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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
LipsSoScarlet · 21/12/2022 23:46

Fadedpicture · 21/12/2022 23:33

The pavement thing is to protect you from splashes, not from being hit by a car 😆

Show quote history

I had a housemate many years ago who told me he would walk on the side of the road to protect me from a car hitting me. Absolutely baffled me! It was definitely cars and not puddles he thought he was protecting me from as well.

Dee9409 · 21/12/2022 23:58

I think considering the recent attacks on women you should be thankful that two people walked you home whatever the gender. Why would you take a risk these days. Like another poster said if something would have happened they would be questioning themselves. Obviously they are decent and walked you home. What is wrong with people these days? So ungrateful for common sense basic manners. It’s not misogynistic for someone to walk you home. In fact it’s decent and worthy of respect. If you can’t see that then there is something wrong, it was a kind act and just take it as that. They were just looking out for you. If you hate the fact that people were making sure you were home safe then you’re the one with issues. Anything can happen and we all need to look after one another. What you are saying comes across as ungrateful and self centred, maybe you have a complex from the past to something that has affected you, you should be thanking these guys. Yes it is unsafe for women out there, yes they ignored your wishes but they cared about your safety and that is more important. There are some crazy people out there and numbers are safety. Well done to those guys.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2022 00:01

Why would you take a risk these days.

Like walking home alone with two almost-strangers?

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2022 00:02

What you are saying comes across as ungrateful and self centred, maybe you have a complex from the past to something that has affected you, you should be thanking these guys.

Whereas what you're saying comes across as extremely ignorant, illogical, misogynist, gaslighting and victim-blaming.

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2022 00:04

Maybe op doesn't want random men knowing where she lives? What if one of them is a weirdo and starts stalking her now? So people you know vaguely can follow you home now?

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2022 00:05

Also a lone man is statistically more at risk than a lonely woman. Granted not of sexual assault but of being mugged or assaulted.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 22/12/2022 00:05

I think it's very thoughtful. I'm a female and I would do the same (walk a friend or have her talk in the phone to me if she was having to walk by herself). It's definitely not controlling, sad that you might see it that way

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2022 00:05

Lone not lonely!

Dee9409 · 22/12/2022 00:05

There was no victim thanks to these kind humans who looked after another human. Basic manners.

LipsSoScarlet · 22/12/2022 00:06

Dee9409 · 21/12/2022 23:58

I think considering the recent attacks on women you should be thankful that two people walked you home whatever the gender. Why would you take a risk these days. Like another poster said if something would have happened they would be questioning themselves. Obviously they are decent and walked you home. What is wrong with people these days? So ungrateful for common sense basic manners. It’s not misogynistic for someone to walk you home. In fact it’s decent and worthy of respect. If you can’t see that then there is something wrong, it was a kind act and just take it as that. They were just looking out for you. If you hate the fact that people were making sure you were home safe then you’re the one with issues. Anything can happen and we all need to look after one another. What you are saying comes across as ungrateful and self centred, maybe you have a complex from the past to something that has affected you, you should be thanking these guys. Yes it is unsafe for women out there, yes they ignored your wishes but they cared about your safety and that is more important. There are some crazy people out there and numbers are safety. Well done to those guys.

This isn’t serious is it? You seem really angry that she wouldn’t want to be walked home. She didn’t know that these men weren’t a threat to her.

If by “a complex from the past” you mean that she might have experienced SA, then surely that’s a very good reason not to feel comfortable with these men walking her home. It’s not a complex! I find this type of response so, so strange from someone that I presume is a woman.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2022 00:07

Me and a friend, going home after a late night:

Me: are you okay getting home?
Friend: yes I'll jump in this taxi. You?
Me: yes, I'm going to walk.
Friend: Give me a text when you get back?
Me: will do.

Or let's say with a male friend:

Friend: do you want me to walk back with you? Or get a taxi?
Me: no thanks. I'm happy to walk.
Friend: are you sure? It's late. I don't mind walking with you.
Me: yes, I always walk this way. Actually I prefer walking by myself, gives me time to think. Don't worry at all.
Friend: okay. As long as you're sure.

Why is that so hard?

LipsSoScarlet · 22/12/2022 00:09

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2022 00:05

Also a lone man is statistically more at risk than a lonely woman. Granted not of sexual assault but of being mugged or assaulted.

Yes, I always say this to men who insist that I’m vulnerable as a lone woman. They’re usually surprised to learn that they’re actually more at risk as the media has done such a good job at convincing us that women are always the more vulnerable ones.

DearyMe571 · 22/12/2022 00:10

I'm just not sure that gives them the right to arbitrarily override me

But wasnt their aim was it? They wanted to make sure you got home safely. I dont think either of them were trying to "override" what you wanted.

They clearly just wanted to make sure you got home safetly. Why are you trying to turn it into a negative?

