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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
Beachbabe1 · 21/12/2022 21:03

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:11

And the person waiting for her might have been one of the men walking her home.

You never know who's lurking around waiting for a lone female? being full of fear is an awful way to live your life.

Show quote history

It's not living in fear. It's being realistic! The life we live in I'm afraid

astronewt · 21/12/2022 21:04

SirCharlesRainier · 21/12/2022 20:42

This thread is actually making me extremely angry now. I can hardly believe the horrendous attitudes on here, which are presumably quite common. You realise people think these things but it's stark to see it written down.

Even in discussion of the theoretical case where OP walks home alone and is attacked - the point of concern is HOW IT WOULD MAKE THE MEN FEEL!

Anyone who has criticised the OP - fuck you.

And besides, if you want to be "walked home" by any rando, knock yourself out, but why does the OP have to consent to it when she doesn't want to? What other areas of life do you want me to have the right to overrule you "for your own good"? Pregnancy is a huge risk to a woman's health and safety, far more so than a walk, so I guess any old man has the right to stay with you to ban you from getting pregnant, for your own good?

astronewt · 21/12/2022 21:05

*want MEN to have the right to overrule you

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/12/2022 21:31

Notanotherone6 · 21/12/2022 17:48

Yes, she should, when it comes from a place of concern.

Show quote history

Jeez. Can you not think of fifty things off the top of your head that men can excuse as coming “from a place of concern”?

Overturning Roe vs Wade…the Taliban stopping women attending university…the veil in Iran…

How about we start from a place of letting women have autonomy over themselves?

ChristmasSparkleTastic · 21/12/2022 21:56

I think it's nice.

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 22:35

This thread has blown my mind.

Of course it's lovely for men to offer. But it's not lovely of them to insist after you've said no. Not taking no for an answer is a red flag.

You all need to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.

And to the women who've shared their stories on this thread, I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you've had to read so much nonsense on here today.

Yippitydoodah · 21/12/2022 22:36

Glittertwins · 21/12/2022 15:33

Some people just can't do right for doing wrong!

Mad isn’t it. Hop over to another thread and you’ll see people wanging on about ‘men taking responsibility for male behaviour’, here they are doing exactly that and being criticised for it!

rcat74 · 21/12/2022 22:38

I think it was very nice of them, and if they had not walked with you and something had happened to you it would have been horrendous for them to live with and there may have been a little bit of that in the back of their minds.

silverclock222 · 21/12/2022 22:40

I think they've been brought up well and are a credit to their parents. The fact they're male and you're female is incidental.

Yippitydoodah · 21/12/2022 22:40

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:15

Why is a woman supposed to be grateful to men for doing something she didn't ask or want them to do?

Show quote history

Because we do ask them to do it. Every time there’s a kidnap/murder of a young woman, or a stranger rape, it’s ‘why didn’t somebody just walk her home?’

We ask men to ‘take responsibility for male behaviour’ and ‘do their bit’ rather than be passive onlookers as women are harassed/threatened etc.

It sounds like they just thought the OP was being nice and didn’t want to put them out, but they were kind and really wanted to make sure she got home safely.

I would hate to be a man to be honest, nothing they do is right now.

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 22:46

rcat74 · 21/12/2022 22:38

I think it was very nice of them, and if they had not walked with you and something had happened to you it would have been horrendous for them to live with and there may have been a little bit of that in the back of their minds.

This is such a weird way of looking at it. If she'd been raped on the way home, then it would be way, way more horrendous for her than for two blokes she barely knows who made the kind offer to walk her home.

How far would you take this? "I'll feel bad if something happens to her, so I'll just follow her home." "I'll feel bad if something happens to her so I'll just come into the house with her." Where does it end?

Don't forget that she is taking a risk by having men she doesn't know walk her home. It's an extremely common scenario where women get raped and assaulted.

Boomboom22 · 21/12/2022 22:48

Personally I don't think it's very nice for 2 acquaintances to essentially follow you home when they don't know where you live, when you saus no. This is quite a common way women get attacked, they then force their way in. In court they are acquitted because you walked home with them and let them in led them on etc.
And the majority on here think mens views about women override consent. Disgusting.

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 22:49

Every time there’s a kidnap/murder of a young woman, or a stranger rape, it’s ‘why didn’t somebody just walk her home?’

I've literally never heard this said and the thought has never crossed my mind.

Women can go out alone and walk alone where and when they like. Each of us, as adults, can assess the level of risk and decide for ourselves. It's perfectly fine for men to offer to escort a woman home, but it's not okay to insist after she's said no. No means no. You know that, right?

Boomboom22 · 21/12/2022 22:49

Maybe your boyfriend won't let you go out in case something happens, maybe you shouldn't watch this in case you get upset, poor little women. I'm quite irritated!

bluebeardswife7 · 21/12/2022 23:08

helpfulperson · 21/12/2022 16:09

This just feeds into the picture of women being vulnerable creatures who need protected by men and who shouldnt be listened to because the men know best. I certainly wouldn't have wanted them to do that and in fact their chances of being attacked are higher than a women's. And if they have evil intent they now know her address.

