I love him desperately so don't want to have to do this (again!!) but he's being wishy washy about trying ivf or even trying properly again so I'm trying to tell myself I've got more chance of having a baby with someone who'll do everything to make one...and he won't...so I've got to hope I can find another man who does...

All I see on social media are the happy family posts, including two friends who have both got pregnant within the first month of trying/not even trying!!

it's all so, so unfair..

Rant all sounds very understandable and legit in the circumstances OP!

I'm so sorry OP.
If I could be there to let you rant and scream and cry in my arms I would.