Buteverythingsfine · 22/12/2022 00:19

There's not a whole heap of difference in the risk to men and women in terms of assault on the street, I think it's just slightly riskier for men but pretty much the same. The thing driving up the higher violence against men is other drunk men, so risk of being hit in a pub or club.

In this instance, though there were two men walking together so that changes the risk.

I think they should have listened to you and I also wouldn't want to give my home address to anyone I didn't know well. I would ask to be dropped at the end of the road.

MissTrip82 · 22/12/2022 05:37

They should have listened to you.

There are a lot of women in this thread with an extremely poor grasp of what constitutes risk. By far the most risky thing you’ll ever do is have a male domestic partner.

dayslikethese1 · 22/12/2022 06:01

I can't believe all these replies saying OP should have let 2 near strangers walk her home and know her address. And the fact they wouldn't take no for an answer even when OP was close to her house. Much much less risky for OP to walk alone 15 minutes imo.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 22/12/2022 06:06

I think it’s a nice thing of them to do. They (hopefully) realise the dangers out there especially at this time of year when it’s darker and people have had sometimes too much to drink.

HollyDollyChristmas · 22/12/2022 06:38

Feeling unsafe in a cab vs a 15 minute walk home alone at 11pm. Definitely the lesser of two evils.

Your escorts home have believed they’re doing the right thing to keep you safe. But in doing so disregarding your wishes. They didn’t attack you, we’ll never know whether unaccompanied you would have been ok. I suppose they made it about them despite thinking that it was about you. They’re damned if they do, damned if they don’t here.

HowVeryBizarre · 22/12/2022 07:09

They probably didn’t want you to be the next morning’s headlines as “woman murdered/raped after a night out”. There seems to have been so much random violence against women in the UK recently. I think it’s pretty sad that a generous gesture is seen so negatively these days.

MagpiePi · 22/12/2022 07:15

AndrewGloubermanisaperv · 21/12/2022 15:56

Think of it from their POV, if god forbid anything did happen after you declined the offer, they would have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Definitely not their fault but would haunt them.

#BeKind?

Heaven forbid that a woman should make up her own mind or trust her instincts in case the men get upset.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 22/12/2022 07:22

It's not clear how well you know and trust these men.

If the answer is 'not much' I agree with you that it's probably safer to make your own way home.

Jewel1968 · 22/12/2022 07:29

If they were friends it would not bother me but if they were less than friends it would. I have been lectured by well meaning but serious colleague/friend when I told him how late I made my way home through the streets of London. That had a bigger impact as I started to think like him the next time I was out. I found that limiting.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2022 07:33

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 22/12/2022 07:22

It's not clear how well you know and trust these men.

If the answer is 'not much' I agree with you that it's probably safer to make your own way home.

The OP stated up thread that she doesn't know them well - more like FOAF in a wider social circle.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2022 07:38

HowVeryBizarre · 22/12/2022 07:09

They probably didn’t want you to be the next morning’s headlines as “woman murdered/raped after a night out”. There seems to have been so much random violence against women in the UK recently. I think it’s pretty sad that a generous gesture is seen so negatively these days.

Trouble is, statistically, she was actually at greater risk from these men. Add in their unwillingness to take No for an answer and that ups the stats further.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2022 07:40

Dee9409 · 21/12/2022 23:58

I think considering the recent attacks on women you should be thankful that two people walked you home whatever the gender. Why would you take a risk these days. Like another poster said if something would have happened they would be questioning themselves. Obviously they are decent and walked you home. What is wrong with people these days? So ungrateful for common sense basic manners. It’s not misogynistic for someone to walk you home. In fact it’s decent and worthy of respect. If you can’t see that then there is something wrong, it was a kind act and just take it as that. They were just looking out for you. If you hate the fact that people were making sure you were home safe then you’re the one with issues. Anything can happen and we all need to look after one another. What you are saying comes across as ungrateful and self centred, maybe you have a complex from the past to something that has affected you, you should be thanking these guys. Yes it is unsafe for women out there, yes they ignored your wishes but they cared about your safety and that is more important. There are some crazy people out there and numbers are safety. Well done to those guys.

Don't be ridiculous.

  • The sex of the two men matters. Men (as in the sex) commit the overwhelming level of violence against women and nearly all the sexual violence.
  • Rape and sexual assault in this country are largely punishment free crimes.
  • Women are most likely to be sexually assaulted and/or raped by someone they know.
  • Stranger danger/stranger rape is the rarer occurrence.
  • the risky strategy here is not walking the familiar distance home but allowing two men she slightly knows to walk her home from the pub after a drink.

What exactly do you think the chances are of her being believed if these two "nice" guys sexually assault her and then say she invited them in after a few drinks?

Women should not be told to feel "grateful" and guilt tripped into the risky behaviour here - which is allowing two men she knows but not well to follow her home.

Gods reading some of these responses its no surprise that its practically impossible to secure a rape conviction in the UK. We are supposed to be "grateful" for being coerced into company with the very group most likely to attack us.