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Original poster

I have every right to un-invite them, don’t I?

212 replies

asblindasabat · 21/12/2022 14:14

I’m hosting Christmas Day this year for my family and my in laws. My DH’s brother and his OH have both caught a really bad head cold / borderline flu.

They say they are coughing and spluttering, BIL has a chesty cough, sore throat, temperature etc.

We have been in contact, I’ve been wishing them to get better, as you do when someone is unwell, and they still think they can come to my house on Christmas Day!

BIL said that they will come if they feel up to it and that if they’re slightly better than what they are now, they’ll just take some lemsip and will come down and try to enjoy it as best they can.

I haven’t yet replied, I hate confrontation, but I feel a bit uneasy with them coming down here when they could be potentially still spreading an infection! Should I tell them that they shouldn’t come? At the same time, I feel a bit mean because it’s Christmas Day, we could leave the food round to their house so they can eat at home, if needs be but I don’t want myself or anyone else getting their germs.

DH says that if they’re feeling a bit better, even if not totally better, that there is no reason why they can’t come!

OP posts:
Mamma2017 · 22/12/2022 18:14

nomcachange · 21/12/2022 15:11

Gosh. Were all you germphobes this bad pre-pandemic?

This ^

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2022 18:24

Mamma2017 · 22/12/2022 18:07

Its a cold, not the bubonic plague 🙄 Why has covid turned people so hypersensitive. (This isn’t even covid for a start). So what you pick up a sniffle? You’d pick that up anywhere at this time of year. Cancelling their Christmas over this? YABU. Plus a cold most likely gone in 4 days time if they are already in the middle of it.

Did you miss the post where OP says that they're VOMITING? We aren't talking 'little sniffles' here.

If you don't mind a guest who may be vomiting, feel free to invite OP's sick relatives to your house.

Noonesperfect · 22/12/2022 18:30

Op is not germphobic , just doesn't want herself and her family catching a vomiting bug. I call that having a brain. I would never think it's ok to purposely put people at risk of catching something like that. I'm also angry 😡 on your behalf OP.

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General health
AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2022 18:32

asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 18:04

That I should think about how it will look to his
brother and his partner if i stop them from coming and that I would be upset if someone did this to me if I was sick!

Show quote history

My jaw would have hit the floor at that little piece of idiocy. Oh yes, let's put possible 'hurt feelings' ahead of his family's health, when if his relatives had the sense God gave a billy goat they wouldn't want to come in the first place! Again, this is all because he doesn't see himself as 'nursemaid in chief' and likely he also considers himself 'infection proof'.

The problem with the 'how would you feel' argument is that when you tell them your truth, that you'd NOT be upset, they always say "You're just saying that, yes you would!".

Hmmm, maybe you should book a few 'preemptive' days at the nicest hotel in town. Say maybe the 26th - 1st?

Mamma2017 · 22/12/2022 18:45

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2022 18:24

Did you miss the post where OP says that they're VOMITING? We aren't talking 'little sniffles' here.

If you don't mind a guest who may be vomiting, feel free to invite OP's sick relatives to your house.

Show quote history

Yes I did miss the vomiting bit as I was responding to the original post.
Yes that changes things of course but to be honest OP stance before she discovered he was vomiting-the bit which referred to their cold symptoms- I could not believe and was commenting on and still stand by.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 18:56

Mamma2017 · 22/12/2022 18:45

Yes I did miss the vomiting bit as I was responding to the original post.
Yes that changes things of course but to be honest OP stance before she discovered he was vomiting-the bit which referred to their cold symptoms- I could not believe and was commenting on and still stand by.

Show quote history

To be fair, even before it came to light that BIL was vomiting, they still had high temperatures which I feel is a reason in itself to cancel their attendance.

OP posts:
Mamma2017 · 22/12/2022 19:06

asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 18:56

To be fair, even before it came to light that BIL was vomiting, they still had high temperatures which I feel is a reason in itself to cancel their attendance.

Show quote history

Good for you. I personally wouldn’t dream of cancelling their Christmas days before the big day over a bit of a temperature & sniffle. A cold is a cold. Vomiting bug yes, cold symptoms, no way.

StephanieSuperpowers · 22/12/2022 19:08

The focus on the potential consequences for your carpet is a bit off, OP. It may be your primary concern or you might think it's hilarious, but I think it's clear that your DH would love his family to come and I would say that running through every excuse to forbid them, from a localised germ warfare attack to a vomited on carpet is probably quite hard for him to take.

I don't disagree with your views overall, but I can see why some posters have found your tone combatative and unsympathetic.

Unforgettablefire · 22/12/2022 19:58

Op I know how you feel.
I'm in a similar position only the other way round. I'm meant to be going to my dd for Xmas day, both her and her partner are ill and I really don't want to catch it. I'm seriously considering spending Xmas day on my own rather than take the risk.
I'm sure you can get some sort of spray to prevent catching a cold I'll look into it.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 20:40

StephanieSuperpowers · 22/12/2022 19:08

The focus on the potential consequences for your carpet is a bit off, OP. It may be your primary concern or you might think it's hilarious, but I think it's clear that your DH would love his family to come and I would say that running through every excuse to forbid them, from a localised germ warfare attack to a vomited on carpet is probably quite hard for him to take.

I don't disagree with your views overall, but I can see why some posters have found your tone combatative and unsympathetic.

I am sympathetic to them, I’ve been texting them to ask how they are.

but I don’t think I’m being off to worry about them throwing up on my carpet if I know they are vomiting at the minute.

