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Original poster

Christmas ruined

254 replies

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:34

me and my partner and also my dd dad have been in a rocky relationship for a while he moved out and we continued with the relationship, the plan was him stay at mine Christmas Eve as he wanted to spend it with her and watch her open her presents. We booked a light show to take dd he phoned last night and said he’s decided against it he’s taking his son Instead because he thinks dd is too young. I got upset and told him I don’t think it’s fair to cut a long story short we went half’s on presents which he kept in his and now he’s saying I’m a spoilt brat to be upset and refusing to give dd presents back and said he hates me etc I’m at a loss on how i will get them back, he’s a control freak who runs the show

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 17:27

LimeCheesecake · 21/12/2022 14:15

It’s important to remember that the courts will award his contact with his dd (if he can be arsed fighting for it), but that contact doesn’t have to include you, it doesn’t have to be in your home. He doesn’t get to have contact with you.

does this prince pay maintenance? If not, this evenings job is to apply for that.

This is what will keep me up at night

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 21/12/2022 17:46

That'll be part of the control mechanism he relies upon.

Do you really think he will put himself out for sustained, regular contact?

And you can keep a diary of failed contact, he s lack of communication, reasons given etc. Start that today...

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 17:55

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 21/12/2022 17:46

That'll be part of the control mechanism he relies upon.

Do you really think he will put himself out for sustained, regular contact?

And you can keep a diary of failed contact, he s lack of communication, reasons given etc. Start that today...

I’ve talked to my mum she is freaking out she never liked him she said she always sensed panic especially if I was to get the wrong food something small

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:09

Well done for telling your Mum
It is not easy but it is breaking his control and isolation of you
You will so free and happy once the control is broken
i promise you

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:15

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:09

Well done for telling your Mum
It is not easy but it is breaking his control and isolation of you
You will so free and happy once the control is broken
i promise you

I really do hope so I feel like crap right now

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 19:16

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 17:55

I’ve talked to my mum she is freaking out she never liked him she said she always sensed panic especially if I was to get the wrong food something small

Show quote history

As you emerge from the fog he's kept you in, there will be more times that people who love you will 'freak out' or bring up things they knew or felt about him, along with events that happened in the past that were upsetting to them. This is part of the process of 'reconnecting' with those you've been alienated from. Don't let it get to you. Just take the bits of wisdom or comfort that go along with them and keep moving forward.

BUT, don't allow anyone to 'beat you over the head' with these things. It's one thing to say something to you once or twice, another thing to bring the same things up over and over in an unkind way. If that happens, don't be afraid to speak up and quietly tell them "You've told me this before. I have heard you and taken on board what you've said. Bringing it up again is hurtful to me, so let's just drop it now".

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:23

It does feel rubbish now
I have been through this
You will be so relieved and happy when you don’t have to tolerate this anymore

But please please get counselling
They will help you set boundaries, understand how you got into this relationship so it doesn’t repeat

But it is not your fault BUT you do have the power to change

You May not have the strength atm to do this for yourself but your mantra must be
I am doing this in the best interests of my beloved daughter

Be strong

You can do this
Yes for your daughter but also for you

Do the internal work

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:24

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 19:16

As you emerge from the fog he's kept you in, there will be more times that people who love you will 'freak out' or bring up things they knew or felt about him, along with events that happened in the past that were upsetting to them. This is part of the process of 'reconnecting' with those you've been alienated from. Don't let it get to you. Just take the bits of wisdom or comfort that go along with them and keep moving forward.

BUT, don't allow anyone to 'beat you over the head' with these things. It's one thing to say something to you once or twice, another thing to bring the same things up over and over in an unkind way. If that happens, don't be afraid to speak up and quietly tell them "You've told me this before. I have heard you and taken on board what you've said. Bringing it up again is hurtful to me, so let's just drop it now".

Show quote history

She wants me to go to the police to keep him away from us

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:28

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:23

It does feel rubbish now
I have been through this
You will be so relieved and happy when you don’t have to tolerate this anymore

But please please get counselling
They will help you set boundaries, understand how you got into this relationship so it doesn’t repeat

But it is not your fault BUT you do have the power to change

You May not have the strength atm to do this for yourself but your mantra must be
I am doing this in the best interests of my beloved daughter

Be strong

You can do this
Yes for your daughter but also for you

Do the internal work

I’ve been trying to do this internal work for a while and my thoughts run away with me. I don’t want to hurt and cry no more

OP posts:
Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:32

You need a counsellor who is skilled in this area
They have seen it all before and know how to help
You not alone
So many strong women have been in this situation and become free
You can do it

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 19:37

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:24

She wants me to go to the police to keep him away from us

Show quote history

But what do YOU want to do? If you feel at all that he is a danger to you or to DD, or if he has made ANY kind of threat, even if you don't feel he will carry them out, then you probably should go to the police.

