How did you show yourself up during labour?

[garlicy]

I was off my head on pethidine and obsessed with the fire alarm going off Every time a new member of staff appeared, I would ask if them what would happen if the fire alarm went off, including the surgeon who eventually did my section.

I know to this day that I am known as the Fire Alarm Lady in that hospital

This made me laugh out loud for the first time on MN!

The news was on when I was high in labour. A news story had shown a picture of a wanted criminal and I was telling everyone it was my dad and finding it hilarious that he was on TV (it wasn't him) 🤣

All the lights are dimmed to make it a soothing environment, so the midwife was using a torch to ‘see what was going on down there’ I’d been in labour for 2 days and awake for longer. I’d gotten into the gas and air and loudly declared ‘’she’s come to excavate my lady cave’’ 😂😂

Projectile vomiting up the hospital wall in a perfect arch.
I was so apologetic... my sister cleaned it up and reminds me often!

Also embarrassed by this bit, but after having hours of contractions i had to have a c sec and it felt so good to be numb and pain free and i was so tired I started to fall asleep on the operating table 😴

Shit myself at 10cm dilated. So fucked up on pethadine and gas and air that I insisted on getting up, going to the toilet and cleaning myself up because I felt so embarrassed. Midwife thought I was batshit.

Kept going on about how much I hate Mariah Carey. I have no strong feelings either way about the woman
Ripped my cannula out and bled all over the floor.
Kept saying I needed a poo. Midwife kept saying I needed to push as the baby was coming. Finally screamed at her "I am 41 years old, I think I know if I need a shit or not" turns out I didn't and daughter was born shortly after.

I asked the anaesthetist when her baby was due. She wasn’t pregnant. Spent the whole c section fretting about that.

During labour pre emergency c section I locked myself in the loo and refused to come out. Dh and the awful midwife used those awful “talking to a nutter” voices.

First labour: ludicrously polite. ‘May I have some water please?’; ‘Sorry I’m making so much noise’; ‘Thank you for checking baby’s heart’.
Second labour: ‘I’M SHITTING I’M SHITTING OH FUCK ACTUALLY THAT’S THE BABY’
Gas and air first time, nothing at all second time because it happened so fast!

When I was in labour, I was screaming with the pain. A midwife came in and told me 'Stop screaming as it doesn't actually help!' I screamed 'It insert a few expletives helps me!' and then cried and apologised to her for swearing

Also another one...when dd2 was born I had a post partum haemorrhage. One minute I was gazing at Dh with our baby, the next I was vomiting and felt a huge clot pass. Then I felt like I was fading away so I hit the buzzer. Dh didn't see this just had one person walk into the room and then run back out before coming back and hitting another buzzer and the room being filled. I had hands up and in and everywhere whilst I looked over at Dh and dd2 and felt like I wouldn't see her grow up.
Then an angel came in the room all backlit and lovely and calm.
No idea what his actual job title was but in my head he walked in, slide a needle into my arm and said 'you've got lovely veins'
I looked at Dh and said scathingly 'you've never said that to me' 😝😝

I was embarrassed but there was a student doctor who stood at the end of the bed the whole time SILENT

Midwives kept leaving her there just awkward

I asked her how many births she had seen when I'd delivered

She said I was her first delivery ....

Looooool

After baby came out I shouted "fuck! Stop!" The midwife was like eh she's already out..

Had so much gas and air I kept going on about a picture of a flower on the wall that was the same as one my Granny had when she was alive.

Pooed several times and didn't notice (thanks to DH for telling me afterwards...).

Wasn't *

Similar story-

kneeling on the bed, sucking on the G&A like there was no tomorrow and looking at DH and the midwife with a WTF look on my face, as I could hear a someone MOOING slash WAILING like a cow banshee.

It was only when I took the mouthpiece out to say 'that poor woman, what is happening?' that the moo-wails stopped. And I realised it was me

This.

Yes, the gentle, patronising tones of the nutter voice

I was high as a kite on gas and air and absolutely convinced the baby had “gone the wrong way” and was coming out of my bum. I don’t remember a lot about DDs birth but vividly remember looking the midwife square in the eye and saying “this baby is coming out of my arse”. Luckily she found it funny 😆

With the first, I went on and on about wanting to be a dr. With the second, I imagined the gas and air was Ryan Gosling’s cock and sucked it dry for 7 hours. Awkward with my husband and a midwife in the room. I was doing the hand movements of a blowjob. Kept me going.

High off my face on pethidine. I hallucinated Simon Cowell in the room. Also tried to get up to go to the corner shop for a can of coke.

Some of these are hilarious! Sadly there was nothing funny about my first birth, but there's always next time 🙃

Midwife tried to take the gas and air from me and I aggressively grabbed it back so hard that I hit myself in the face with the bloody thing and split my lip. So I gave birth with blood all around my mouth and inbetween my teeth! It was a look!

Trying to take my mind off the mahoosive needles they used for my spinal anaesthetic, I insisted on telling the million people in the theatre all about the Labour leadership election.

Vomited all over the midwife third time round, from the gas and air. Rupped out my cannula second time.

Demanded chocolate milkshake. Decided I didn't want chocolate milkshake anymore but midwife thought it would be good for my energy levels. So after lots of swearing and arguing I agreed to drink it. Then promptly projectile vomited the whole milkshake all over the midwife. She had to go to theatres, have a shower and get scrubs before returning.