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Original poster

Should I tell the school DD doesn’t intend on showing up?

195 replies

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 19:58

DD(15) is in Year 12(not in England) and her last day of term is Tuesday which is a half day and non uniform day.

Anyway, she says they aren’t doing too much in class at the minute and that on Monday she is just going to stay at home and do her coursework and on Tuesday morning, she is going out with her friends who are also skipping school.

i have told her that she should at least go in on Monday as it is a full day, I have said I don’t want her taking Tuesday off either but If she is to take either off, I’d much rather she had Tuesday off over Monday as it is a shorter day and they probably won’t be doing anything apart from watching Christmas movies as she’ll only have 2-3 classes and it’ll be home time.

that aside, I can’t force her to go in. Should I ring the school first thing on Monday morning and tell them she has said she is not coming in on the last 2 days? Or I don’t know if I shohld just call her in sick to save any hassle but I really don’t want to lie to them!

OP posts:
comical2023 · 18/12/2022 09:13

FatGirlSwim · 18/12/2022 08:52

Sushi7 you know nothing about the OP’s dd. She might well want to catch up on her coursework. I would have as a teen.
If she doesn’t, the consequences are hers and nobody else’s. Far more effective than some weird battle over her phone that only destroys your relationship and has no real impact.

I’d listen to her, be an ally and trust her until there’s reason not to.

There’s the holidays to catch up with school work

saraclara · 18/12/2022 09:20

Kanaloa · 18/12/2022 09:09

But yeah, I was answering the question you actually asked, which was would I be fine with it. Of course I would! I think anyone who wouldn’t be fine with a teacher who had never missed a day missing a day and a half of school for whatever reason is a bit odd really.

But we're not talking about 'whatever reason'. We're talking about not going to work because 'what's the point?' as that's OP's daughter's justification. And no employer is going to accept that.

Kanaloa · 18/12/2022 09:29

saraclara · 18/12/2022 09:20

But we're not talking about 'whatever reason'. We're talking about not going to work because 'what's the point?' as that's OP's daughter's justification. And no employer is going to accept that.

Show quote history

That’s not what you asked - you asked if I’d be happy with a teacher who has never missed a day missing a short amount of school. Of course I would. And I wouldn’t know the reason, which would make it ‘whatever reason.’ That’s what I’m saying - I’d be fine with it whatever the reason.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
Stompythedinosaur · 18/12/2022 09:34

Well, you probably can't force her into school, but I definitely wouldn't cover up for her and I would be enforcing some quite strict sanctions at home. Bunking off school is not a good habit to get into. Loss of phone is a reasonable option as it is directly related to her making plans to bunk off.

itsgettingweird · 18/12/2022 09:48

Late to this.

Personally I would be telling her I am not phoning her in absent on either day.

If she doesn't t go in then she faces the consequences for skiving.

If she then made the sensible choice to go in on the Monday I'd ring her in unwell on the Tuesday and just say she's under the weather and you don't want her to risk spreading something around.

But I'd make it clear to her if she decides to go into town with friends that day and the school find out and set a consequence she has to deal with it!

BananaSpanner · 18/12/2022 09:55

Kanaloa · 18/12/2022 08:56

Right, you get annual leave, which you arrange in advance for a convenient time. Such as a time when it is extremely quiet and no work is being done…

And I’m not sure what you mean by being ‘permitted’ a sick day. If you say you are sick nobody can force you to be in work. Nobody who has taken only 1.5 days of sick leave over a year is exactly taking the piss.

Show quote history

The point is you can’t just take time off when you want which you have been arguing you can. Your earlier posts were clearly implying that if you want a day off you call in sick. Of course this would not be permitted if your employer knew you weren’t sick no matter how good your attendance record normally is.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 18/12/2022 10:09

I wouldn't lie on her behalf to the school - what if they find out she was in town shopping and realise you lied? It will damage your relationship with the school, which isn't ideal.

I'd say it's pretty likely there will be some school work and possibly important messages etc on the Monday. Less so on the half day. She can catch up her coursework at any time during the Christmas holidays.

