Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

I agree with previous posters, to post on social media. You could post the 20 week ultrasound photo with the words, "I cannot wait for X to arrive, counting down the days!" Others will associate that name with your baby first.

Tell his ex wife. I doubt she likes being left in the dark like that and will likely insist on picking another name.

His new wife sorry

Your ex is being an idiot and trying to wind you up. Who knows if he’s really planning to use ‘your’ name or if he’s just messing with you so you change the name? I doubt his new partner knows about the name’s sentimental meaning to you.

IMO, the best thing to do is to immediately announce the name of your bump along with why you’re calling her that. “Baby Elsa will be here in X weeks and we can’t wait to meet her. ‘Elsa’ is in honour of a special lady, my great grandmother….” etc.

Ideally make sure your ex’s partner is aware of your post. It’ll then be clear you’re not copying them and have held the name dear for years. It would be weird if they both had the same name, but I suspect if you announce it first (as above), either your ex or his new partner will choose a different name or at least amend it somewhat.

At a time when your sons will be confused and upset enough about two babies appearing at once as new siblings, you're deliberately setting up a lifetime of comparisons and difficulty if you demamd to use the same name. You'll just have to come up with a different name and use it as a middle name. Your child is not that woman, and should be allowed to forge her own identity, let her have her own name.

I think I’d tell his new wife, I know I wouldn’t want to name my baby a name that meant something to an ex. I’d find it weird he even wanted to use it at all

Given the circumstances I would definitely announce this on SM. Not something I'd usually do but given that your ex is being a twat I don't think you have much alternative (if you are 100% set on this name).

the post can be a tribute to your beloved relative and you can make the sentimental link clear and the importance of the chosen name.

Your ex is a complete fucking bellend.

He is an idiot, his new partner / wife is going to find out how special this name is to you and that is going to hurt her.

I agree with all the 'put it on SM' posts.

Can you contact his new partner? I can’t imagine her being happy with this arrangement. Tell everyone in RL and on social media that you are using the name too.

I'd try some the idea's above to get him to change his dd name but ultimately if he does have his dd first and uses that name I wouldn't. I just wouldn't like it. My husbands niece compares my DS to her cousin on her mums side constantly (they are born a few weeks apart) like a competition over which child has done what first/ better.

I agree with others about social media and contacting ex. She might not know the story.

He’s so horrible

I agree with the other posters. You have to announce the name NOW before baby is born ! especially as his baby is likely to be born first.
post something on social media, mention it in the family group chat, tell your boys to start talking about their sister by name etc.
and make sure to let everyone know the sentiment behind it.

Am sure as soon as his new wife knows you plan on naming your daughter that she will definitely ot want the name.

what a horrible individual he is !

But equally the new wife might not be impressed with being told she can’t use a name she loves because the ex wife says so…

Its just a name. Your son will be fine. The girls will live seperate, different lives. Don’t worry, just get on with it. People really won’t say much about it for long.

Your sons won't have known any different. The name will just be one of the many similarities between the new babies when they arrive.

Other people might think it's a bit weird but who cares? Explain to anyone whose opinion you value.

Start using the name for the baby now so your boys get used to it and there's a chance your ex's DP will find out about your plan that way. Other than that, just ignore it and get on with your life. Lots of families have two grannies or cousins with similar names. We had big xx and little xx in our family to manage the situation. I recognise that big and little wouldn't work in your situation as they are so close in age.

It might cause a bit of confusion occasionally but, in reality, it will be no big deal.

Thanks everyone, lots to take in.
just to clarify I know the girls won’t be half siblings I was referring to my sons being their half siblings.
my husband is happy to use the name and chose it out of 5 options before I confirmed the reasons for wanting to use it. Now he knows the meaning behind it he is even happier to use it.
the name is unusual and very personal, it’s not a case of naming her after a grandparent with a common name. The situation I was in was very big and it was on the news. It may seem like ‘just a name’ but it’s not to me. My ex husband knows the story and regardless of who the father to any of my children are, that name was always going to be a priority if I ever had a daughter.
apparently his wife does know although I have no idea about her opinion or if it’s even true.
family know we are using the name and my sons also know. My husband queried whether they have mentioned the name at their dads and that’s how it popped into ex husband’s head. We did have an amicable ‘relationship’ after the divorce, but after this I will be sticking to the ‘pick up/ drop off and leave’ situation.

Presumably she doesn't know?
I'd screenshot thr messages and say 'just thought you should know, I have always planned on calling my daughter X for sentimental reasons. I get the impression twatfeatures insert name here hasn't told you I will also be calling my baby this. Just thought you should know incase its something you'd regret naming your DD.'
Assuming she's on Facebook/ you have some way to send picture messages.

Yes I'd do this too.

Congratulations on your impending new baby, OP.

Normally i think announcing names on SM is a bit tacky and maybe tempting fate and in your shoes I'd only do it if my baby was due second (sorry if you mentioned which was due first i missed it). If my baby was due first, I'd announce the name on the birth and leave ex and his new wife completely out of it.

Thank you
we are both due in January, I’m 2.5 weeks ahead but they are having complications and may need an early Caesarian (that’s what he’s told me anyway, but I find anything hard to trust from him) I don’t speak to his wife as she chooses not to.

This is where your boys being excited that they’ve got a sister called ‘Katie’ coming because mummy’s friend was called ‘Katie’ and really looked after her.

tell them now the baby is called ‘Katie’

as a back up though OP pick some really fabulous middle names too. Maybe let your boys choose one so they feel part of it all and it’s not a ‘fight’ between mum and dad iyswim.

I would go ahead. I suspect your kids will know he’s being an ass. You can’t really protect them from that fact even by caving to his every unreasonable decision.

Just announce it right away to family, friends, social media. Very matter of fact, no drama - 'Not long now, Jasparconcorde family v. excited to welcome baby X, named after mama's dear Y.'

OR

Use this as a lesson in detaching from the past, and choose a name that is meaningful to your DH. I feel a bit sorry for both new partners, tbh, as you and ex still seem quite emotionally entangled.

I suggest you just accept this and ignore them. It will divert your attention from the joy of your new baby. Shut all of this crap down - SM, contacting her etc. You can't change this so just accept. You are thinking about this much more than your sons will.

I think I'd stick with the name and encourage your sons to use nick names for each sister to differentiate them.
It's very odd of him. But don't let him ruin it, there are ways around it.x

I’d definitely announce the name to everyone now. Tell your kids. They will definitely tell your ex and his new partner. Hopefully they change their minds.