Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

no two well-adjusted parents who prioritise their young sons' wellbeing over their own unresolved relationship issues would tell the boys that both their new half sisters (who'll be born within weeks of one another) are going to have the same name.

Dad might be the bigger dick for trying to 'steal' this name but mum sticking her heels in and having a tantrum that it's her name is also in the dick category I'm afraid.

Stupid kids masquerading as parents.

Still, it will make for a great 'Tell me about your parents...' starting point for the boys' therapy sessions in 25 years I suppose.

When will they come into contact with each other?

What social situations do you actually envisage these two girls being in the same place at the same time?

Can you think of anything other than a birthday party, which the OP has said they'll be doing separately anyway, which is likely to happen before the children are adults?

Can you articulate exactly why you think this would have any effect on the OP's sons' wellbeing?

I actually don't understand how you don't understand that they will probably mix together when they are older.

If I was a teenager I would love to meet my Brothers other Sister and maybe become Friends. I would find it fun. They have something in common. Also, with social media you don't just mix with people who live in the same village. Times have changed.

I'm done with trying to explain.

If they lived till they were 80 then the parents would have no input on their social and private lives for about 64 years.

As has already been said, these are two boys who are at a point of great change in their life. Two new step parents, two new siblings on the way, spending every other weekend at a different house. Names are used to identify people. How will having two sisters called Sophie help them do that? How confusing for a 6 year old to have to explain that both his sisters are the same age and both have the same name. It's weird and you know it's weird but you don't seem to think they're particularly important in this situation. You have a fixation on logistics and have not given any thought to why the handling of this big moment in the kids' lives might be made all the more challenging by warring parents who are both insistent on 'winning'.

I personally would find it absolutely fucking tiresome to spend my life saying 'yeah, my parents didn't handle the divorce well so both my 15 year old sisters are called Sophie. Yeah it is weird'.

I don't understand why you think they will probably mix together when they are older, no.

Given that they aren't going to be a similar age to their brothers, they aren't going to live particularly near to each other, and their parents don't particularly get on.

Say they're 12 years old and they want to meet each other. Who's going to facilitate that? The older brother will be 22, the younger brother will be 18, what do you think they're going to be arranging playdates for their younger half sisters?

If one of them messages the other on whatever social media exists a decade plus from now and says, "Hey, I'm the other Gertrude, isn't it weird that we both have the same brothers and the same first name?"

What is going to happen? Do you think the sky is going to fall in? Their older brothers, who are now adults, will find out about it and be so distressed that they need therapy to help them get over it?

What?!

My best bet would be that they have no reason to meet until the older brother gets married, probably more than 20 years from now, and they say, "Oh, you must be the other Gertrude, lol."

I personally would find it absolutely fucking tiresome to spend my life saying 'yeah, my parents didn't handle the divorce well so both my 15 year old sisters are called Sophie. Yeah it is weird'.

Why would you have to spend your life saying that?

You do realise that most people you meet aren't going to quiz you about your family set up and how many siblings and half siblings you have and what they are all called, right?

If you would find it fucking tiresome to tell the story, you just wouldn't tell it. It's not actually that likely to come up in conversation.

And on the rare occasion that it did, you'd probably just say, "Yeah, my parents always agreed that if they had a daughter she's be called Sophie, and then they got divorced and both remarried and had daughters at the same time and they both decided to use the name, so I have two 12 year old half sisters called Sophie."

If it ever does come up in conversation, it's more likely to be something they choose to bring up. Like they're doing an ice breaker where they have to tell people a weird fact about themselves and they go with, "I have two much younger half sisters who are both called Sophie."

@babyjellyfish

I have experience in this. My SC is a lot older than my DC. They have a very close relationship and spend a lot of time together.

Adults do not just socialise with people the same age.

They have something in common and will be curious about each other.

People socialise other than Birthdays & Weddings. People have get togethers & nights out to you know - have fun, see friends and meet new people.

Do you live such a quiet & hermit life that you can not see this.

