Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 19/12/2022 17:14

The more you write the more it sounds like he doesn't deserve them at all. Attendance is not court ordered and I think you said he doesn't drive? Sounds like tough shit to me, he's a shocking father and doing more harm than good. Let the courts decide, if he can be arsed. You can inform them he smokes inside the house with your unwell dd, uses them as a pawn when their mum is receiving cancer treatment, and likes to rub it in how much of an expensive inconvenience they are.
Keep them at home, fuck it.

Dontpokedoggyseyessweetheart · 19/12/2022 17:18

He's a sociopath and a narc. He's got you here using up your time and energy. Stop lifting a finger for him. Its not on you and you cannot stop them realising their fathers own nature.

Ellie1015 · 19/12/2022 17:20

He is awful. If there is a chance he is doing this to spite you then just do Christmas another day.

Just in case it works i would start talking about Christmas like you are looking forward to a cosy day in, lazy grown up Christmas with your older children, long lie, few drinks very relaxed. He might just decide he wants you to have the girls instead if he thinks it will ruin your plans.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 17:23

I think it would be best of you slowly freeze this man out of your and your children's lives, very very slow ghosting kind of thing, he's just a liability.

Sluttypants · 19/12/2022 17:25

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:55

He does have a tree and decorations... I bought them for him a couple of years back when he had nothing done and the girls were upset.

I also buy him presents from the girls and they wrap it and give it to him so he doesn't have nothing because it makes the girls sad.

God I'm just being a mug here aren't I?

I'm trying to take my feelings out of this and do right by the girls but I'm facilitating his shitty behaviour really.

I buy presents for my kids dad from them, but I do it for them, and not for him

Fireandflames666 · 19/12/2022 17:25

No way would I let my children have to deal with a Christmas like that, he sounds like a royal last piece of trash. You keep them home and let them have they Christmas they deserve.

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 19/12/2022 17:29

This

CombatBarbie · 19/12/2022 17:35

I'd be having 2 xmas' for them. I certainly wouldn't be facilitating his lack of effort. When are they due to go? Can you have christmas day early?

bloodyplanes · 19/12/2022 17:36

Let them see for themselves what a selfish pig their father really is! Don't cover for him because you will be doing yourself and your girls no favours in the long run.

fedupofthiscoldffs · 19/12/2022 17:37

My DDs dad is a waste of space. Let him dig his own grave eventually no she doesn't go there.

WilsonMilson · 19/12/2022 17:39

The years of magic are few - don’t miss out on them and send them to that arse. Honestly, what a prick!
There’s no way I would have my child having a totally shite Christmas just to keep your feckless ex happy.
If he wants them at Christmas then he has to either do a proper Christmas or tough luck.
But seriously, what a dick….he bought them a microwave and biscuits????

MeridianB · 19/12/2022 17:43

MamaFirst · 19/12/2022 17:14

The more you write the more it sounds like he doesn't deserve them at all. Attendance is not court ordered and I think you said he doesn't drive? Sounds like tough shit to me, he's a shocking father and doing more harm than good. Let the courts decide, if he can be arsed. You can inform them he smokes inside the house with your unwell dd, uses them as a pawn when their mum is receiving cancer treatment, and likes to rub it in how much of an expensive inconvenience they are.
Keep them at home, fuck it.

Yes, all of this. As PP said, he is a disgrace.

Headabovetheparakeet · 19/12/2022 17:51

MamaFirst · 19/12/2022 17:14

The more you write the more it sounds like he doesn't deserve them at all. Attendance is not court ordered and I think you said he doesn't drive? Sounds like tough shit to me, he's a shocking father and doing more harm than good. Let the courts decide, if he can be arsed. You can inform them he smokes inside the house with your unwell dd, uses them as a pawn when their mum is receiving cancer treatment, and likes to rub it in how much of an expensive inconvenience they are.
Keep them at home, fuck it.

I agree. I'd also add how much he made you pay him to look after them for a week while you were in hospital.

MadeForThis · 19/12/2022 17:58

Your ex can't refuse to take the girls while you have the operation and also complain that your bf is minding them.

Option 3.

Keep the kids. Fuck him.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 18:01

@Rantaboutmytwatofanex 💐 Sorry to hear you’ve been/are unwell.

There is absolutely nothing stopping Santa dropping the stockings off to the girls on the morning of whatever day they’re due to be with their dad (you may have said but I’m sorry, I’m skim reading and trying to get a million things done, plus my memory is like a sieve!). If that’s your main worry, just have Santa do a surprise early visit ‘since he knows they’ll be away.’

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 18:02

But I do have to say I agree with others. Given what you’ve said about him and his lack of care for them and questionable parenting, you are under no obligation to send them to stay with him!

BeeAFreeBird · 19/12/2022 18:13

For me, you do Christmas. Depending on the circumstances of your split offer to have him round to open presents or something?

The best thing about being a child is the magic of Christmas. If he’s a rubbish dad, they need the cheer all the more.

