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Original poster

I have every right to un-invite them, don’t I?

212 replies

asblindasabat · 21/12/2022 14:14

I’m hosting Christmas Day this year for my family and my in laws. My DH’s brother and his OH have both caught a really bad head cold / borderline flu.

They say they are coughing and spluttering, BIL has a chesty cough, sore throat, temperature etc.

We have been in contact, I’ve been wishing them to get better, as you do when someone is unwell, and they still think they can come to my house on Christmas Day!

BIL said that they will come if they feel up to it and that if they’re slightly better than what they are now, they’ll just take some lemsip and will come down and try to enjoy it as best they can.

I haven’t yet replied, I hate confrontation, but I feel a bit uneasy with them coming down here when they could be potentially still spreading an infection! Should I tell them that they shouldn’t come? At the same time, I feel a bit mean because it’s Christmas Day, we could leave the food round to their house so they can eat at home, if needs be but I don’t want myself or anyone else getting their germs.

DH says that if they’re feeling a bit better, even if not totally better, that there is no reason why they can’t come!

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 21/12/2022 21:58

I think her writing style just makes her sound like she’s lacking empathy.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/12/2022 22:10

But also, colds and virus' are just part of normal life.

Exactly this.

I wouldn't dream of uninviting someone in these circumstances.

I would leave it up to them - if they felt too ill, then they can decide themselves whether to come.

No, I wouldn't particularly want to get sick; but I wouldn't be as OTT as all this either. I accept that encountering illness in a variety of situations is part of normal life.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 21/12/2022 23:16

BananaSpanner · 21/12/2022 21:58

I think her writing style just makes her sound like she’s lacking empathy.

I’m not lacking empathy. I’ve checked in on them often and on here, I’ve made it clear that if they don’t come in the end that I will still send them their food round even though it would be very inconvenient for me to do that.

I also stated I’d do a Skype call so they can join us virtually.

I can still show sympathy for them whilst not wanting to catch their bugs. I don’t have to have them round and get their sickness just to be empathetic.

OP posts:

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General health
StopMakingAppointments · 21/12/2022 23:33

I totally agree OP. It's one thing unwittingly catching a bug but another to expose yourself willingly to someone infected.

These things can take a couple of weeks to run their course and cause you to miss work, need additional childcare (which many just don't have) not to mention you then spreading it to others.

I don't know why people would want to inflict their illness on anyone else they should do the decent thing and say they'll stay at home unless they're feeling better.

StopMakingAppointments · 21/12/2022 23:37

Now he's vomiting it would be ridiculous for him to come

Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 00:18

StopMakingAppointments · 21/12/2022 23:37

Now he's vomiting it would be ridiculous for him to come

Totally. But they still seem pretty insistent that they are coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 00:18

Really I don’t know how or why though - if I was ill I’d want to stay at home and curl up in a ball on the sofa with my blanket and Netflix on!

OP posts:
fatsocatso · 22/12/2022 01:27

Not judging either way as I can see both sides. And if high temp or vomiting, totally agree it would be madness for them to come. But I do have a question, OP.

In one post you said if high temp or vomiting they couldn't come. But in others you've said if ANY symptoms they couldn't come.

What do you do when you have an illness? Or indeed, PP who agree with this stance? Do you stay away from work/not leave the home/keep the kids off school until the very last cough, sniffle, sore throat?

According to what others have posted, we are contagious until all of those symptoms have gone and yet I don't know a single person who stays totally at home until all those symptoms have completely abated.

Andypandy799 · 22/12/2022 04:13

You need to get over yourself I have carried on attending meetings and work whilst I had the flu and I’m very small meeting rooms. If you leave your house you can also catch it so would you then cancel Xmas for everyone?

Just read and enjoy the day and stop being a drama queen

Lulu2171 · 22/12/2022 06:30

OP you're probably not being unreasonable, but my goodness you're being a sour puss about it.

toomuchlaundry · 22/12/2022 08:51

@Andypandy799 I bet you were popular!

Glassofwhatever · 22/12/2022 09:13

TwentysixV · 21/12/2022 19:25

In our family, Christmas is about spending time together, having fun, making memories (and not getting uptight if someone is coughing a bit in the middle of winter). It couldn’t be replaced by delivering a plate of food. But if it’s just about the food/eating a meal is all it is to you guys then I guess delivering the food to them would suffice. I imagine if they’re still vomiting/feeling ill then they won’t want to come and if they’re better then they won’t be infectious. But sounds like you’ve already decided they’re not invited so not sure why you started the thread.

Show quote history

Making memories? 🤮

Piscesmumma1978 · 22/12/2022 09:15

Not a chance. Especially if you have children.

I would offer to take their meals over to them though. One year my dd had a bug from 4am Christmas morning. We were having dinner at my parents so they plated it up for us and I just picked it up and went home.

OldTinHat · 22/12/2022 09:15

I've woken up with the 'germ' today. I'm supposed to travelling to stay with my family on Monday. No way will I go now, I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

You are absolutely right to uninvite them. In fact, they should uninvite themselves!