As I said, @babyjellyfish, you are determined to ignore how this effects the two young boys in the here and now. You couldn't give a shit I suppose.

Best of luck to you.

I think adults can also cope with two people in their social circle having the same name though.

And the boys will have been adults for quite a long time before their sisters are realistically old enough to socialise with them in any meaningful way.

How is asking you to explain, using actual words, HOW you think it will affect the two boys, ignoring the effects?

MY young DC socialise with my SC in a meaningful way. Trust me, you really have no idea what you are talking about.

Six years is hardly a massive age gap that is going to stop siblings being close.

But do they socialise with your step children's other extended family, who are not their blood relatives?

Pretty obvious, Because I used 'actual words' to explain what a tumultuous time it is for these boys and you ignored all of that. You leapt immediately to how they'll explain it as adults.

We're not going to agree on this. I think the kids' welfare should be put ahead of squabbles over perceived ownership of a name. You don't. You think that is 'pant wetting' apparently.

Hopefully the OP can have a normal conversation with her ex and his partner and sort it out sensibly. Act like actual parents.

It’s not just about them meeting it’s the saddling the boys with having to explain they have 2 sisters same age same unusual name for life.
They are currently 6 and 10 and have had lots of disruption already - divorce, 2 new partners on scene, 2 weddings, 2 pregnancies. A little 6 yr old is going to have to deal with it - kids are blunt you are lying you can’t have two sisters same name, teacher probably thinking he’s got muddled and saying no what’s the other baby called. Yes they will deal but if I had a 6 yr old that had already dealt with all that and Covid lockdown I’d be wanting them to have an easier ride. Elder is starting high school soon - kids can be cruel.
People make assumptions. If you ask a date or a work colleague about their siblings and they say I’ve got a brother Mike 4 years older and two sisters 6 years younger called same Unusual name people will rightly assume that the boys had a tricky childhood and parents who didn’t co parent. They will cope and cover with a story yes I know my parents were weird in same way a child with a name spelled oddly says yes spelling wasn’t my mums forte to explain why they are Pheebee not Phoebe. But it’s always going to be there for the boys.

My SC haven't got any other siblings from their Mum.

If they did I'm sure the friendly children we have would.

The argument is with the parents not the children.

It is a tumultuous time for them because their parents are both having new babies at the same time, not because of what names those babies will have.

You haven't explained when you think these children will ever meet or why you think the OP's sons are going to be spending a lot of time explaining their family situation to everyone they meet.

So it's not relevant then?

If your step children did have other half siblings who were not your children's blood relatives, there's no reason why those other half siblings would actually meet your children unless it was all one big happy family, is there?

I think you must have met an extraordinarily high number of incredibly nosy people in your life.

No one I meet is this interested in what my siblings are called.

Other than my very closest friends, whose siblings I have actually met, I'm not sure I know how many siblings my other friends have, or what they are called.

And when I was at school, I only knew what people's siblings were called if they were also at the same school.

You're such an odd person .

There you go again, completely dismissing how this confusing set-up might effect the boys now and fixating once more over when the two half sisters might meet. Why would that be something I need to explain? And why are you intent on ignoring the people it will effect the most, the OP's two sons.

So strange

May I ask whether you have any caring responsibilities for a child, or spend much time with young kids?

I'm not dismissing how it might affect the boys now.

I'm literally asking HOW it might affect them now, and all I'm hearing is that it ought to be obvious. It isn't obvious at all.

And yes, I have a young child and spend a lot of time with young children.

And I've literally told you it will be needlessly confusing for them at a time where their whole life is in a state of flux. Expecting new siblings to have different names is pretty standard stuff. Especially when you're a little kid.

It's good for parents to put their kids first. Much better than winning a battle with their ex. I wish more parents could recognise that.

"It will be confusing."

Great, thanks, very specific. And not even necessarily true.

I think a lot of people here are projecting their own adult prejudices onto a couple of kids who will have bigger things to worry about than what names their half sisters have, such as whether their parents will still have time for them now there is a new baby in the picture. And those bigger worries are what the OP and her ex husband should be focusing on.