How did you show yourself up during labour?

[garlicy]

I was off my head on pethidine and obsessed with the fire alarm going off Every time a new member of staff appeared, I would ask if them what would happen if the fire alarm went off, including the surgeon who eventually did my section.

I know to this day that I am known as the Fire Alarm Lady in that hospital

Okay but for real, I need to know what does happen if the fire alarm goes off 😂 legit question !

Oh god. I had an interminable labour with failure to dilate but massive contractions, epidural that didn’t really work and I was exhausted and zonked. I remember wanging on and on about how I knew I’d be shit at childbirth, I was hopeless at anything like that, as I was always terrible at PE, however I was good with my hands and really good at drawing and sewing, so if only you gave birth with your hands, then I might be able to do it. The poor MW had a “fuck 6 hours till my shift ends” look on her face.

Sky-high on pethedine… insisted that every lsst person including DH leave the room so I could ‘have a poo in peace’
Did 3 drops of wee ….
Then informed the poor consultant dragged out of bed on a snowy winters night ‘I don’t care who the hell you are, you’d better get this baby out of me or I’m going home right now’
Poor man😳

Text my parrot that I'll be home soon.

I had a cesarean and remember everything. These posts are making me think i missed out haha

It IS a legit question! Thank you

Told my anaesthetist that he was the best Christmas present ever.

It was July.

Said "for fucksake" after they told me the baby I had just pushed out was 11lbs.

Said Jesus Fucking Christ when they said the placenta was 4lbs.

Said "told you she'd be fucking huge" to my very nice doctor.

I'm back to her for the second baby and still mortified I managed to turn into a sweary sailor.

I hit the midwife in the face whilst contracting and having the epidural needle inserted at the same time. I was searching frantically for someone’s hand to squeeze. I also ripped my cannula out my hand and bled all over the sheets. The midwife was very annoyed with me

I had a medical student in the room with me (who I had actually met before because he had done his mental health placement where I worked, but I was fine with him). He was also a fencer, but a foilist. So DH, my best friend and second birth partner and I, all epeeists, ripped the piss out of him for his choice of weapon. Nicely, though.

I bit my husband. He still has a small scar on his chest, and that dc is almost 23!

Just laughed till I cried at "my octopus grasp," thank you .

oh i was known as “fuck a duck lady” because that’s what I said when they told me I was in labour and when they had to stick a pain killer up my bum ready for stitches after birth haha

High on all sorts of drugs, I thought I recognised one of the consultants, and asked "Are you Lev Stevenson?" even though I don't know anyone by that name. He was like "Um, no..."

This is the thread I needed to read after such a crap day! Am laughing so hard!

First birth - vaginal delivery significant swearing including "get this fucking thing out of meeeeee" at the top of my voice, on repeat.
Ended in theatre having massive tear repaired where, whilst my legs were in stirrups and I was almost passed out from exhaustion I came on to the anaesthetist and then gave a gwyneth at the Oscar's style speech about how incredible nhs staff are (height of lockdown)

Birth 2 planned c section - after a full day waiting and nil by mouth we were told they couldn't fit us in and we would now join the list for tomorrow. I had a complete emotional breakdown which caused the ward coordinator to have to get the lead consultant to come and see me. Between sobs I said "but we have childcare for dd today and now we've lost a day of your paternity leave just sat here - what do we do just keep waiting til I go into labour spontaneously so we get to the front of the queue?!" DH tried to gently say "well yes. And don't stress about childcare or help for you, I'll get my mum to come and stay" at which I rounded on him like a woman possessed, and growled at him " I do not want your bloody mother to come and stay ". Consultant burst out laughing and said well we can't have your mil moving in, we will get you done today!

I closed the 4 bays and it had to be deep cleaned , ended up in isolation and public health England on the phone due to contracting sepsis from strep A (the common cold). Was so sick during my emergency section all over the pillow and unable to move … wasn’t nice

I thought the straps for the monitor round my stomach was what was hurting me and kept trying to rip them off, the midwife kept telling me I had to keep the monitor on and was telling me it was the contractions not the straps causing the pain, I didn’t believe her and turned to my mum and said really loudly, “I cannot fucking stand that smug bitch, she’s enjoying this” about the midwife 🤦🏼‍♀️

Also out of no where I apparantly asked my midwife ‘if you were a penis would you rather be short and fat or long and thin?’ 😂😂😅

I asked if I was thin again yet while pushing 😳😂

I was also stood half in and half out the bath, mid contraction and was sick all over my husband 🤦‍♀️

I shit myself and had been eating loads of super hot curry trying to get my overdue baby out. So that was particularly unpleasant for the poor midwife who had to clean up.

These stories are brilliant 😂

With my first, I insisted that the only thing that would get me through labour was a filthy thick milkshake, my husband wasn’t convinced but the midwives sent him off to get it as I was so adamant. I drank it and immediately puked everywhere 😬

Second, no painkillers for the birth as it was too quick but being stitched up took forever - I was so high on gas and air, I remember sucking on it like a shisha pipe and blowing air out as if it was smoke, and it seemed like drum and bass music was playing. In my head I kept saying, am I at a rave? No, I don’t think so? I’ve never been to a rave 🤣 the midwives kept asking if I was ok and all I could muster was ‘yeah’ 😵‍💫

Well yes, of course. But also if you’ve just shat everywhere and and been sick on a midwife you’d be a psycho to just sit there looking smug and saying you’re a hero.

I kicked the midwife across the room!
I had no idea until a few days later when my old manager messaged me congratulations and mentioned I kicked his partner 🙈

I had a fast first birth (4 hours start to finish) and I remember, after the midwife had told me the baby was crowning, stomping around the labor ward saying that I had just started maternity leave and it was just false labour and my waters hadn'tbroken and then kschhhhh... my waters burst everywhere like a massive water balloon. The waters thing happened for my second birth where I insisted on walking to the OT for my emergency caesarean. No idea why, and I still feel bad that some poor sod had to clean up after me.

Kept shouting at the top of my voice over and over again SWEET JESEUS. I've no idea w here it came from and I've never said it since but I remember being rushed from the labour ward to theatre completely naked wouldn't keep the covers on and legs akimbo and the domestic staff looking and just carrying on with their work like theyd seen it all before! I will never ever live it down and yes, I had pethidine.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🙈🙈🙈🤣🤣🤣🤣