But I wouldn't be phoning in and lying on her behalf either way.

TitaniasAss · 18/12/2022 10:27

She's 15, you're in charge. I know what it's like, I have a 16 year old DD, but I'm damn sure this wouldn't even be a question for me, I would not facilitate this kind of shit.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 10:39

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 23:39

And that’s what I would do, except I’d physically have to lift her into the car and out of it at school, both of which are not possible.

Show quote history

Drive her to school and get the teacher out to help you. I’m sorry but you need to parent your child.

Sep200024 · 18/12/2022 10:45

Drive her to school and get the teacher out to help you. I’m sorry but you need to parent your child. 😂😂😂

Re-thinking my entire presence on this site after some of the responses to this thread.
Physically lifting a 15 year old girl into a car, and asking a teacher to help you to get her out of it at the other end. All for a day of Christmas wordsearches and half a Christmas movie 😂😂

We don’t treat criminals like that 😂

Original poster
asblindasabat · 18/12/2022 11:16

I will work on her today. Hopefully she goes in.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 18/12/2022 11:18

Ive made it clear that if I do tell the school the truth that she will have to accept any consequences they may impose on her in the new year.

Given her age, then depending on which country you're in, you could also face consequences as the parent of the truanting pupil.

I definitely wouldn't lie that she's ill as it will all come out in the wash if her friends aren't going in either.

My main concern (apart from wanting to set clear boundaries as she's doing GCSEs or similar) would be the slippery slope into DD making her own value judgements on when school is compulsory and when it is optional, and then feeling entitled to put her case to you for final judgement rather than the school.

If this day is deemed optional because it's the end of term, how about the days where they're going to be doing a science experiment she's already seen on YouTube? Or the day the half of the English class who took Art as an option are going to a gallery visit so they 'can't do anything essential anyway'? What about lessons where there's a substitute teacher? Are they worthwhile or is it ok to bunk them off too?

I just think it's far simpler if the rule coming from parents is that school is compulsory for the days it's open - otherwise, it invites a constant debate of which school days are compulsory and before you know it, you're in a meeting with the head and the council saying "well I can't drag her to school, can I?", not because she has an illness or disability that actually requires support and understanding, but because she's been led to believe that she's entitled to choose for herself whether it's worth going in each day.

Kanaloa · 18/12/2022 12:39

BananaSpanner · 18/12/2022 09:55

The point is you can’t just take time off when you want which you have been arguing you can. Your earlier posts were clearly implying that if you want a day off you call in sick. Of course this would not be permitted if your employer knew you weren’t sick no matter how good your attendance record normally is.

Show quote history

But you can! If you knew there was little/no work to be done and you had had no time for all year, in the vast majority of jobs you could easily arrange a day and a half off work. So saying it never happens at work is simply not true.

LolaSmiles · 18/12/2022 12:47

Drive her to school and get the teacher out to help you. I’m sorry but you need to parent your child.
Honestly, a teacher isn't going to physically drag a stroppy teenager into school.

Unfortunately (excluding situations of emotionally based school avoidance, which is complex), if it's got to a point where a 15 year old is dictating their education attendance to their parent and the parent helplessly considers negotiating, or maybe lying for the child, and asking strangers whether they're reasonable to say "how high" when the child says "jump", there's been issues with the authority role in the relationship for some time.

Snowpatrolling · 18/12/2022 12:51

My 15 year old refuses to go to school quite regularly, she is in a special Ed school tho.
I dont lie for her, I tell them she wouldn’t get up and is refusing. She can deal with the consequences!

7eleven · 18/12/2022 13:03

Don’t lie for her. What a terrible example to set her.

Since when do children TELL their parents what’s going to happen? Get a handle on your parenting OP, or you’ll have a lot more to worry about than school.

Zosime · 18/12/2022 13:07

But you can! If you knew there was little/no work to be done and you had had no time for all year, in the vast majority of jobs you could easily arrange a day and a half off work. So saying it never happens at work is simply not true.

