Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

I just hope all the children end up having a great relationship, whatever name. They'll both be two individual, lovely baby sisters for your boys. It sounds like by your dates they'll be really close in age too.

My husband has three half siblings and as they got older, probably mid 20s, they formed their own bond, they're all close in age too. They didn't grow up together but I love my "nieces and nephews", and my sister in law too.

I know it's not going to be easy, but I think you're handling it in the right, calm way.

Unless the name is for example the same as your late mother I don't think it's appropriate for either of you to use it. It's a name you were going to use together, it doesn't seem fair on either of your partners.

Your existing new wife won't like the name if she finds out that it was the baby girl name he had been planning on when he was with you. That is just weird.

Honestly I know the name is special to you, but I think you should rise above here and choose a different name. These two girls won’t be siblings but they will have a relationship to each other via their shared brothers, and their paths are likely to cross now and then. How will they feel knowing they have the same name? The danger is that neither of them will feel their name is special. Imagine your DD explaining it to a friend as an adult - it does sound a bit unhealthy! From the outside, it looks like you and your husband are still caught up in your personal drama rather than focusing on your new families and your DSs.

I would give his wife the heads up if you can. I’m trying to think of a way of doing this if you don’t speak. You could give them a Christmas card. From you, ds and baby bump x name. But there’s a 50/50 chance it will be opened by your ex. I like the advice to put it all over social media now.

I find it hard to believe he's told his new partner that you're using that name.
Normally I would suggest rising above etc but in this case, where he's already confirmed with you that you're picking the name, I would agree with people who are saying

1. tell the wife
2. if you're a social media person, announce the name now. I find it weird but a family member did this after their 20 week scan - announced full name including middles etc - and they said that was more normal nowadays
3. I would start to use the name with your boys instead of using "the baby". Don't use them as weapons so don't ask them to do things but just make it normal for them to use the name.

I can see why your ex is ex. What a nasty man.

But rest assured, it’ll be ok for your DC - one of my siblings has the exact same name (first, middle, surname - all of them) as a cousin of ours. They love it!

God with someone so vile and manipulative I think you have to fight fire with fire.

Announce the name on social media now (i would normally never say such a thing)

tell your DH that you think it is lovely he still wants to emotionally commemorate your time together, you hadn’t known he still harboured such strong feelings together but you completely understand how difficult that must be for him and of course you support him to pay emotional tribute to his past in whatever way helps him most.

contact the wife separately and tell her she is NOT to worry, the fact that he is choosing the name that was such a special connection between you, the DH and the relative is NOTHING FOR HER TO WORRY ABOUT, of course you and DH will always have those special memories and it will be so er… nostalgic to have a permanent reminder of them but after all time moves on and you are SURE she is really special to everyone too.

child will be named Jane by Wednesday.

obvs just leave actual kids out of it from someone still being used as a pawn by divorced parents 30 years later.

He's being a twat, but I would find something else that you/your new husband agree on & use it as a middle name.
Don't waste your energy playing his games. Enjoy your pregnancy & your daughter.

His poor dw has no idea he is more interested in pissing you off than naming their dc a suitable name.

I assume you're due first? She won't use the name when she discovers you're using it.

At first I was like he's an arse. But then when I thought about it, he wants to do the same as you and use the name you had both decided to use if you had a daughter.

I'd just use the name anyway (I would upload a scan pic saying "everyone day hello to BABY NAME" first though).

It could easily have happened that your exes new partner already had a child with that name or that a future partner of his may have that name so the siblings could have ended up with a step sibling/step mother with the same name anyway. Kids get used to it.

Me and my mum had partners with the same name for a while. My mum has also been married twice to different men with the same name. My best friend has the same name as my sibling. Another sibling shares his full name with an uncle. Don't let it ruin your pregnancy or the birth of your child, the children will pick up on a way to distinguish between the two siblings ie Mums Becky, Dad's Becky. I think you're over thinking it, just go with it who cares what anyone else thinks.

