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Original poster

Half siblings with the same name

341 replies

Jasparconcorde · 22/11/2022 23:55

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/11/2022 04:49

If you both has the name chosen if your joint DC had been a girl, then surely it’s just as much his as yours?

Just use it anyway.

Imogensmumma · 23/11/2022 05:13

I think you need to somehow let your exDH’s new wife know that the name is the girl name you had if your DS’s had been girl, bet the name gets changed very quickly

Midlifemusings · 23/11/2022 05:47

Why not also give your husband some input into the naming of his child?

This is the name you want and that you were going to use with your ex for your child. But you are having this child with a new partner who will be the child’s father.

telling a new spouse we are using the name I had picked with my ex is pretty controlling. Pick a name together and then use the name you and your ex had chosen as a middle name.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Confusion101 · 23/11/2022 05:49

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/11/2022 04:49

If you both has the name chosen if your joint DC had been a girl, then surely it’s just as much his as yours?

Just use it anyway.

This! I would find it weird considering to use a name I had previously picked with a different partner.

Sorry OP I think it will be annoying for your sons. Either announce it now on social media (and be prepared for the backlash from exDH) or use it as a middle name and choose something else

MollyRover · 23/11/2022 05:53

Definitely somehow let the new partner hear that you've chosen the name, and why. Chances are she has no idea and would be horrified if she knew that it was your idea.

What a horrible person your ex is.

nophonesonbed · 23/11/2022 05:55

I'd completely ignore him and when baby is born announce the name. Presumably his wife isn't that attached to the name so will either go with same name or change it. If you have opportunity you could mention it to her to give her a heads up but I wouldn't speak to your ex about it again.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 23/11/2022 05:56

Just start calling the bump baby X around your sons and they are likely to say it in front of their dad’s wife at some point…

TeenDivided · 23/11/2022 06:02

I think let Dad's wife know somehow.

Noelfieldingsjumpers · 23/11/2022 06:03

If the name can't be shortened, could you lengthen a nickname? So say the name was niamh, could be nini? Or Leigh, Leigh- Leigh? I knowing I'm clutching at straws now for you, but if you've had you're heart set on it for so long, go for it. I have a name that can't be shortened as well so people just call me random names that rhyme Confused😂

Do you really think his new wife had the name all along? Is that going to be both girls names and that's that? Is it a common name? could they be in school together? He's being a bit of a dick isn't he.
are you 50/50 split custody?

I think I'd just keep quiet and maybe
say, I'm so glad ex husband and I both got the chance to use our girl name, wow half sisters, and with the same lovely name. But be genuine. end of the day, she either won't care, which will be hard for you, or, she'll choose a different name. You can't steal a name. ❤
P.s, congratulations!

rainbowstardrops · 23/11/2022 06:04

I'd speak to his partner. She might not be aware of how much of a douche bag he's being.

SkylightSkylight · 23/11/2022 06:08

SD1978 · 23/11/2022 00:25

He's an arse for bringing it up, and his new partner quite frankly is also somewhat strange to use a name that he only has in mind due to his connection to you. For her to wait to use a name that's so 'intimate' to you, shows a lack of tact on her part too. Ignore them both- your boys and you k ow why this name matters and always had, and when older will realise dad using it was a dick move.

@SD1978

you're making a massive assumption that she knows!!

@Jasparconcorde I'd just make his new victim partner know why he's trying to name their DD that. Tell her.

ArcticSkewer · 23/11/2022 06:12

The extremely simple solution is to let his new partner know.

I actually think she is more the victim here than you - if she is unaware that you will be calling your daughter the same name. If she knows and is joining in his scheme, then not, of course.

Start calling your bump by the name now and put it everywhere... all social media ... as pp suggest.

Noelfieldingsjumpers · 23/11/2022 06:17

Ps, my last post is me trying to be diplomatic and ease some stress from you, because you said it is your family name or a name that has a meaning, that you've both talked about post divorce...but he's being an asshole!

From her point of view, if my husband said he likes this name, and I liked it too, I'd be thrilled, job sorted...if he said oh and by the way my ex wife is also pregnant and using the same name, I'd think he was still trying to get one over on you as it were, or have a connection, (which you'll have your whole lives pretty much anyway with your boys) and if there were no connections emotionally for her etc, then there's not a cats chance in hell id want to use the name!

MiddleParking · 23/11/2022 06:26

It sounds like it could be a really challenging time for your sons anyway if they’re having two new baby sisters, one at each house, within a few weeks of each other. I wouldn’t compound that by getting them involved in your ex’s mind games, which having both babies called the same name would do. I know it’s not your fault, but there are a million and one names you could call your daughter and none of them will make her any less special than any other. And if your ex asks you any more questions be noncommittal!

Soontobe60 · 23/11/2022 06:27

Tiani4 · 23/11/2022 03:20

It is unkind of exDH to do this to you or your shared sons.

I would make sure our sins call his sister by a nickname not full name. Like H instead of Heather. Everything can be shortened.
In this situation, I'd be inclined to announce baby's name before she was born casually , "we are so looking forward to birth of BabyHeather, due in 6 weeks. I'm loving all the kicks , this pregnancy has been great. The name Heather is so special to me for very personal reasons as ...."

