Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I tell the school DD doesn’t intend on showing up?

195 replies

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 19:58

DD(15) is in Year 12(not in England) and her last day of term is Tuesday which is a half day and non uniform day.

Anyway, she says they aren’t doing too much in class at the minute and that on Monday she is just going to stay at home and do her coursework and on Tuesday morning, she is going out with her friends who are also skipping school.

i have told her that she should at least go in on Monday as it is a full day, I have said I don’t want her taking Tuesday off either but If she is to take either off, I’d much rather she had Tuesday off over Monday as it is a shorter day and they probably won’t be doing anything apart from watching Christmas movies as she’ll only have 2-3 classes and it’ll be home time.

that aside, I can’t force her to go in. Should I ring the school first thing on Monday morning and tell them she has said she is not coming in on the last 2 days? Or I don’t know if I shohld just call her in sick to save any hassle but I really don’t want to lie to them!

OP posts:
gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 21:06

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 21:03

Well, sadly I don’t think she is going to change her mind. She has just told me again that she will be staying off on Monday and will be going out with her friends on Tuesday.

between now and Monday, i will have to discuss with DH whether we ring in and tell school she refused to go or make an exception since it’s end of term and she hasn’t had any days off this term and ring her in sick.

Why would you make an exception for defiance?

Fuck that shit. She is walking right over you with her high heels on.

Oblomov22 · 17/12/2022 21:09

I've never heard such a load of nonsense. If a 15-year-old starts saying these things, I'll be telling them quick smart that they will be going to school and that's the end of it.

MrsPnut · 17/12/2022 21:09

My daughter 16 in Yr12 in England wanted to miss Friday, she had a lesson then a study period followed by a lesson where the teacher has been absent for 6 weeks. She usually comes home at lunch.
I gave her the number to call and said I refused to ring in for her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
Starlightstarbright1 · 17/12/2022 21:09

Hard to know as not England.. our ywar 12 which us 16/17 i would feel differently.

My 15 year old goes to school unless sick.

He told me the other day he would be sick at 11am ( some online event) i told him if school called i would tell them to keep him for the day.

Original poster
asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 21:10

gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 21:06

Why would you make an exception for defiance?

Fuck that shit. She is walking right over you with her high heels on.

Show quote history

i can’t really do anything except encourage her to go in which is what I have been doing. I can’t physically drag her to school, not unless her teachers want to come round and drag her in.

She doesn’t normally skip school so whilst I don’t like the idea of it, I don’t feel as strict about it as I would if it was at any other point in the term given it is the very end of term but that doesn’t mean I condone what she plans on doing. It doesn’t change my view that she should be in school every single day unless there is an actual reason she can’t be .

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/12/2022 21:10

Well, sadly I don’t think she is going to change her mind. She has just told me again that she will be staying off on Monday and will be going out with her friends on Tuesday.
What jumps out to me here is who is calling the shots in the house.

Why is a child telling their parent when they will/won't be going to school, and the parent is asking Mumsnet whether they should lie to school because their child wants to bunk off?

To be honest, I'd probably not be bothered about missing a half day at the end of term, but there is no way I'd allow my DC to inform me when they are or aren't attending school.

Oblomov22 · 17/12/2022 21:10

"I have told her, and I have been firm with her but I can’t drag her into school."

WTF? I can't believe how weak and passive you are. Step up and parent properly. Tell her she needs to go.

GoodVibesHere · 17/12/2022 21:10

Bizarre responses on this thread, sheesh!

My 16yr old DD won't be going in for the last two days, all they do is watch films. DD is a straight A* pupil, I've always allowed her days off. It is extremely dull for her on the last day. Ditto sports day.

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2022 21:11

OP, I get why your DD doesn't want to go to school cos the last couple of days are pointless.

HOWEVER, you most certainly CAN force her to go to school if you want her to go in. If I wanted mine to go in and they thought about refusing, I would remove their phone and (this close to Christmas) I'd also be saying she'd be losing a present or 2.

I don't think you should be encouraging your child to openly defy you.

The world of work doesn't depend on whether or not we want to do something. You should be setting her up for adulthood and going round doing as she pleases wont help.

Hellno44 · 17/12/2022 21:12

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 21:03

Well, sadly I don’t think she is going to change her mind. She has just told me again that she will be staying off on Monday and will be going out with her friends on Tuesday.

between now and Monday, i will have to discuss with DH whether we ring in and tell school she refused to go or make an exception since it’s end of term and she hasn’t had any days off this term and ring her in sick.

You'll have much bigger problems in the future if you lie for her. She is 15. She needs to understand that her actions have consequences and your not going to facilitate her doing the wrong thing. I know you don't want the ear ache but you need to teach her wrong from right and responsibility.

Imagine, how you'll look when it gets back that they were all out in town together and you said she was home sick. How embarrassing.

VerifiedBot2351 · 17/12/2022 21:13

She’s 15. Get her to school.

DumpedByText · 17/12/2022 21:15

My DD is 15 and she'd do as she's told and go to school if I told her to. Why are you giving her a choice!