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 22/12/2022 20:44

In reality, adults rarely vomit on carpets and you don't have to give that as another reason to not have them over to your husband. It sounds hostile and like a bit of a reach. You don't want them to come, clearly, but sometimes we don't have to say everything.

NeverTooLateToSing · 22/12/2022 20:54

Vomiting for a day seems to be part of the Influenza A which is going around. Taken with the other symptoms you’ve described, I’d lay bets that is what they have got. If they lose their voices next, then I’d say that’s it for sure. We’ve all just come out of it, and feeling completely wiped out. I’d be amazed if they feel up to socialising by Christmas.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/12/2022 20:58

No I still can't get your approach.

I would be saying to them, no pressure to come if you're still not well but no way would I be so harsh and OTT regarding the potential of illness.

I suppose I'd assume they'd have the sense not to come if very unwell - but it does sound like this might not be the case with your guests, so I do recognise you've a point there.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 21:47

StephanieSuperpowers · 22/12/2022 20:44

In reality, adults rarely vomit on carpets and you don't have to give that as another reason to not have them over to your husband. It sounds hostile and like a bit of a reach. You don't want them to come, clearly, but sometimes we don't have to say everything.

I don’t want them to come because they are sick. I don’t want them spreading their germs. It’s not hard to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 21:50

EarringsandLipstick · 22/12/2022 20:58

No I still can't get your approach.

I would be saying to them, no pressure to come if you're still not well but no way would I be so harsh and OTT regarding the potential of illness.

I suppose I'd assume they'd have the sense not to come if very unwell - but it does sound like this might not be the case with your guests, so I do recognise you've a point there.

No I still can’t get your approach

i haven’t been harsh to them. I Have still offered to cook for them if they don’t come. I think that’s actually very nice of me.

if you’re throwing up and coughing/high temperature etc and have to take the week off work, I don’t think you should be going to another person’s house for dinner.

OP posts:
Noonesperfect · 22/12/2022 22:05

You are totally right OP and have every right to un invite. People telling you otherwise are gas lighting you in my opinion.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 00:42

Turns out BIL has now developed a bout of diarrhoea…

OP posts:
ThaiDye · 23/12/2022 00:45

Tell them not to come and suggest an alternative meet up next year. There's no need to invite infection into your home. If they feel insulted they are just being selfish, there's no way to know how severely your family witfall I'll with the same bug and there's strong chances it's COVID.

ThaiDye · 23/12/2022 00:45

*will fall ill

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2022 01:26

asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 00:42

Turns out BIL has now developed a bout of diarrhoea…

Ohhh Lawdy my days!

And does DH still think you're being OTT?

Alwayssinging · 23/12/2022 06:31

I would consider moving your Christmas day celebration meal to another day when they're feeling better next week. Unless of course your food would be out of date. We often have Christmas on other dates due to working in the NHS over the festive period - it's just as special whenever you do it.

booklovingmum · 23/12/2022 07:48

I think your rule of if they've no temperature and not being sick etc they can come is fair.

Surely they wouldn't even want to come if they're feeling that unwell. My DH has had the flu this week but he's seeming better so will be coming to Christmas at my parents now but wouldn't have come before as he wouldn't want to make my DSM sick as she's not so well herself generally.

Given this is your DH family I'd be a little more cautious about how you are
Handling it. Eg, stop throwing more and more excuses at him about vomit soaked carpets and dining tables because that just comes across petty. It makes it sound like you are just finding more excuses for them to not come and takes away from your actual rational reason of that they're sick.

Tell him if they're still symptomatic on Saturday night/Sunday morning then it's just probably best that they don't come and you can do something with them once they're better.

I do have to agree though that you're coming across quite combative, don't ask for opinions if you're gonna bite the head off people who dare disagree with you or have an alternative opinion. Some people have been rude so they deserve it, but others...

Original poster
asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 10:55

Alwayssinging · 23/12/2022 06:31

I would consider moving your Christmas day celebration meal to another day when they're feeling better next week. Unless of course your food would be out of date. We often have Christmas on other dates due to working in the NHS over the festive period - it's just as special whenever you do it.

There’s no way I could that. I have other guests to consider. The others may not be able to make it if I reschedule and then that would leave them without a dinner on Xmas day.

it doesn’t revolve around BIL and his partner. They won’t be coming but they’ll still get a meal delivered to them.

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 23/12/2022 19:37

Mamma2017 · 22/12/2022 18:07

Its a cold, not the bubonic plague 🙄 Why has covid turned people so hypersensitive. (This isn’t even covid for a start). So what you pick up a sniffle? You’d pick that up anywhere at this time of year. Cancelling their Christmas over this? YABU. Plus a cold most likely gone in 4 days time if they are already in the middle of it.

Clearly, you have not this 'cold'. I am on day 10 in bed and covid was a walk in the park compared to this. A cold it is most definitely not.

Lndnmummy · 23/12/2022 19:42

asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 10:55

There’s no way I could that. I have other guests to consider. The others may not be able to make it if I reschedule and then that would leave them without a dinner on Xmas day.

it doesn’t revolve around BIL and his partner. They won’t be coming but they’ll still get a meal delivered to them.

Show quote history

I think they should count themselves lucky that you are prepared to cook for them. I think this is extremely kind of you. Your dh is being incredibly selfish not to back you up on this.

For what its worth, I'm seriosuly reconsidering the 10+ year friendship with the person that knowingly oassed this shit to me. I am in a new job and have had to be sick. Its robbed me of seeing my parents that I havent seen for 16 mnths as my dad is vulnerable and I am ot a selfish prat who would ever risk his health. I feel like death and robbed off the entire month of December. I am gutted and feel like death. Truly. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, let alone family.