Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

@Autumnmoonshines pretty sure OP would’ve shared this personal information before he became the ex.

I think it will be strange. If I were in your shoes I would announce the name of the baby now before she is born so that it does not look like you’re copying him. I know lots of couples who had chosen and shared their baby’s name before birth and you might find if you announce it and if your sons refer to your baby by her future name around their stepmom she will go off the name anyway. Your ex might not care about using the same name but that doesn’t mean his partner won’t!

Why are you even having conversations about the baby names. Just don't tell him about your baby they are nothing to your ex and his is nothing to you.

Hi x, now we’ve let people know widely I wanted to let you know our baby’s name will be xxx as the boys are likely to start referring to her by net name while they’re at yours in case you wonder who they are on about haha!

I'd something like this. No need to suggest they choose another name that's just rude.

Yep. Announce her name on social media now. Say why the name is special and that you can’t wait to meet her.

(I wouldn’t post this in any other situation, but needs must and you need to get your point out there. Doing this alone will force him to change names and will make him look silly if he chooses the name)

I'd be tempted to go the other way with the new wife....
"Hi how are you? , I hope you're well. EXDH said he was also planning to name your new baby Heather, I think that's such a great idea, it'll be a lovely way of bringing our families together and will really help me and my new baby feel a part of your family. I'm so honoured you would pay tribute to my aunty in this way, thank you xx"

I have a feeling a new name would be chosen PDQ

All of this! Sometimes you have to turn a situation back on such a manipulative arse. And hopefully this, in a not too horrible way, exposes what he’s doing to the current partner. If the name was coincidentally her choice, any decent man would have said “oh, I think that’s what ex partner is going to use, better not”.

Just use the name and don't give it another thought. Your DC are old enough to realise that many people in this world have the same name. We have a lot of repeated names in our family. You find a way of distinguishing. Presumably they will have a different surname.

I've never understood the angst about children having the same name.

Use the name. It has lifelong meaning to you. If he chooses to give his child the same name, really that's his problem.
I bet he's banking on you changing the name tbh.

Just pick something else. It'll eat at you forever if you give the kids the same names. I wouldn't allow him the satisfaction of doing that.

Not sure how it works in the UK,, but maybe it’s the same there as in Aus: So as not to get into a power struggle with your ex over the name could you just quietly register the baby in the name you like, and give it a middle name both you and new husband like? And then, you could call your child by it’s middle name or just use ‘baby’ for a while, sons could use ‘baby sis.’ . Then if your ex really doesn’t want to use the name but is only doing so to rile you, (I don’t know for sure if he’s doing that, but seems like it) you may very well find he will call his daughter something else and then, if you want to, you can call your daughter by her first (already registered name). We call our son by his middle name, we all just liked it better, suited him more and he’s an adult now and glad we used his middle name. (On passports, official documents etc his registered first name is used but he’s fine with that).

Or be more direct and tell the wife of your ex why that name has always been special to you.

But, your sons having 2 sisters with the same name is crazy stuff imo. And there’s a reasonable chance that all 4 of them, when older, are going to think all the parents are insane for calling both girls the same name,..

It'll just be like having two Granny's.
There'll be the equivalent of "granny London" And "granny Maggie" with the step sisters. It'll be fine.

What about posting a picture of the lady you're baking the baby after and a scan picture and doing a tribute to her on SM? In that way you can post a bit of the backstory as well as get the name in there first.

Something like...as many of you know, x years ago, 'Mary' did xyz which saved my life/helped me/was amazing. I always promised myself that if I ever had a girl, we would name her 'Mary' in memory of a this amazing woman. Today we had a scan and got to see our amazing girl and I am so excited that I will finally be able to name her after such a wonderful woman. Mary Elizabeth Olsen, we are so excited to meet you!

Naming, not baking

@Jasparconcorde If the name is really THE most important thing to you then the only way round this is to announce now that you are having a girl and she will be called X. Start having your DS’s refer to baby by her name.

that way they can decide to copy or not

I think if you speak to your ex’s wife there is a danger that he just persuades her you are shit stirring to get her not to use the name she wanted. And then they, having the baby first, just go ahead with the name.

Much better idea

No it hasn't happened to me, but my bio dad give his younger daughter the name him and my mum picked for me but she changed her mind when he cheated 😅

I do know someone who has got half siblings with the same name, a boy and a girl half sibling with a unisex name. Hasn't seemed to effect them!

In 99.9% of cases I think announcing a baby's name on social media before they've safely arrived is tacky and crass.

In your case though OP I'd do it right now. Are the babies due before or around Christmas? I'd get a nice personalised stocking or bauble made and post a lovely 'can't wait for baby [name] to be around the tree with us' picture 😈

I won’t be budging on the name regardless.

So what's the point of your thread??

Does his new partner know the history behind your choice of name? If I was her I’d be pissed off if he I found out he was pushing for the name with this background.

if your sons know then she is bound to find out

This. Use your chosen name - it still means a lot to you.

Just say - "Oh - that's lovely. Two girls called after Auntie Rose - she'll definitely never be forgotten now. I've told my mum and she's thrilled. It's wonderful that rout's still prepared to do this for me, even thought we aren't together any more."

Tell your boys "Isn't this lovely - you'll have two sisters called Rose!"

Hope that they'll mention how delighted you are in front of your ex's new partner. 😇

He can use the name or not, as they choose - but make sure YOU do.

(He may be just trying to wind you up and have no intention od using it)

Agree with others. Normally I would say announcing the name on social media prior to birth would be weird but I'd do it. Same with involving your kids, normally a no-no but I'd get your eldest to drop in that's the name you're using and that he'd have been that if he was a girl.

My ex-husband did practically the same. He had two further children with different women. For his daughter, he chose the middle name of the girl we ‘would’ have had. For the boy, he chose our second choice boys name. I just thought it was weird.

Ok, not a sibling, but I a a best friend who I’ve known now for 50 years- same first name,
we went through school together, our mums were close, our families were close, we were part of same friendship circle
even though we were both called same name, mostly we knew exactly which one of us was being referred to - can’t tell you how…something about knowing what we were doing at time, part of a very subtle inflexion etc

it will be something practically that you DSs can cope with . And it won’t cause that much confusion

I have a niece and DIL with same name, they get on well and are often in same company. Again not an issue

my ex had same first name as his father..quite common in 50s . Again no issue

so practically it isn’t going to be a problem.

it is the emotional side that will be difficult for you - that your ex has done this to spite you. so deal with that and make decision of either ignoring and you both have dd with same name, announcing now to make your intentions known,, or changing to something else.