Balloonsandroses · 17/12/2022 21:16

You can’t drag her in, no. But you can impose consequences of her actions at home. And, if you want her in, I’ve no idea why you’re even considering lying to shield her from the consequences of her choices at school - what sort of a message is that?

Zodiacsigns · 17/12/2022 21:16

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 20:25

I have told her, and I have been firm with her but I can’t drag her into school.

I won’t be facilitating any shopping trips. She would be getting the bus, or so she says.

Show quote history

She's a minor and you're her parent so yes you can make her go to school. Give her sanctions at home if she doesn't go, regardless of what sanctions she gets at school. If you don't approve then don't lie for her to cover it up.

I don’t want to all the hassle of being called in to discuss her behaviour with her head of year.

It's so weird that you think you can't make your teenaged daughter go to school yet you think the school can force you, a grown adult, to come in to discuss the absence. They can't.

saraclara · 17/12/2022 21:18

You might not be able to physically drag her into school, but you CAN tell her that you will not like for her, and follow through on that.

If you lie for her, you will have demonstrated that she has absolutely no reason to ever listen to you again. And that she now has carte blanche to also lie. If you ever catch her out in a lie, she'll have this to hold over you.

saraclara · 17/12/2022 21:18

"Will not LIE for her". Not like

America12 · 17/12/2022 21:19

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 21:03

Well, sadly I don’t think she is going to change her mind. She has just told me again that she will be staying off on Monday and will be going out with her friends on Tuesday.

between now and Monday, i will have to discuss with DH whether we ring in and tell school she refused to go or make an exception since it’s end of term and she hasn’t had any days off this term and ring her in sick.

Don't lie.

Zosime · 17/12/2022 21:23

People love to say ‘oh you can’t just take time off uni/work whenever you like’ but like… yes you can. You manage your own time at work - if you want a day off you take a sick day.

You take a sick day when you're sick. If you want a day off, you take a day's annual leave.

Hellno44 · 17/12/2022 21:23

asblindasabat · 17/12/2022 21:10

i can’t really do anything except encourage her to go in which is what I have been doing. I can’t physically drag her to school, not unless her teachers want to come round and drag her in.

She doesn’t normally skip school so whilst I don’t like the idea of it, I don’t feel as strict about it as I would if it was at any other point in the term given it is the very end of term but that doesn’t mean I condone what she plans on doing. It doesn’t change my view that she should be in school every single day unless there is an actual reason she can’t be .

Show quote history

You can't drag her but in the same token you shouldn't lie for her. Actions have consequences.

surreygirl1987 · 17/12/2022 21:24

I can’t physically drag her to school, not unless her teachers want to come round and drag her in.

Expecting the teachers to do your parenting 🙄

Also why do you say you don't want her to get into trouble? She should!

Tickledtrout · 17/12/2022 21:25

Choose your battles OP. You're the parent of a young adult now. Do you want her to tell you honestly what she's up to in her life? Where she is?
Talk to her about your expectations re time spent on coursework on Monday and how she'll catch up on any work that does get covered in class.

Work with her. Understand her thinking. Help her grow into responsibilities and identify her own goals and how to get there. Maybe the coursework us something she's enthusiastic about. That's a good thing. What are her ambitions? You've had her for 15 years now. Surely you know her better than a bunch of anonymous posters on here? Work it out together. What are you really worried about - not the content of a couple of poorly attended lessons in the dying days of term.

And don't encourage her to stay on in school sixth form - sounds like she's ready for college.

OneCup · 17/12/2022 21:25

What country are you in? I was raised abroad and it was totally fine to skip school here and there. Attendance seems to be a much bigger thing in the UK.
If you know you're not going to learn anything at school, you may as well skip it.
We're all functioning adults who do turn up to work and do a good job before you ask.

Wolfiefan · 17/12/2022 21:26

Such mixed messages. I don’t want her bunking off.
But if she did I would prefer she did it on this day.
I would expect mine to be in school. Plan something nice for afterwards. But there will be consequences if she bunks off.

SofiaSoFar · 17/12/2022 21:26

Quite frankly, OP, you sound pathetic.

The comment about you can't physically drag her to school but maybe the teachers could shows just how weak you are. It's the not the teachers' job to make sure she's in school, it's yours.

I don't care what other people are saying about whether they think their DC should be in school on the last day/days as that's not the point. You want her to go to school but don't see, capable of making it happen and are even considering making excuses for her.

You'll be doing her (and yourself) no favours whatsoever by demonstrating to her that she's in charge.

Zodiacsigns · 17/12/2022 21:28

between now and Monday, i will have to discuss with DH whether we ring in and tell school she refused to go or make an exception since it’s end of term and she hasn’t had any days off this term and ring her in sick.

You need to learn to be more assertive OP if you can't even make a very simple parenting decision without discussing it with DH and a bunch of strangers on the internet there's literally nothing to discuss, the situation is one of right versus wrong. I can see why DD walks all over you!

Swipe left for the next trending thread