But how about this, tell Mum that you will contact Women's Aid and talk to them honestly about what's gone on with him. And that if they advise you to go to the police, you will.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:37

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:32

You need a counsellor who is skilled in this area
They have seen it all before and know how to help
You not alone
So many strong women have been in this situation and become free
You can do it

Do you think I’m a bad person for keeping him away from my little girl

OP posts:
Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:41

www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

This has many good links to help

No you are a good mother by removing your child from a very damaging situation

It is your duty as a mother

Ask your mum to help

Get help to be safe

Contact above numbers

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:45

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:41

www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

This has many good links to help

No you are a good mother by removing your child from a very damaging situation

It is your duty as a mother

Ask your mum to help

Get help to be safe

Contact above numbers

I’ve contacted woman’s aid earlier my mum and sister has said it’s gone beyond the presents now not to let him near or his mum for defending his behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:46

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 19:37

But what do YOU want to do? If you feel at all that he is a danger to you or to DD, or if he has made ANY kind of threat, even if you don't feel he will carry them out, then you probably should go to the police.

But how about this, tell Mum that you will contact Women's Aid and talk to them honestly about what's gone on with him. And that if they advise you to go to the police, you will.

Show quote history

I really don’t know what he is capable of when he’s on his own and angry all my doors and windows are locked I’ve closed my blinds

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 19:47

@Pushingdaisys listen to your mum, sister and the wise women and possibly men here.

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:50

Well done for contacting Women Aid
This is not your fault
Your Mum and sister have your and your daughter best interests
These are all big and brave steps you are doing

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:52

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 19:50

Well done for contacting Women Aid
This is not your fault
Your Mum and sister have your and your daughter best interests
These are all big and brave steps you are doing

Hopefully they’ll be able to give me some advice for the future concerning access to
my daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:54

CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 19:47

@Pushingdaisys listen to your mum, sister and the wise women and possibly men here.

I’ve took everything on board and I’m getting out of it can’t wait to feel normal again and more like my self

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 20:17

@Pushingdaisys that's good to hear. Keep the communication going with family and here. He's enjoying the control and game. He's wicked. Take away his power over you.

And get legal advice after Christmas.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 20:19

CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 20:17

@Pushingdaisys that's good to hear. Keep the communication going with family and here. He's enjoying the control and game. He's wicked. Take away his power over you.

And get legal advice after Christmas.

talking to everyone on here has been a god send in so many way all the kindness and support is overwhelming… Thank you and everyone else for the support I feel a little better ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 20:23

Life goes on and we only get one life it’s too short we’re not as this planet long I’ve been practicing meditation and spiritual meanings well before I met him and lost it as he thought is was silly and I was crackpot I’m going go get back to my old ways quiet simple spirit life

OP posts:
Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 20:34

This really helped me
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 21:55

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 19:46

I really don’t know what he is capable of when he’s on his own and angry all my doors and windows are locked I’ve closed my blinds

Show quote history

If you are locking your doors, etc then perhaps you DO know what he's capable of, perhaps you just haven't wanted to see it. No one wants to admit that they've been blind, possibly willfully, to the 'dark side' of someone they love(d). It's our nature to want to believe the best and discount any 'negative thoughts'. And abusers play that like virtuosos.

Perhaps he's just never threatened or done anything before because as long as he's been 'in control' there's been no need. Perhaps he has but you've minimized it or blocked it from memory. Perhaps you've learnt to walk on eggshells to avoid angering him. But now you are slipping away from his control, aren't you? Perhaps your mum sees this and that's why she's so insistent you speak to the police. It's still your decision, but I'm beginning to think maybe you should.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 22:03

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 21:55

If you are locking your doors, etc then perhaps you DO know what he's capable of, perhaps you just haven't wanted to see it. No one wants to admit that they've been blind, possibly willfully, to the 'dark side' of someone they love(d). It's our nature to want to believe the best and discount any 'negative thoughts'. And abusers play that like virtuosos.

Perhaps he's just never threatened or done anything before because as long as he's been 'in control' there's been no need. Perhaps he has but you've minimized it or blocked it from memory. Perhaps you've learnt to walk on eggshells to avoid angering him. But now you are slipping away from his control, aren't you? Perhaps your mum sees this and that's why she's so insistent you speak to the police. It's still your decision, but I'm beginning to think maybe you should.

Show quote history

ive got a feeling he has done it on the past come to mine early hours to check of any other man was there. I’ve recently moved to a bigger house I was in a small apartment but the apartment was secure electrical doors cameras, I feel open on the house I’ve closed all my blinds front and back

OP posts:
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