How did you show yourself up during labour?

[garlicy]

I was off my head on pethidine and obsessed with the fire alarm going off Every time a new member of staff appeared, I would ask if them what would happen if the fire alarm went off, including the surgeon who eventually did my section.

I know to this day that I am known as the Fire Alarm Lady in that hospital

Oh for an edit button, I kicked AT the anaesthetist, I don't think I actually assaulted anyone 😳

Proposed to the medical student!! I must have made an appealing proposition as I lay there legs akimbo, t shirt and hair covered in vomit, drip in my arm.akd blood and gunk seeping out of my under carriage.. . dont remember much but apparently got quite angsty when he said doctors weren't allowed to have relationships with their patients ( what he presumably meant was not of you were the last woman on earth 😂)

Poor D0 just stood there looking confused... he seemed quite understanding all things considered

Apparently I pooed on DH's shoe

I gave birth in Germany twice and was very annoyed both times that my midwife didn't speak German. However with the second one she understood English fine so I spoke English to her, until I got gas and air, then I switched immediately into fluent German and both she and DH were really impressed! Apparently my smile when I first got hold of the gas and air was also very amusing because DH laughed a lot in response to it.

Birth is a trip.

Turned out my midwife was someone I had known in my raving years a decade before. Happily doped up on gas and air, I shouted to her “woohoooo, I haven’t been this much off my tits since last time I saw you”

Midwife told me I must get on my back to deliver. I'd been progressing well on all fours, and was determined to give birth that way. She then tried to force me onto my back and apparently I lashed out at her like a wounded animal and screeched that if she touched me again I'd remove her head from her shoulders and use it as a football. Seconds after that DD was born and same midwife touched me on the arm and said that "she's beautiful". I turned to her and said, "and so are you my darling, I love you"

DH was 😂😂

😂 😂 😂

To be fair I’d have told DH to fuck off if he’d tried to shush me.

I was VERY loud.

Shouted out to my partner (so whole room inc midwife heard) if the she (midwife) didn't stop saying every 5 mins "I was nearly there, he'll be out soon" I would drag my ass off the bed & knock her the fuck out! 🤦‍♀️🙈
I did apologise several hours later once baby was born & I saw her again.
Luckily she took it with good grace!

I also assumed my water broke. It hadn't.. I'd just peed allllll over DPs shoes They also told me to stop with the gas and air as I was huffing it like I was dying so I kept trying to be sneaky with. Bit hard when it sounds like a constant fart

Delivery wasn't progressing so the on call consultant was called, I kept grabbing his clothes so he couldn't leave while begging him "to get this f.....g creature out of me " When one hand was prised off I just grasped somewhere different, it took 3 people to help him escape my octopus grasp.
Same delivery shouting at my then husband as I was wheeled away to have a CS "you're never touching me again"

Thanks to the epidural I had absolutely no control over my bum hole and a stream of farts just kept coming…. No one warned me about that.

Had a pool birth and was so high on gas and air that I didn't think to pick the baby up out of the water. So he just floated around while everyone tried to reach him while shouting 'pick him up!'

Every time I took in the gas & air I swore I was In a club with my best friend at the time. I was 19. Then I'd be banged down to earth trying to get the baby out then I'd inhale more and think I was back at the club! What a wild night that was.

My DS was born in the December and of coure they had Christmas songs on a loop .
I sang along to "Fairytale of New York" (unclean version) so bawdily you'd have sworn Shane MacGowan was in the room

😂 how do people manage to be this witty in these situations?

Was absolutely off my head asking if the male gynae doctor was good in bed cos he obviously knows all about the vagina.

Mortified.

😂😂😂😂😂😂This one wins 😂

Oh and told the consultant she could call them big spoons all she wanted, if she came near me with those forceps they were getting shoved straight up her arse 🤦‍♀️

I was very friendly and chatty for the early stages. Then things started getting serious, I said "I'd like an epidural now please", and the midwife said "I'll get the anesthetist down soon".
Apparently, an icy chill descended on the room. I fixed her with a look that could pierce metal, and said "I don't think you understand. I want a fucking epidural, and I want it RIGHT FUCKING NOW!". Then I pulled my fingers across my throat, and I hissed at her,
Still cringe when I think about it, and my son is now 24

I shook the anaesthetist's hand as he put his out.. turns out he was looking to double check my name and DOB on the wristband before my c section 😂

Off my face on the gas being stitched up.
Told Dr that was doing the stitching she looked like something out of a graphic horror novel all lit up leaning towards my bits between my legs in stirrups. Trying to get my DH to agree she looks like some evil Dr. up to no good.
He was begging me to shut up with his eyes.

I said & I quote…
‘when am I gonna get breaking from these fucking contractions because my legs are fucking killing me?’

& also…

‘Just get me a fucking epidural!’

cringe 😳

Growled like a lion and accused my DH of making the noise, got the cardboard bed pan vacuum sucked to my arse, wrestled my midwife when she tried to take the gas and air off me when I needed to push. Not all in the same labour.

‘When am I gonna get a break from these contractions’* rather.