This, I am perfectly capable of risk assessing for myself, thank you. I don't need to be infantilised, overruled and protected.

bluebeardswife7 · 21/12/2022 23:17

Being walked home is like a cup of tea ...

chary · 21/12/2022 23:27

Did you just say you're fine or did you really insist you wanted to walk alone? Had you been drinking, were you drunk at all?

I think it's complicated, a man shouldn't override a woman's decision but I've had friends tell me they are fine but I've still insisted I drop them/help them back as I don't think they were fine.

lili2308 · 21/12/2022 23:29

I think there are a couple of things going on that are maybe being mixed into one. I also personally get annoyed by some small behaviours that suggest I am weaker/need protection because I'm a woman. For example that small gesture of the man being the one who walks on the side of the road rather than a woman - kind of annoys me. Because well there isn't actually much point to it it just suggests that they can protect me with themselves from cars? Which is just a bit absurd and therefore adds no value apart from asserting that they are stronger/manlier/whatever else. However this situation is different. A woman is more likely to be attacked. It is true that it is women that only choose to not walk through parks at night or get freaked out if someone has been walking behind them for what seems like too long. That's just how it is because of the society we live in, so it makes sense they are more cautious. So them walking you home is beneficial/useful/of value and not just 'for show'. And yes ideally you shouldn't need to be walked home. But it's not them not walking you home that would stop these attacks from occurring... in terms of you saying no thanks, I think it can also be interpreted differently. As you said it's a detour so they could have assumed you are just being nice and don't want to be a hassle rather than you genuinely don't want them to walk you. Which well maybe they need to read peoples messaging and social cues a bit better. I definitely done that though - said I don't need to be walked home when offered just to be nice (though I genuinely wanted to be walked home...)

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 23:32

chary · 21/12/2022 23:27

Did you just say you're fine or did you really insist you wanted to walk alone? Had you been drinking, were you drunk at all?

I think it's complicated, a man shouldn't override a woman's decision but I've had friends tell me they are fine but I've still insisted I drop them/help them back as I don't think they were fine.

I'd had a drink but I wasn't drunk, certainly not incapable of getting myself home.

How times does an adult need to say something before you accept they mean it?

OP posts:
Fadedpicture · 21/12/2022 23:33

lili2308 · 21/12/2022 23:29

I think there are a couple of things going on that are maybe being mixed into one. I also personally get annoyed by some small behaviours that suggest I am weaker/need protection because I'm a woman. For example that small gesture of the man being the one who walks on the side of the road rather than a woman - kind of annoys me. Because well there isn't actually much point to it it just suggests that they can protect me with themselves from cars? Which is just a bit absurd and therefore adds no value apart from asserting that they are stronger/manlier/whatever else. However this situation is different. A woman is more likely to be attacked. It is true that it is women that only choose to not walk through parks at night or get freaked out if someone has been walking behind them for what seems like too long. That's just how it is because of the society we live in, so it makes sense they are more cautious. So them walking you home is beneficial/useful/of value and not just 'for show'. And yes ideally you shouldn't need to be walked home. But it's not them not walking you home that would stop these attacks from occurring... in terms of you saying no thanks, I think it can also be interpreted differently. As you said it's a detour so they could have assumed you are just being nice and don't want to be a hassle rather than you genuinely don't want them to walk you. Which well maybe they need to read peoples messaging and social cues a bit better. I definitely done that though - said I don't need to be walked home when offered just to be nice (though I genuinely wanted to be walked home...)

The pavement thing is to protect you from splashes, not from being hit by a car 😆

lili2308 · 21/12/2022 23:37

@Fadedpicture omg what! When someone first told me this was a thing - I only found out about it a few years ago (which btw was a guy that enlightened me about it) he told me it's to 'protect from the road and cars' - and I just always assumed that to be the case 😆😆 regardless even if it's splashes I think the point stands

chary · 21/12/2022 23:37

How times does an adult need to say something before you accept they mean it?

I said no twice to another slice of cake today as I didn't want to look greedy & ungrateful. When one was cut up for me & handed over I ate it.

My boss said no to backdated my promotion after I pushed for it. I went back & asked again & I got it.

chary · 21/12/2022 23:39

As you said it's a detour so they could have assumed you are just being nice and don't want to be a hassle rather than you genuinely don't want them to walk you. Which well maybe they need to read peoples messaging and social cues a bit better. I definitely done that though - said I don't need to be walked home when offered just to be nice (though I genuinely wanted to be walked home...)

exactly, most people struggle to be completely honest.

Fadedpicture · 21/12/2022 23:40

chary · 21/12/2022 23:37

How times does an adult need to say something before you accept they mean it?

I said no twice to another slice of cake today as I didn't want to look greedy & ungrateful. When one was cut up for me & handed over I ate it.

My boss said no to backdated my promotion after I pushed for it. I went back & asked again & I got it.

The cake people are annoying too 😆

chary · 21/12/2022 23:42

it was good though! 😆