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Original poster

How did you show yourself up during labour?

488 replies

garlicy · 25/11/2022 19:34

I was off my head on pethidine and obsessed with the fire alarm going off Blush Every time a new member of staff appeared, I would ask if them what would happen if the fire alarm went off, including the surgeon who eventually did my section.

I know to this day that I am known as the Fire Alarm Lady in that hospital Grin

OP posts:
Sleepyquest · 25/11/2022 19:55

@Wibbly1008 I did almost have it but when they said it'd take 30 mins to kick in, I had a breakdown, begged for en epidural and then pushed baby out all in about 10 mins

Looks like I didn't miss out!

DangerNoodles · 25/11/2022 19:55

High as a kite on drugs, I heard a rustling sound and thought it was a carrier bag. I told them not to put the baby in a carrier bag, I had my own bag. The midwife asked me if I had remembered my clubcard 😂

ShadowPuppets · 25/11/2022 19:56

I spent all my time on pethedine telling DH about how it was like being in ecstasy and reminiscing about all the great sex I’d had with guys while on drugs… bless him he’s a star and found it amusing (as much as you can when your wife is delirious!) but it was like a truth drug, there were definitely things I’d said which I’d rather had not been 😂

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woodyandjessie · 25/11/2022 19:58

I can't remember because I was so out of it but apparently I kept telling everyone about the wee green men walking about my labour suite and asking if they could get rid of them please as they were interrupting me.
I can remember nearing the end grabbing my husbands T-shirt and screaming at him "DONT YOU DARE LEAVE ME" 😂 (he wasn't going anywhere)

LeavesOnTrees · 25/11/2022 19:59

Kept going on about preventing hemorrhoids as I'd had them after baby n1. Midwife kindly told me that was the least of my worries.
DH told me to stop talking about my bum, to which he got a major telling off.

I also thought I'd weed myself when my waters broke during 1st labour and apologised to the midwife.

FriendofDorothy · 25/11/2022 20:00

I was on all fours pushing hard when I delivered a lovely big shit into the midwives hands.

Cuppa2sugars · 25/11/2022 20:00

labour room kicked MIL in butt really hard, then i had a shit, and in the delivery room screamed ‘get out you bastard’ ! only had gas and air and tens machine.

SlagathaChristie · 25/11/2022 20:01

I blew a kiss at midwife number 1 as she left at the end of her shift, and then accidentally did an impression if (Scottish) midwife number 2 after giving birth. Or rather, I said "oh dearie" in the manner of my lovely auntie, but it definitely sounded like I was mimicking the midwife. Rather embarrassing when she had been so lovely to me.

floralscene · 25/11/2022 20:03

When I was being stitched up, on gas and air I said to the midwife 'do me like a porn star' still haunts me to this day

fairgame84 · 25/11/2022 20:03

I don't think I got enough pethidine judging by these. I feel robbed.

TimeForFika · 25/11/2022 20:03

They pulled my first born out with forceps after 3 days of contractions so I hadn't slept. There was a clock so I just kept saying 'half past five, have you written that down on the form? I had the baby at half past five'. Then my dh was in the next room with dc and when they were stitching me up I kept asking 'is that my baby crying?'. It all felt so surreal.

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/11/2022 20:04

Said "He's got testiclay!" when I first saw DS genitals like the I'm a lady character in Little Britain.

Shmithecat2 · 25/11/2022 20:06

Poo'd myself. Said I was going home. Then pretended I was Darth Vadar when on the G&A for my stitches - 'Luke, I am your Father' 😳

Didjesuspoop · 25/11/2022 20:06

I had my friend (who is also my children’s step mum) there when I was giving birth and as soon as she left the room for a cigarette I told the midwife that although she’s an amazing parent to my children she’s also a heroin dealer 😂😂 (she 100% is not)

IAmSoProudOf · 25/11/2022 20:06

Oh god I have the worst one.
As dd1 is laid in my arms I looked at Dh and said 'I'm so proud of myself, I didn't swear' (I don't swear often but I have a poor pain threshold)
Dh and the mw looked at each other and raised their eyebrows.
I found out days later that apparently Dh was trying to shush me during the pushing stage and I (in pain and off my face on pethidine) said to him 'if you fucking try to shush me one more time you cunt I'm going to twat you'
Two words in that sentence I never said ever. I was so embarrassed.

IAmSoProudOf · 25/11/2022 20:07

Also the obvious' I'm gonna pooooooo' said poo was actually the baby.

glamourousindierockandroll · 25/11/2022 20:07

When they had agreed to give me an epidural and were giving me the talk about all the risks etc I was just shouting "I consent I consent I consent". It was not unlike the "I put the screw in the tuna" episode of Kenan and Kel.

Justcallmebebes · 25/11/2022 20:07

I was slapped by my midwife. She gave me the jab and I think I grabbed her wrist. She slapped me hard across the upper arm and told me never to grab her again. This was in 1992 and came back to me recently when my DD gave birth? Was that weird?

IAmSoProudOf · 25/11/2022 20:09

Booksandwine80 · 25/11/2022 19:42

I had terrible acid reflux and projectile vomited all over the student midwife 😳

Just reminded me of my waters being broken with dd1. They sort of exploded all over the mw. She shot back on her wheely stool but the damaged was done!

SirChenjins · 25/11/2022 20:09

I was high on gas and air and when the midwife asked if she could examine me I said “you can do whatever you like to me^ in a very seductive, come-hither voice. She looked very nervous and DH looked at me like ‘wtf?’. Mortifying.

RedSoloCup · 25/11/2022 20:10

I pooped during very short labour with No.2 who was caught by H as they didn't believe she was coming and I wasn't even sorry.... 😂

Wilburisagirl · 25/11/2022 20:10

I kept talking about how amazing farm animals were giving birth to babies that had hooves. At least my baby wouldn't have hooves. I was also highly specific about what I wanted to drink eg "I'll have two sips of cordial then one sip of water please". Apparently the midwives told my husband that I was the most polite woman in labour they'd ever met haha.

TaffyandTeenyTaffy · 25/11/2022 20:10

Not labour but during c-section I told the midwife was going to call the baby Zebedee for a boy or Ermintrude for a girl (confused my magic roundabout characters it was Dylan that was actually on the list!)

I also asked the surgeon to do me a tummy tuck. (He didn't)

nobird · 25/11/2022 20:10

I was ok in labour but I literally pissed the bed laughing when I was on the post natal ward and recounting the labour and delivery to my mum. I thought I was haemorrhaging and rang for the nurse/midwife. Then we all laughed more (and I cringed with shame) as my mum helped me change into a clean nighty and pants while the nurse changed the bedding for me.

BlueyDragon · 25/11/2022 20:12

In the birthing pool in labour with DS. He was far too comfy so midwives got me out to see if that would help make some
progress. Then they had to move me rooms as they needed the birthing pool for someone else.

Two steps out of the birthing pool room, right by the midwives’ station, gravity took over. Cue me shouting, “Oh my God I’m going to have this baby in a corridor!” and DH and my midwife scooting me off to another labour room. I still remember the midwife behind the desk absolutely crying with laughter.

In fairness to me, DS finally arrived about five minutes later.

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