Them having a wonderful and magical Christmas full of love is the starting point. Then move back from here to figure the rest out.

And good on you for being an amazing mum!

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/12/2022 18:19

he told me he just wasn't going to look after them for me anymore

He's not going to look after them for you?

He's not going to look after them for YOU???

Christ! (And I hate to take the Lord's name in vain) - he IS a total sh*t, isn't he?

These are HIS children, too - I'm sure he claims to love them - but he's using them to make your life as difficult as possible and doesn't give a damn what happens to them.

PyjamaFan · 19/12/2022 18:24

What an utter arsehole.

I can't possibly imagine what made you split up from this peach...

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2022 18:27

You know what, you don't need that shit right now.

You need to think about what works for YOU, and fuck him. Keep them home for Xmas, and although I know it would be difficult, use your 'alternative' childcare plans with your son, partner, and your friend rather than depending on him to take them. As far as him pitching a hissy fit, hang up on him or just don't reply to his texts You don't need the stress of fretting that he's going to bomb out on you at the last minute or the expense of having to give him money to watch after his own DC. What a despicable piece of trash he is.

Worriedatwork1 · 19/12/2022 18:28

As he sounds just like my ex, although he avoids seeing them at Xmas in case he needs to do anything!
I would just do Christmas when they get home/Boxing Day, tell them before they go Santa comes to their main home and call them Christmas morning to say he has been and you can’t wait for them to get home and see what he has brought. That way they get to feel excited all day about coming home x

Wheredoallthepensgo · 19/12/2022 18:33

For everyone saying "just have Christmas on Christmas Eve" please read all OP's posts - she's updated to say it's from Friday teatime to Sunday night.

Quite liking "the car has broken down" option now as well.

KoalaKube · 19/12/2022 18:38

How’s your car OP any mechanical issues that will mean you can’t bring them over, serves him right. Shocking can’t get mechanic out on Christmas Eve for love nor money. Had a same but different situation, I hate Xmas but my girls love it because I made it special for them. PS they are in their 20s now and chosen to been NC since thieir late teens. His loss.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 18:38

Then they can have Christmas on Friday until teatime. Or Santa can bring the stockings that morning, at least, and a surprise ‘special’ breakfast. Or OP can do it whichever way works/feels right for her. The point is to do the special, magical, Santa bits ahead of time so that the children aren’t sad/upset/confused.

TBH @@Rantaboutmytwatofanex I wouldn’t be surprised if he cancels the whole thing at the very last minute as another way to get to you at their expense. What a shitty failure of a man.

beatsin8s · 19/12/2022 18:39

Dumpstertruck · 19/12/2022 17:00

OK so I'm assuming it looks like -
Monday girls stay in their house, step brother looks after them
Tuesday other brother does school drop off, your friend does pick up and they stay at hers
Wednesday your friend does drop off, DP does pick up, girls are back at home then for the rest of the week with your DP and their brothers.

I'm assuming they know and like your DP. If so that sounds absolutely fine to me OP. They get to mostly stay at home and it sounds significantly better than a week with their feckless dad who will barely look after them and use it as a stick to beat you with (and these people won't want paying either?!?!)

When you say your ex will kick off if you do the above as it involves your DP, what does that mean?

Show quote history

I agree with this and wouldn't care if ex kicked off. If he refuses to take them then what are you supposed to do? Paying twice his monthly maintenance for a week is absurd. Tell him he can keep what amounts to a weeks worth of maintenance - I mean, he works and you don't as he likes to point out?

My DC always chose to stay here Christmas Eve/morning because their Dad is rubbish with Christmas but he still buys them what they ask for and makes Christmas dinner.

Your ex is a piece of shit and you are facilitating it. I understand with their young ages you are thinking solely of your DDs (been there and did the same) but one thing I learned is if I let it happen, nothing changed. You do not need to do drop offs and pick ups, he can get a bus (I know this would be worse for the girls but my point being he would either appreciate more what you are doing or not see them. If it's the latter, best to find out now because it will happen at some point).

He clearly doesn't care about Christmas but still is adamant he'll have them because it's 'his' day. He does not give a shit about them.

The dripping poison in their ears is the worst part. Do not allow it. He stops or they don't go because it is emotionally damaging for them (there will be literature on this you could send him). Speak to the girls in an age appropriate way about what is happening. They won't be little forever and it'll be more of a shock the longer you cover for him. They can love their Dad without having to think he's perfect.

I told my DD some people are just not good at being parents and it's no refection on her.

I would not have Christmas day ruined for them to protect a dickhead who does it because he knows you'll run about after him. Christmas is supposed to be magical for children and if he can't be bothered that's his problem @Rantaboutmytwatofanex, it really doesn't matter what he says. It's his choice to be this way.

Must add though, it took me a long time to get to this stage of thinking. I spent years stressed and now co parenting is pretty good and I'm not a nervous wreck because I just said no more - be a good parent or fuck off.