I wouldn't want to associate my new precious baby with any of this rubbish with my ex. He is trying to use the name to control you, it is a name you discussed together as a couple with him. I don't think you can have two children with the same name when it means so much hurt and you don't all get on and it isn't a family tradition. It will build in resentment, dragging the children into it. The person you want to honour wouldn't want all of this. Use a different name as this one is now associated with what he is doing. Maybe use as middle name if you want to but I am not sure I would want to use it at all. The person associated with it is no less important if you dint use it.

What an utter arsehole. If the name is special to you use it. It’s not like it’s a name you just like, it’s a name of importance to you. Announce on social media and ignore your ex.

Althoughi bet if you use it first they won't.

Can you drop in conversation with his wife that it's such a coincidence you really like the name you've chosen so much so they're going to use it too and as you're likely to deliver later than her you wanted to let her know now you'll be using the name even if they do.

Announce your baby’s name on social media along with explanation of the name choice (due to relative) and preferably mention of it always being your girl’s name choice for years.

Then message new wife:

’Hi x, now we’ve let people know widely I wanted to let you know our baby’s name will be xxx as the boys are likely to start referring to her by net name while they’re at yours. However, I’m feeling a bit awkward as ex told me you two are also considering that name for your baby. I was super surprised, I mean we’d always imagined over the years how that would be our girl name choice because of my (auntie or whoever it is) but I always assumed he was going with that name totally for me. Probably best he moves on to a new chapter for your shared baby and comes up with a new name? All the best!’

He sounds like a complete dick! Definitely a way to trying to control and ruin a happy moment for you. My SIL had a name picked out for her 'potential daughter' that is a cute, very unique and shortened version that sounds exactly like her name and her exDH knew this! Her exDH brother just had a baby girl and used that exact name my SIL had always saved if she had a daughter. It's soooo weird and angers me that they done that because it was definitely a way to ruin and control. I would find a way to talk to his wife because if that was me, I would not want to name my baby the same name as my DH ex it's weird.

Well if your baby is born first, EXDH's partner will surely not want to use the same name. I can't imagine any woman in her situation agreeing to that.

I know this is really infuriating, but you can't call your daughter the name if your ex has used it a few weeks before. It's just too weird. Try talking to your ex's new wife, because as you feel so strongly about it you need to have tried everything you can. Don't do the social media thing, it's childish. However, if taking the adult approach doesn't work, you need to be prepared to think of your sons and how confusing and embarrassing it will be for them. They are the important ones here. I'm sorry, but I think you might have to pick another name and use this one as a middle name.

It might not happen - your ex and his wife might change their minds. But as their baby will be born first, you need a back-up plan that you've come to terms with in advance. Is there another name that you like, with meaning to you?

Do you have contact with his wife? I'd try and say to her "oh ex said you're planning to use the same name as us for your baby - funny how connected he must feel to the lady we are naming baby after" and leave it at that. She probably has no idea.

Can you let his partner know the reason he wants the name? I suspect it may make her think differently about it.

Don't do any sort of faux surprise 'he must still be obsessed with me' weird shit in whatever you say to your ex's new wife! FFS. You'll come across as a maniac. Just say that you feel very awkward but because of X relative, you've always wanted to use this name. You know that it would be strange for the boys if both baby sisters have the same name, and you've been worrying about it. But you have to go in prepared for them/her to say no, she's always wanted to use that name too because of Y reason (which could be just as valid as yours).

Try not to say 'your husband always knew I wanted to use that name and he's an arsehole who is just trying to fuck me up'. Even if you think that's true, it's not going to get you anywhere.

If just stop worrying about it. I'd bet for money that he has no intention of using it and it's all made up for your annoyance.

I don't think it's the end of the world if both babies have the same name. It's a bit like cousins being called the same thing, not that unusual or problematic really. Your boys will definitely find ways to distinguish, just like they do with grandad X and grandad y etc.

Also, she may well already know that you want to use the name, and has factored that in and doesn't care. Either genuinely doesn't see it as a problem or thinks you'll back down as hers will be born first. If you've been planning on this name I'd be very surprised if your kids haven't already told her, the way kids do. So again, you need to be prepared for her to tell you to back off.