The key word there is 'arrange'. You book it in advance so your absence can be planned for - or refused, if there's some reason you're not aware of why you can't have that day off. You don't just not turn up, or ring in sick when you are not sick, because you fancy a day off.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/12/2022 13:21

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2022 07:04

I agree it is. My dd is year 10 and she loved Friday, the last day of term, where they did a mixture of work and quizzes etc and had the choice between PE or a movie. Dd and a few chose PE lol.

You can’t physically force your dd to go to school. However, I wouldn’t be lying either. If the school genuinely aren’t doing any work, I’d be fine for my dd to be studying tbh as I know she would be putting in the work. Issue is you can’t find out until Monday, which is too late.

Show quote history

Yes, it's a no-pressure way to end the term; a way to feel good about attendance and accomplishment; wish everyone a happy Christmas/holiday etc. Rather than, well if I don't have to I won't; or, I've got better things to do. I'm not articulating it well, but earlier I wrote it's a bit anti-social to blow off last days.

BananaSpanner · 18/12/2022 13:28

Kanaloa · 18/12/2022 12:39

But you can! If you knew there was little/no work to be done and you had had no time for all year, in the vast majority of jobs you could easily arrange a day and a half off work. So saying it never happens at work is simply not true.

Show quote history

You’re deliberately ignoring what I’m saying about minimum staffing levels. Teachers/Nurses/Doctors /Firefighters/Police/Restaurant workers/Retail amongst loads of other professions can’t just take time off at the drop of a hat unless there is sufficient cover in place regardless of how busy the day is predicted to be.
Come on, it’s common sense. If you have 10 on a team and the rule is no more than 3 off at one time, then person number 4 can’t just ring in and ask for the day off cos they fancy it, they’ll be told no.

To relate it to the OP, the teachers of the dc couldn’t just ring in and say they wouldn’t be turning up because they wouldn’t be doing much anyway.

You have a flexible job…great…loads of jobs cannot offer that.

HaddawayAndShite · 18/12/2022 13:44

No no. I don’t condone her skiving school.
But there are no consequences to her defying you and skipping school. By letting her do whatever the fuck she wants to do you are condoning it. Ridiculous.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 18/12/2022 15:26

She just keeps saying that it is the last two days and there is barely anything happening and that it’s not her job so, In her own words, it really doesn’t matter.

I said well don’t go then, but be prepared for a detention when you go back in January and she said she doubts they’ll give her one as they’ll have forgotten by the time term starts again.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/12/2022 15:34

Why is this a negotiation though OP?

Children don't just wake up one day and feel entitled to tell their parent if they are going to go to school/informing their parent that they'll be going shopping or out with friends instead of school.

Bookworm333 · 18/12/2022 15:41

Agree you can't force her but I would enforce some consequences apart from telling the school e.g. wifi switched off for hours or losing some other privilege. Is that one day crucial to her education and going to teach her vital academic skills? No, probably not, but it's more about the lesson sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want. Makes it much harder her friends are planning to skip off - do their parents know?

saraclara · 18/12/2022 16:00

LolaSmiles · 18/12/2022 15:34

Why is this a negotiation though OP?

Children don't just wake up one day and feel entitled to tell their parent if they are going to go to school/informing their parent that they'll be going shopping or out with friends instead of school.

That. I find it quite weird that she's dictating to you and you don't even find that a bit off.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 16:13

I said well don’t go then

Why did you bother posting if you were always going to cave in?
Did you think PP would rush to tell you it's ok to allow your teen to dictate to you, so you could let yourself off the awkward business of actually parenting her?

It's not about the 1.5 days, for the PP who are urging you to chill out 'cos it doesn't matter. It's about teaching her that she will not always be fully in control of every decision she wants to make in life, & to give her the discipline & resilience to suck that up. Like every human has to, from time to time.

This is making me think of a recent thread from a mature manager, bemoaning the attitude of millenials who cannot understand that their workplace is more interested in profits & efficiency than their feelings. I'm not selling that as any golden ideal, but it's a fact that young adults need to get their heads round.
Just like they need to get their heads round other annoying facts of life, like choosing to eat sensibly more often than junking, or not taking needless risks out at night even when keeping safe feels much less fun.