Glassofwhatever · 22/12/2022 09:17

Andypandy799 · 22/12/2022 04:13

You need to get over yourself I have carried on attending meetings and work whilst I had the flu and I’m very small meeting rooms. If you leave your house you can also catch it so would you then cancel Xmas for everyone?

Just read and enjoy the day and stop being a drama queen

Well you didn't have flu if you could attend meetings and how selfish of you to do so if you were ill. I'd hoped people might stop with all this faux heroics now

Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 09:26

Lulu2171 · 22/12/2022 06:30

OP you're probably not being unreasonable, but my goodness you're being a sour puss about it.

Why? Because I don’t want 2 sick people in my house who may infect me and others? I have already said I would deliver them their meal, to their front door! I can’t see what is sour about that!

OP posts:
Abraxan · 22/12/2022 09:28

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 15:33

sorry, but there is no such thing as "Borderline flu" They have flu, or they dont.

If they have flu, a) they wont be able to come unless they are better, becasue you haven't got the strength to socialise with proper flu! b) you will presumably have had your flu jab, so wont be vulnerable

Flu is like any other virus, such as covid.

Some people can have it mild, some are asymptomatic and some are bed ridden.

A cold is the same. Some people have a mild cold and some have a very heavy cold, and others in between.

Having flu doesn't mean you cannot get up. I thought knowing more about covid would have rid of us of this myth regarding cold and flu.

The only real way of knowing which you have it testing, which isn't routine. There are some other symptom checkers but some overlap.

Abraxan · 22/12/2022 09:36

I wouldn't base it on the cough. A cough can linger in for weeks, well after someone stops being contagious.

I've had a nasty bug for a little while and developed a chest infection just over a week ago for which I've had antibiotics.

I am still not fully well, but I'm unlikely to be contagious. I am still coughing all the time, a really loud hacking chesty cough. I can still feel it in my chest, and I'm also really tired.

Dd was poorly at university about a fortnight ago, but still has the cough and tiredness.

The coughs make us sound dreadful and poorly.

However, we are both doing stuff now and, if it wasn't school holidays, I'd have had to return to work by now.

If they are still really poorly, aching and struggling to get out of bed, vomiting (though that's possibly the cough causing it) and visibly poorly, rather than just tired and coughing, then fair enough.

Abraxan · 22/12/2022 09:38

Well you didn't have flu if you could attend meetings and how selfish of you to do so if you were ill. I'd hoped people might stop with all this faux heroics now

You have no idea if she did or didn't have flu.
Flu isn't diagnosed by seeing how I'll you are.
It's a totally different virus to a cold and flu can be mild or heavy, and even asymptomatic.

greenerfingers · 22/12/2022 09:41

I think you're being precious OP unless you have young children/vulnerable adults. If it's just a cold you can catch it everywhere. Are you always this cautious throughout winter? I wonder if covid has made everyone hyper alert/anxious. I'd just avoid hugs etc but would let them come.

thing47 · 22/12/2022 09:52

StopMakingAppointments · 21/12/2022 23:37

Now he's vomiting it would be ridiculous for him to come

I agree with this, I think the vomiting puts a slightly different complexion on the situation. Nurseries, schools and even some work places all impose a 48 hour rule on vomiting, so absolutely reasonable to do the same to house guests.

I would ring them first thing on Friday under the guise of seeing how they are feeling, ask if either of them is still being sick and act accordingly.

Shgytfgtf111 · 22/12/2022 10:06

I wonder if your issue is really more about feeling not listened or that your opinion not being taken into account by DH? It sounds like he really wants them to come and your bil really wants to as well. Could you speak to DH on Saturday and say that it doesn't make sense for them to come if they are too ill to enjoy it and you will have them over another day of Christmas if they are better so they don't missp out on the experience.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/12/2022 10:36

Abraxan · 22/12/2022 09:28

Flu is like any other virus, such as covid.

Some people can have it mild, some are asymptomatic and some are bed ridden.

A cold is the same. Some people have a mild cold and some have a very heavy cold, and others in between.

Having flu doesn't mean you cannot get up. I thought knowing more about covid would have rid of us of this myth regarding cold and flu.

The only real way of knowing which you have it testing, which isn't routine. There are some other symptom checkers but some overlap.

Show quote history

There is no such thing as borderline flu! Flu is totally incapacitating. Yes some people can spread it asymtomatically, but no, there is no such thing as "borderline" flu! I am a virologist

Original poster
asblindasabat · 22/12/2022 10:47

Nimbostratus100 · 22/12/2022 10:36

There is no such thing as borderline flu! Flu is totally incapacitating. Yes some people can spread it asymtomatically, but no, there is no such thing as "borderline" flu! I am a virologist

Show quote history

They say it was borderline flu because it’s a really really bad cold that is almost like it’s flu. They do have chesty coughs and a temperature which are two reasons to stop them coming and now BIL is vomiting.

It isn’t just a sniffle and a blocked nose.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 22/12/2022 10:55

Just to clarify, I dont work as a virologist now, I as a virologist years ago now I am a teacher