And also let his wife know somehow, Can you text stepmum direct ?

"Hi how are you? , I hope you're well. EXDH said he was also planning to name your new baby Heather. I'm confused at why he would name your new daughter same name I chose for personal reasons years ago. It will be weird for our boys to have two sisters with same name. And weird he has picked a name for your own DDbaby so closely associated with me . Anyway I wish you all the best , take care Jaspar"

I'd also be telling my boys to talk about BabyHeather that mummy is having (when at Dads house)

Hopefully that will make his new wife rethink (if she's a treasonable person)

This is terrible advice - bringing children into the middle of an argument!

Holly60 · 23/11/2022 06:32

Whose baby is due first? If it's yours then obviously go ahead and use the. name you love.

I would also let his partner know now what has happened- chances are she has no idea and your ex will spin it that he told you the name they like and you 'stole it'. If he is telling any version of the truth, I bet he suggested the name to her anyway.

Then it is down to him and his new partner whether they use the same name.

To be honest I'd be very surprised if, when it comes to it, she names her precious new baby the same name as her half sister.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 23/11/2022 06:34

If your youngest is only six and both mum and dad have divorced and remarried and are expecting babies with new partners shortly, that’s a lot of change in a young child’s life in a very short time so please don’t bring them and their sibling into it by getting them to tell the stepmother about the babies having the same name!

FiveMins · 23/11/2022 06:39

Despite loving the name I would change it to something different, predominantly for my children and new partner.
It's going to be a tough time anyway for your boys, 2 new babies means the dynamics in both of their homes are going to change dramatically. The focus must be on making things as easy for them as possible. There are 8000s names in the world and sadly this one has been tainted by your ex.
Your new partner may also want a say in the name and sounds like he hasn't. Why don't you come up with a shortlist with the boys and him. Use the other name as a middle name, or not at all.
Despite everyone being kind and assuring you that it's not weird for your boys, it is weird. Especially for an unusual name. People will make comments like "Isnt that your other sisters name?" Kids pick up on everything and they will be hyper sensitive as it is.
You could childishly tell ex's new partner you were going to name your ds's that but think the name is a bit weird to use. Or worse for ex never mentioned it again to him.
I know names are very emotive but I have you have to put your DCs feelings first. We have a similar family to you (with half siblings) and it's a special but difficult time for children and the focus must be on them.

Tirrrrred · 23/11/2022 06:40

Holly60 · 23/11/2022 06:32

Whose baby is due first? If it's yours then obviously go ahead and use the. name you love.

I would also let his partner know now what has happened- chances are she has no idea and your ex will spin it that he told you the name they like and you 'stole it'. If he is telling any version of the truth, I bet he suggested the name to her anyway.

Then it is down to him and his new partner whether they use the same name.

To be honest I'd be very surprised if, when it comes to it, she names her precious new baby the same name as her half sister.

She mentions this twice in her post. Do people just miss out random sentences when reading?

Tirrrrred · 23/11/2022 06:41

Me and ex step sister have the same name. I was xxx1 she was xxx2. I'm older. She hated being 2.

Runningslow · 23/11/2022 06:43

Please don’t use the same name, it really would be awkward for your boys.
I agree with chooosing a new name with your new partner and using your chosen name as a middle name maybe. ( or for a dog)

LavenderAndBluebells · 23/11/2022 06:43

Are you on speaking terms with his wife? If so you should make her aware of the conversation you had with exdh, where he said even though it's a sentimental name to you he will still be using it. I bet she doesn't have a clue

Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx · 23/11/2022 06:46

A bit different for you as the babies themselves won’t actually have any relations to each other but will share siblings but I went to high school with half siblings that had the same FULL NAME - first spelled differently, but same last name. Lacey/Lacie Smith (not real name). They didn’t find out they were siblings until they were 4 and started the same local primary school, (Daddy had been having an affair and obviously couldn’t explain to either mother why he didn’t want a certain name). So just let them both use it. What made it worse was both their mums sent them to a high school further away so they wouldn’t be in their local one - little did they know that they each had the same idea 🙈😂 Luckily they ended up friends but people think they’re winding them up when they would introduce each other, “hi I’m Lacey, this is my sister Lacie”.
I’d still use it though as it has a special meaning to you. Do you speak with you ExH wife? Does she come to pick the DC up with him? You could have a baby Eve due 31/12/22 picture or something clearly visible. Last thing you need is her thinking you’re using a name out of spite when it’s her husband that is. And like you said, she honestly may not know 😕

marvellousmaple · 23/11/2022 06:49

Geez OP. I wouldn't use the same name. That's pretty bad. Just let him have it . Use the name as a middle. Find something you and your DH love for the first name. Your ex is being a prick though.

TeenDivided · 23/11/2022 06:49

Dear new Wife,

I just wanted to let you know that I have chosen Alice for my daughter's name. This is a name that ex and I discussed when we were together, because it is special to me for these reasons .... and I have always (since I was X age) said if I was blessed with a girl I'd use that name.
Ex mentioned the other day Alice is a name you both are considering so I wanted to let you know that I will be using it.
I hope your birth goes smoothly