I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

A microwave for a five year old, does this man have mental health issues?

No, he has narcissism issues. He's giving himself gifts indirectly through his children and sees nothing wrong with that because he doesn't see them as people, just more of his own possessions.

The microwave clearly wasn't for the girls as nothing is allowed to leave the house, nor is the photo equipment.

What an utter cunt of a male.

Who is raising these twats?

Just read all your updates, OP.

Tell him to shove Christmas up his arse. And while you're at it, I'd start to really fight back on the rest of his nonsense, including all the emotional poison he drips into the children's ears, and the taxi service you provide for him.

Last time I had pissed him off a few days before my op (asked him to stop smoking in the house due to dds lung problem)

Holy crap this gets worse. Who smokes in the house, who smokes in the house when they have children, and who the fuck smokes in the house when they have a child who has a lung condition??? :(

I'm sorry you have your health problems on top of all this to contend with.

I really would go for backup options while you are in for treatment though.

ex would massively kick off if he [the boyfriend] were looking after them.

Well he has two choices doesn't he. He can take his own kids, or he can shut the fuck up.

Option 3, if he’s making zero effort they aren’t going

Could you do your own Christmas with them a couple of days early - tell them that Father Christmas is making a special visit early for them so they hang up their stockings etc that night and have a ‘Christmas Day’ with you so they’ve had a lovely Christmas anyway, then go to their dad’s for the real Christmas (which won’t seem so bad to them as they’ll already have had Christmas as they know it with you)?

This is what l would do too - not tell them the actual day and do it at home before they go. What a cocktail.

After your updates I think I'm changing my answer to option 3.

His contact isn't court ordered, he isn't willing to make an effort, they're still young enough to believe in the magic of Christmas, and if there's any chance, however remote, that you won't be here next Christmas, that makes it all the more important that you have them for this time. And every other time until they no longer believe in the magic of it all and are old enough to understand that their dad is shit but they'll do Christmas with you another day.

Option 3 don't let him ruin Christmas for them

I was in a similar position several years back and I told my ex they weren't going unless he made a proper effort. (He had no tree, no decorations, was giving them money (at ages 6 and 8) and was going to give them a Fray Bentos pie. At the time, he didn't have a toilet with a working flush (you had to use a bucket to pour water down at the same time you pressed the flush) and his house was a complete tip. He wasn't seeing them regularly but had demanded Christmas. He refused to buck his ideas up, they didn't go and years on they have no memory of it. He never made a proper effort so they don't really have a relationship with him now they are teenagers.

It was difficult when they were little and still wanted a relationship with him and he wasn't stepping up but they did come to their own conclusions about him in their own time.

This year they aren't seeing him and he has sent some money to them. Both he and they seem happy with the status quo tbh.

Just seen about his smoking.

I don't think I'd send them.

I also wouldn't send them when your have your op.

He's an absolute disgrace.

Let them go to his crappy Christmas and then they’ll never want to go there for Christmas ever again 😂

I wouldn't send mine in these circs.

Let him go to court.

Keep the evidence.

Hopefully the gifts that you've bought for your daughters to give him are equally inappropriate and are things that your girls would actually like ?!

Don’t cover for him, they need to see him for what he is. Don’t send them with presents to open, leave them for yours.
Do another Christmas Day.
I was older when I had a shit chirmstas at my dads and knew what day it was, but had a great Christmas 4 days late with my family, even though I knew it wasn’t the real day.
I’d phone your kids in the morning and say Father Christmas has left their stockings at yours/a note to say he’ll come back on Boxing Day so they know they’ve not been forgotten and will be excited about coming home. We did that with my still believing little brother, said Father Christmas had said he knew w were having two christmasses so would come back

Having voted option 1 and read your updates OP I go with this too👆

I think you’re an amazing mum to be thinking all this through but you really need to think of your own needs.
Put yourself , your health and your kids first. He’s emotionally abusing you.

let them go to him. They love him as you say . When they come home they can have all the their presents from you . This used to happen to mine and they are none the worse for it

Option#1 let them see the truth of him and love him a little less. Don't cover for him. It's his weekend so I don't see you have the right to keep them with you.

After reading all your posts I’d go for option 3. I’d also use your back up options for childcare. And I’d start pushing back on the emotional manipulation he uses on your DDs. I had a step-father who did similar things to me and it was so damaging.

OK so I'm assuming it looks like -
Monday girls stay in their house, step brother looks after them
Tuesday other brother does school drop off, your friend does pick up and they stay at hers
Wednesday your friend does drop off, DP does pick up, girls are back at home then for the rest of the week with your DP and their brothers.

I'm assuming they know and like your DP. If so that sounds absolutely fine to me OP. They get to mostly stay at home and it sounds significantly better than a week with their feckless dad who will barely look after them and use it as a stick to beat you with (and these people won't want paying either?!?!)

When you say your ex will kick off if you do the above as it involves your DP, what does that mean?

I would do option 1.
some countries celebrate more on Christmas Eve, and other countries celebrate on Jan 6th.
So, I think you should just have your own celebration on a different day (either before or after).
If before, they could take some of their minor presents with them to play with maybe.
But I would do whichever day worked out best for you.

I think the dates this year work in your favour. As 25th falls on a Sunday, it's the 26th that's the 'holiday' (on my calendar, anyway).
So you can just tell them that the birth of Jesus is the 25th (mostly at their dad's) and the holiday and celebrations are the day after, at yours.

I find that when people are trying to be difficult a breezy 'that's OK, no problem. We can fit with that' works best, as how can they fight you when you're co-operating with them? And you don't appear find it at all inconvenient!

option one, let him blow himself up. They may as well find out sooner rather than later.

Is it possible for them to stay with you until Xmas morning so that you can do stockings ect and then go to their dads for the day. Then perhaps have dinner when they get home in the evening.

I just looked at the runes & they said same, a flat tyre will be visited upon you OP!