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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 09:52

If course all your husbands and sons are wonderful, but you know not all men are

The 'My Nigel wouldn't do a thing like that' effect. It ignores that somebody's husband/boyfriend/son is doing just that.

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 09:52

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 09:50

I walked to the supermarket. But I have no problem with walking home late at night, either.

Show quote history

I don't have a problem either however I'd feel much safer in a group of people.

ScrollingLeaves · 22/12/2022 09:52

No man should insist.

It is terrible beyond words that some men offering to help get someone home will be using chivalry as a disguise for their predatory intentions. That really happens.

On the other hand, it is also a horrible fact that a woman alone will often be a target. I don’t agree it is rare. Right from childhood we know someone somewhere will be waiting.

There was an experimental questionnaire given to college students once, which did not use the word rape, just certain scenarios. It found that one in eight would rape if they thought they’d get away with it. I am not sure how well the questions would apply to ‘walking someone home’ but it must have some relevance.

But it is a shame that all those other good men who want to help, and who would be a help in making someone like me feel safer, are not wanted as protectors. That used to be a role lots of men felt proud of. It is a shame that ‘protecting’ has to be suspect because it is the other side of the same coin which has ownership, and being able to overpower, stamped on the other side.

Fadedpicture · 22/12/2022 09:52

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 09:51

If they actually said no i don't want you to that's different. The OP saying she's fine to me reads very differently.

Show quote history

Because no only means no when a man (or you?) thinks she's making the right decision?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 22/12/2022 09:52

Are you reading a different thread?? The OP said no quite clearly several times and they did it anyway cos you know women aren’t allowed to decide for themselves

Theeyeballsinthesky · 22/12/2022 09:53

Sorry that was to Flirty

and again - she didn’t know these men! They weren’t friends, they weren’t filled he’s , they were friends of friends

Theeyeballsinthesky · 22/12/2022 09:53

Colleagues ffs

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 09:55

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 09:51

If they actually said no i don't want you to that's different. The OP saying she's fine to me reads very differently.

Show quote history

Se we're back to the question I asked yesterday - how forcefully and how often does a woman have to say no before it's taken seriously?

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 09:56

Fadedpicture · 22/12/2022 09:52

Because no only means no when a man (or you?) thinks she's making the right decision?

Show quote history

I have made an error I never usually do and just read the OP, I have read on and she does say she said no several times soon that case I wouldn't expect any man to insist. Saying I'll be fine and saying no are totally different. As she did say no then that is different and they should have let her be.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 09:57

however I'd feel much safer in a group of people

The logical corollary to that is that if you aren't part of a group you can't go out because you don't feel safe. What if you don't have a group?

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 09:58

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 09:55

Se we're back to the question I asked yesterday - how forcefully and how often does a woman have to say no before it's taken seriously?

Show quote history

Saying I'm fine is not saying no. If I didn't want someone to do something I would sayno, not I'll be fine FFS. I was commenting on the OP which I have now realised was wrong as OP further down says she said no.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2022 09:59

Saying I'm fine is not saying no

"Ooh you look lonely in that bed on your own shall I come keep you warm?"
"I'm fine"
Man gets in anyways

Who is in the wrong here?

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 10:00

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 09:57

however I'd feel much safer in a group of people

The logical corollary to that is that if you aren't part of a group you can't go out because you don't feel safe. What if you don't have a group?

I'd get a cab. But if you're happy walking at night alone then its fine, we're all different and also live in very different places. I have been in a couple of horrible situations when I have walked home alone in the past so wouldn't even want to put myself at risk again, I don't believe it's that small a risk TBH.

astronewt · 22/12/2022 10:02

It's been repeatedly proved in research that both women and men understand a "soft no" perfectly, and the whole "but did you really, clearly yell NO, because he might not have understood that you meant no" is victim-blaming bullshit.

Everybody understands that "I'm fine, thanks" means no. Some people just find it convenient to exploit the weakness they perceive in it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 10:04

astronewt · 22/12/2022 10:02

It's been repeatedly proved in research that both women and men understand a "soft no" perfectly, and the whole "but did you really, clearly yell NO, because he might not have understood that you meant no" is victim-blaming bullshit.

Everybody understands that "I'm fine, thanks" means no. Some people just find it convenient to exploit the weakness they perceive in it.

I thought it is pretty obvious that 'I'm fine' is a soft polite 'No thanks.' Clearly women have to be more forceful - but then of course we're strident and shrill.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2022 10:05

Ilkleymoor · 22/12/2022 08:43

Realistic not chauvinistic. Had this once, friend at uni insisted on walking me back to my house. Found out the next morning that a woman had been raped by a stranger who had attacked multiple women in the area, on the path to the her door, a little bit further down my street and around the time I would have been walking alone.

