Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

Just read that others have made similar suggestions - Great Minds, eh?

Go for it, OP

As a pp has said, maybe it would be nice for the father of your little girl that you don't choose a name he knows you would have used had you had a daughter with your ex? Perhaps you could choose another name which means something for you both as a couple, and use it as your daughter's name, and have your special name as the middle name. Or, have your special name as the first name, but use your "couple" name as the middle name for daily use?
It might not be too much for your sons to cope with to have two sisters with the same name, but honestly, who *does" that? In the circumstances, I would choose another first name with happy connotations for your own family with your DH and rise above your ex's seemingly deliberately malicious high-jacking of your preferred name for his own daughter. In his little mind, he'll have got one up on you by stopping you using that particular name, but if you ignore him and choose not to be upset, he'll be the one who looks foolish to those in the know. If I were his wife and knew the whole story behind his choice, I'd be furious and hurt, unless I was as twisted as he seems to be.

I would laugh when he mentions it and say what a weird thing to do. Don’t let him think he is getting into your head, that is so much his intention. He probably won’t even do it.

He sounds like a massive pain in the ass.

He is trying to control and spoil your pregnancy isn't he? Don't join in and try to ignore his behaviour. Change the subject when he starts and remember you are having your daughter first.

Congratulations 💐

Sorry no she is first 🙄🙄🙄

Yeah announce it on Facebook first. She's bound to be stalking you 😅

I think he is very much in the wrong. And a dick. But re the terminology: the children are not going to be half-siblings, they don't share a parent.

Damn, I missed that bit.

This! I would find it weird considering to use a name I had previously picked with a different partner.

It's not a "name picked with a previous partner" - it's a name honouring someone who was much loved. Not the same thing.

I agree with the Facebook thing though I normally think it crass, and yes to the idea upthread of putting in a photo of the lady you are naming your DD after and doing the back story so that anyone who actually knows you-and your ex will already know your plans. There isn’t anyone else who you would be bothered by about their opinion anyway. Worst thing that can happen is both girls have the same first name but really it doesn’t matter 🤷‍♀️

My husband's parents split up. They both went on to have children by new partners and both of them called their new son the same name. In their case it was pure accident as husband's biological father didn't keep in touch with his first family.

Husband only found out 30 years later when his biological father got in touch, but he has a good relationship with all his half siblings including the two with the same name. He had an awful relationship with both his biological and step father, but got on well with his mother and his biological father's various wives.

When I was a kid I knew a family with step kids and they were called Tracey, Roy, Tracy & Roy!! They managed ok, it was fun.

Doesn't that apply with OPs new partner? He might not like his baby girl having the name OP agreed with ex.

I'd be tempted to go the other way with the new wife....
"Hi how are you? , I hope you're well. EXDH said he was also planning to name your new baby Heather, I think that's such a great idea, it'll be a lovely way of bringing our families together and will really help me and my new baby feel a part of your family. I'm so honoured you would pay tribute to my aunty in this way, thank you xx"
I have a feeling a new name would be chosen PDQ

Yes, to whoever suggested this !!

Not necessarily I don't give a shit about my DH's ex. Why would I? She doesn't really take up my brain space like that.

Yeah, I didn’t read the post closely enough and made that mistake too.

Yes do this! You could also say you thought it was weird at first that she agreed to it but now think it’s really sweet of her.

Do what you want and call the baby x's x. For example "John's Susan". Hold up your head and be dignified and say not a negative word to your boys.

Everyone you smile through it adopt a dignified head tilt and let your inner thoughts think poor little John's Susan, she'll never be as happy as me and the boys.

Just ignore them. Carry on as you want to. Name her your special name and announce it on social media. If anyone asks about it, just say, "my ex loved my baby name so much he used it too!"Anyway who cares what others think.

I would find a way to let the new wife know the name and why you have chosen it and your puzzlement at why your ex would also choose this name for his child with her.

We have a friend who has named his son the same name as a surname of an ex from 20 years ago. His wife will not know the surnames of previous girlfriends, probably just first names. We cannot understand why he would do it but cannot ask him why. Seems very strange to us.

Will your ex's new partner see it if you bung it on social media? I think it'd help change her mind. Will your ex be childcare when you're having your child? You could text her to firm something up for baby (insert precious name) on your due date. She's going to find it weird too.

If I was the new pregnant wife, I'd want to know.
I bet he hasn't told her the whole story.

He sounds like an arse.

Post a lovely family Christmas photo on social media and say “Wonderful Christmas with my loved ones. Can’t believe that it’s only x weeks till our beautiful baby Anna will be joining our family. If she has just a small amount of the kindness and grace of my beloved auntie Anna, I’ll be delighted”.

And publicly gazump him on the naming!!

Oh OP I feel for you. Your ex husband sounds like a prick. Just ignore him and use the name.

I feel massively sorry for his wife too though. She probably just likes this name and doesn't know its important to you. He's ruining this time for her with his need to control you. Don't message her, there's no need to create a further situation. She hadn't done anything wrong.

I wish people commenting on here would just refer to this woman as what she is. His WIFE. Not his 'new' wife. She's isn't a toy or property. And OP is no longer his wife. She is his ex wife. Or should we call OP his old wife? Obviously not!

If you want to stake your claim publicly then mention on social media but I think a message to the partner is most appropriate and likely to be the only way to bring about change (& she may not even be aware of this name if ex-DH is playing you). Along these lines...

Hi ex partner,

Hope the pregnancy is going well. Ex tells me you have chosen NAME for your baby and I just want to check this isn't the case and he's just trying to wind me up . He knows the name has a very close personal connection for me AND is what I will be naming my baby! Aside from being confusing for DC having siblings of the same name, it would be really odd for him to have a daily constantly reminder of me. Obviously not asking names, but can you just confirm this is indeed a joke as it's really stressing me out!

I might be tempted to post lots of pictures on Instagram/Twitter/Facebook / whatever of your bump, pram, cot, piles of baby clothes tagging them all with the name “ Baby XXXX has so many lovely new outfits” “ can’t wait for baby XXXX to be in the buggy” “ So excited for Baby XXXX brothers to meet “” etc etc . If the new partner is stalking you, which she might well be, it could be enough to put her off the name.