I am very glad he insisted. I felt more social embarrassment as it was out of his way but since then I have always been cautious.

Statistically you are more likely to be raped by that nice bloke you know a bit who walked you home after a few drinks than by a stranger.

You know about the stranger rapes that night due to the publicity they get. How many women were raped that night by people they knew? Most of whom won't even report it because of victim blaming and being treated as the criminal with every aspect of their behaviour interrogated.

ScrollingLeaves · 22/12/2022 10:06

FlirtyMelons · Today 09:58

“MrsDanversGlidesAgain · Today 09:55
Se we're back to the question I asked yesterday - how forcefully and how often does a woman have to say no before it's taken seriously?”
Show quote history

Saying I'm fine is not saying no. If I didn't want someone to do something I would sayno, not I'll be fine FFS. I was commenting on the OP which I have now realised was wrong as OP further down says she said no.

I do think that, I’m fine, thanks absolutely means, “No”. It is a polite way of saying it.

It certainly does not mean, “In answer to your offer to take me home, I just want to let you know I feel healthy and well tonight”.

People often say “I’m fine, thanks”, in answer to “Would you like a drink/another helping of food etc”. It means “No”

Seeingadistance · 22/12/2022 10:09

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 16:02

Why do we bother telling girls and young women that they have the right to say no to a man and no man has the right to override their wishes, and to trust their instincts, when we’re then willing to change it about and say “oh well, if he was nice, and said that he was only doing it for your benefit, then you shouldn’t mind him ignoring you saying no. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Be kind.”

I’ve been ambulating myself around London, after dark and often inebriated, among many strangers, perfectly successfully, for many years. I’d feel far more intimidated by men I vaguely knew socially wanting to take me home and not accepting that I didn’t want them to by refusing to leave me alone.

This.

I’m feeling surprised and quite despondent about so many people telling the OP she should be grateful that these men ignored her refusal to be walked home. What about the OP’s autonomy and right to make decisions for herself and have those decisions respected?!

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 10:09

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2022 09:59

Saying I'm fine is not saying no

"Ooh you look lonely in that bed on your own shall I come keep you warm?"
"I'm fine"
Man gets in anyways

Who is in the wrong here?

That's all very well however many women say 'I'm fine' to be polite in order to not upset or put someone out. I wouldn't say I'm fine if someone asked to get in bed with me, I'd say no. The man is obviously in the wrong regardless.

LadyGAgain · 22/12/2022 10:11

Too many women are attacked/raped/missing/murdered. What they did was kind and considerate. It's ok to be a feminist and still accept male help when it might save your life.

astronewt · 22/12/2022 10:15

Too many women are attacked/raped/missing/murdered

Nearly all of them by men they knew, men who walked home with them.

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 10:27

ScrollingLeaves · 22/12/2022 10:06

FlirtyMelons · Today 09:58

“MrsDanversGlidesAgain · Today 09:55
Se we're back to the question I asked yesterday - how forcefully and how often does a woman have to say no before it's taken seriously?”
Show quote history

Saying I'm fine is not saying no. If I didn't want someone to do something I would sayno, not I'll be fine FFS. I was commenting on the OP which I have now realised was wrong as OP further down says she said no.

I do think that, I’m fine, thanks absolutely means, “No”. It is a polite way of saying it.

It certainly does not mean, “In answer to your offer to take me home, I just want to let you know I feel healthy and well tonight”.

People often say “I’m fine, thanks”, in answer to “Would you like a drink/another helping of food etc”. It means “No”

No it clearly doesn't to everyone so maybe people should be clearer.

I have already admitted I was wrong in only reading the OP, further down she has said she said no repeatedly.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 10:27

It's ok to be a feminist and still accept male help when it might save your life

I'm intrigued by this assumption that being a feminist means you don't want male help. I'd regard myself as a feminist, I'm related to several men, I married one and if I need male help I'll ask for it. The OP didn't want male help, she didn't ask for it because as far as she was concerned she was capable of getting home safely by herself (so clearly didn't think that her life was endangered) and she said so. She was ignored.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2022 10:30

LadyGAgain · 22/12/2022 10:11

Too many women are attacked/raped/missing/murdered. What they did was kind and considerate. It's ok to be a feminist and still accept male help when it might save your life.

The point here is that she didn't want the help and they continued to enforce it. Where does that fit for you?

FlirtyMelons · 22/12/2022 10:30

Obviously not being clear does not give man the go ahead to do something but the way the OP reads is that she said I'll be fine and they insisted and nothing further was said. In this situation had I not wanted them to walk me I would have said no I don't want you to. Not saying they were right to insist but personally I would hope that my DSs would at the least offer and ensure that a lone female is safe.